- Nervous? – Wicked Wednesday #87
- Decisions? They Are Mine!
- The First Time Serafina Was Shared
- Balancing Pain And Pleasure
- I got a prayer with a girl . . .
- Hidden Problems
- Communicate and Educate
- Alone Together Again
- Energy Antennae
- “S” is for Safe Sex
- My Leather Family Comes Full Circle
- There Once Was a Chance I Didn’t Take
- Beyond Considering Sinnja
- Slippery Slopes and Trigger Warnings
- Jealousy – the Green Eyed Monster
- YKINMK – Your Kink Is Not My Kink (and that’s ok)
- Charlotte! (Rhymes with Harlot)
- What Do You Doubt?
- If Orange is the New Black Then Black is the New White
- Sending Smoke Signals
- The difficult truth!
I’ve written before about our new love Sinnja. In fact, it seems that she’s been all over the blog for the last few weeks. It’s fairly rare to find a post that she’s not mentioned in during that time span.
Well, I’m here to talk about the relationship again. Imagine that, right?
The Wicked Wednesday prompt this week couldn’t come at a more timely point for me, as the word “considering” is on my mind right now, at least it was on my mind until this past weekend.
There was a change in my status at Fetlife over the weekend. I went from “considering” Sinnja to being listed as her dominant instead. It’s actually a more meaningful step than might be realized from the vanilla connotation of the words involved. And, in the end, that’s what this post is about, what it means to move beyond “considering” a submissive.
Collar of Consideration
The “collar of consideration” is often the first collar given as a part of a BDSM relationship. It indicates a basic commitment by the individuals involved, a commitment to explore the relationship. Although it’s not perfect, the best description I’ve seen written so far came from F.R.R. Mallory’s old Steel Door website, that’s now disappeared. Here’s an excerpt from that piece:
The first collar offered is called the ‘Collar of Consideration’. This identification comes from the Old Guard Leather community, the same source of the Safe, Sane and Consensual code. This Collar is traditionally given at the very beginning of a potential relationship. There are many variations on how a collar may be represented in actuality. It can be by a bracelet, waist chain, anklet or other choice. This is sometimes determined by the situation of the submissive such as job requirements etc. Sometimes it is dictated by the Dominant’s personal taste. The traditional or customary representation of the ‘Collar of Consideration’ is a leather collar in some shade of blue. The actual shade of color is not as important as the color itself.
The Dominant by offering this collar to the submissive is expressing an interest in pursuing a potential furthering of a relationship with that submissive beyond the range of a casual acquaintance or even the relationship between a Top and bottom. This collar is offered seriously and with intent. The submissive in accepting this collar from the Dominant is equally serious in their understanding that their relationship has moved into a different stage. The existence of the Collar of Consideration indicates to other Dominant’s and submissives that the Dominant and submissive are forming a potentially serious relationship. It’s existence acts to openly present to other Dominant’s that this submissive is ‘off-limits’ for the duration of the ‘consideration’ period and that honorable Dominant’s should not pursue this submissive in any manner.
It is understood that new relationships are fragile and vulnerable to both parties involved. Respect for new relationships is shown by adhering to the presence of collars and their underlying meanings. The ‘Collar of Consideration’ does not indicate a lifelong commitment between the Dominant and submissive but might be better considered to be similar to a pre-engagement ring.
I’m Facebook friends with Ms. Mallory, so I don’t want to get too far into the territory of criticizing, or deconstructing, another author’s work. That especially true for someone who I consider to be a sort of casual friend. Just let me say that the “Safe, Sane and Consensual” credo is not an old guard invention at all, it’s newer than that IMHO. The first paragraph is full of issues like that. That part of the essay I generally disagree with, but, plenty of that excerpt is spot on. Otherwise I’d not have bothered to share it with you, my dear reader.
Essentially, the collar of consideration is the high school equivalent of “going together”. Instead of wearing a class ring around the neck, it’s a collar. I don’t want to diminish the collar of consideration by comparing it to a high school tradition, certainly the collar of consideration is more adult and serious than teenage “love”. With that said, it is what it is. The collar of consideration is a step up from being play partners. The collar of consideration indicages a sort of conditional commitment. It says, at least from my viewpoint, that the individuals involved are exploring the relationship, but it’s too new to be truly serious.
Beyond Considering Sinnja
The relationship between Serafina, Sinnja and myself is still relatively new. We’ve only known Sinnja since December, that’s just six months. And, a lot of that time wasn’t devoted to building a friendship, or relationship, it was instead occupied dealing with the most severe Midwestern winter in my lifetime. We’ve only been “playing” with Sinnja for a couple of months now.
But the “play” has been pretty serious, and relatively extensive. We’ve found a wonderful chemistry, not just between Sinnja and I, but also between she and Serafina. We’ve spent every weekend together in that time, and the “weekends” just keep getting longer and longer. Our recent Mischief in May weekend lasted from Thursday until Tuesday, and what a marvelous time together it was!
We’ve shared. We’ve discovered things about each other. We’ve discovered things about ourselves too. We’ve grown, and we’ve grown together. We find ourselves making very serious plans together. Plans that involve far more than weekends and festivals together.
We’ve already grown far beyond simple consideration. It was time to acknowledge how far we’ve progressed.
The first step was a small private ceremony.
I spoke simply of how we’ve obviously moved beyond considering each other, and that it was time to officially acknowledge for the rest of the world what we already knew ourselves. The exact words I spoke were private. I won’t share them here.
No matter the words I used, the point was simple. Now it’s just a question of working out the details. We are far beyond considering!