So You Want to See Michael Naked?
Well, for Smutober and Wicked Wednesday, here goes…
Naked – The Prompt
Today’s Smutober prompt is -naked-.
That should be an easy topic, right? For a man who literally has thousands of photos from the past few years on his hard drive, there has to be more than a few quality nudes, right?
Well, perhaps there are naked pictures of others. Not so much for me. The closest thing to a good nude of me was posted for a Sinful Sunday back in August – I was supposed to LOWER the towel?…
Nearly all of the photos taken with my Nikon cameras are in action shots. I don’t do “posing”. I document scenes as they happen. While I enjoy watching a good scene, photographing one is even more fun. The pictures taken of me are the same, they are the result of my play, not of any posing or planning.
And, to be honest, I’m not partial to getting naked myself for scene play. Yes, I often have a submissive disrobe for me at the start of a scene, unless I’m planning to cut off her clothes. But my clothes usually stay on.
That’s at least partially a “power thing”. When a submissive is naked before me, and I remain clothed, it works to establish/reinforce the power exchange. I also tend to wear clothes that reinforce the power exchange. Dressing in all black, a suit and tie, in military fatigues, or perhaps in leathers, helps to establish an immediate command presence.
It’s also a “sex thing”. Just because I play with a submissive doesn’t mean I’ll also want/expect intercourse. In fact, that’s not likely to happen at all unless we are in a serious relationship. I’m complex that way. Without a serious relationship, I’m quite satisfied to keep my cock in my pants.
Being naked to me isn’t really about taking my clothes off. I’ve gotten naked in front of a group without hesitation. I’ve played in front of an audience so many times now it’s become a thrill. I put on a good show, clothes on or off.
But to me being naked has nothing to do with nudity. Feeling naked is when I bare my soul. When I talk about my inner fantasies, personal demons, ambitions, faults, and insecurities. Those are the things that make me feel naked.
I can cover my body with clothes and symbols of power. But, there’s no covering up that inner core of who you have been, and what you are now. I played football and other competitive sports back when I was in school, physical pain doesn’t daunt me too much. But, risking the emotional pain of having that inner core doubted or rejected, that can mean real pain.
That’s the part of myself I protect, my psyche. That’s the part of me I hold within a shell, not my body. Question my intent, my truthfulness, or my integrity, and it hurts beyond words. I know I’m human, an imperfect man, but when my faults are brought into the light, I will likely just want to recede into the shadows.
Let me say up front that dominants are no different than any other human, we have our share of frailties and insecurities. I think some dominants hide their own insecurities behind a domineering mask. Perhaps I might go so far as to say that’s the mask many dominants wear.
That’s not at all who I am. I will win respect with my integrity and intelligence, my knowledge and skills. If we were graded in life like we were in schools, I’d like to think those are subjects where I’d get high marks. Hell, I know those are areas I’d ace…
Yet, I remain insecure. The smallest things, inconsequential things can throw me for a loop with no warning. Something like 90% – 95% of the time I’m just fine. Then I have “one of those days”.
And when I have those kinds of days, I feel even more deficient. After all, I don’t style myself as a dominant, I see myself as being on the path of Mastery. From myself, I expect more.
Since I’m baring my soul, I cannot deny that I’m also fighting long-term depression.
It goes back quite a spell, at least 10 years. I am still capable of fun and of passion, the smiles in the images shown here on my blog are sincere and real.
For the most
My depression has worsened in the last few years, there’s been an increase in anxiety as well. Pursuing polyamory, in addition to living a D/s and/or M/s lifestyle, has made navigating the waters of life rather hazardous. I wish it were otherwise, but it’s certainly become true.
I left politics so I could be free to be myself, to live my lifestyle without fear or shame. I was tired of feeling like I was living in hiding. When my Mom passed away in 2011, I felt I’d truly be free to live without shame. (I was “out” to my Mother about BDSM, but she vocally disapproved of my lifestyle.)
Since then, however, my depression has worsened. It’s as bad as anytime outside of working my last year in politics – at the same time as my Mother’s health became precarious. It’s been tough.
They say depression hurts, and it’s literally true. My arthritis, the diabetic neuropathy in my lower legs, none of it hurts as much when I’m feeling better mentally. When I’m depressed, it feels like I’m facing a hill I could never climb, just to get out of my chair. Sometimes thinking even hurts.
So, dear reader, there you have it. I stand naked before you. Not literally, but perhaps at the same time, far more naked than if I had shot a nude picture just for this post.
While I style myself as being on the road to Mastery, I have struggles just like most other folks. I have insecurities and my share of anxieties. My depression has worsened. All those years in politics took a toll on my physical health. I’m not always the man I want to be.
At the same time, I can also guarantee you that every day I work to learn and to grow. Despite my difficulties, I’d like to think I’m still on the correct path, it just gets a little faint sometimes…