“P” is for Public Apology

“P” is for Public Apology

This entry is part 17 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

There’s a personal matter I’ve been biting my tongue about.

The circumstances behind the incident, I felt, didn’t allow me to say anything.

I was biting my tongue out of respect for a friend’s relationship, as I didn’t feel calling her Master out for a consent violation would be healthy for their relationship.

Now that she’s been “uncollared”, I feel that the appropriate opportunity to say something is here and now.  Here’s the comment I made publicly, on her wall at FetLife.

Uncollared? A good slave like you? Heresy! It’s heresy I tell you! Somebody ought to have their head examined, and I’m not talking you!

You are a great lady, I’m proud to call you friend, and even prouder that you were part of Serafina’s collaring ceremony. You are forever in our hearts, and I will always think of you as family.

Now, with all the good stuff said – there’s something else I must say – now that I can say it without interfering in your former relationship. It’s something I wanted to say, but felt I could not . . .

I regret not stepping in when I felt your consent was violated in my home, when your former Master broke his word to you and did activities you had privately agreed would not happen.

I didn’t fully understand what was happening at the moment, but a part of me wanted to stop everything to find out. That instinct was correct, and I will forever regret that I allowed your consent to be violated in my home through my own inaction.

I have learned a big lesson from the experience. It will never happen again.

You have my sincere apology, and my sincere regret for that happening. Saying so privately is not enough to atone for my mistake, I want to say this publicly. I put my respect for your relationship before my respect for you as a person, and that’s backwards. I was wrong to do so. But I assure you, I will guard carefully against it happening again.

I know that offering the apology is the proper things to do, and the only reason I hadn’t offered it earlier is that I didn’t wish to interfere in their relationship.  After I let the consent violation pass, it didn’t seem prudent to compound the mistake by making my apology a sticking point in their relationship.

That instinct was probably correct.  I got a call from her former Master today after posting the apology on FetLife.  I suppose I should have expected the additional drama, even with making the apology after the relationship ended.

From my perspective, it doesn’t really matter if the note involved me in extra drama, or not. My bottom line is consent matters in my household, it matters a lot.  Serafina is an erotic slave, but she’s a consensual erotic slave.  In theory a slave gives up the right to say no.  In reality, that means we dialogue instead of negotiate.

Serafina loves feeling owned, I love feeling like I own her, but that doesn’t mean I’ll ignore her feelings.  And, I’d certainly never ignore her if she came to me and said, “Master, there’s a problem.”

I vow now, that I’ll never again ignore those words in my home, no matter who utters them!

“p” is for public apology

P

“O” is for Outlaw No More

“O” is for Outlaw No More

This entry is part 16 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

out·law

noun \ˈau̇t-ˌlȯ\

: a person who has broken the law and who is hiding or running away to avoid punishment

I used to tell my friends that inside the BDSM community, “We are all sexual outlaws.”

I always felt we were at least twenty years behind gays in our own battle for acceptance.  That was back in the early 1990’s, something like twenty years ago.

Upon reflection, I realized that those two time spans are identical.  With twenty years gone by since my statements, it seems like a good opportunity to take a look at where we’ve been, and where we’ve yet to go, as well as a few signposts along the way..

–  –  –  –  –

I remember the first time I saw a beautiful girl/girl seduction scene in the theater.  The movie was The Hunger, starring David Bowie, Catherine Deneuve, and Susan Sarandon.  It certainly wasn’t the first girl-girl tryst ever brought to the theater, but it certainly was the first to catch my attention.

I also remember having friends over to visit to see the film, with my first wife and I, in my home when it was released on videodisc.  They were a nice couple, I’d gone to school with the guy, and they had gotten married not long after my first wedding.  I’ll certainly never forget the reaction my friend’s wife had to the seduction and love scene between Deneuve and Sarandon.  Candy blushed, and stammered, and then rushed out of the room, saying she felt ill.

I wasn’t yet adept at reading people, yet I knew in my heart that Candy didn’t have the flu.  She just didn’t know how to respond to the effect the scene had on her mind and body.  Candy was obviously both turned on and embarrassed.

A few years later, after both couples had divorced, Candy and my ex had a tryst together.  Neither lady ended up identifying as gay, and the tryst never turned into a relationship, but, I’ve since heard both ladies talk in a longing way about the one sexy afternoon they shared.  That was the circa 1984, and neither lady was willing to accept the social stigma that went along with being openly bisexual or gay.  They both continue to identify as heterosexual to this day.

I remember the first openly gay kiss on television here in the U.S.A., it was a really big fucking deal.  That was 1991, the show was LA Law. Abby Perkins (role played by Michele Greene) and C.J. Lamb (role played by Amanda Donohoe) kissed in the fateful episode after Abby got a raise.   The scene was talked about endlessly on the early morning television news.  It was talked about endlessly on the late night TV talk show circuit too.  There was no escaping it.  Advertisers threatened to pull their ads and boycott the show.  Like I said, it was a really big fucking deal.

My second wife, married from 1993 until 2007, was openly bi-sexual, well open to everyone but her only family.  She was younger, part of a newer generation that was a little more open and accepting of alternative sexuality.  We experimented with polyamory and triad relationships throughout the 1990’s, until we met Serafina in 2002.  “She was THE one,” I was told.  I believed her.  I knew that living as an open triad would make us sexual outlaws, I didn’t really care, and we moved forward with plans to form a family as a trio.

Oh, I should add that ex-wife number two is not openly bisexual anymore.  When she finally “came out” to her mom as being bisexual in 2005, her Mom freaked out.  While her family had always been very accepting of gays, that acceptance ended when it was a member of their own family.  “Where have I gone wrong,” her Mother wailed.  Suddenly, Bliss was no longer bi, and she was no longer interested in being part of a triad.  For some folks, sexual identity isn’t as important as social identity, still to this day.

Here in 2014, outside of some circles in the religious right (who are neither religious nor are they right) homosexuality is quite widely accepted.  A number of states are finally allowing gay marriage to occur, and gays have won great protections against discrimination in the workplace and housing as well.  It’s the dawn of a new era, as long as a person is bold enough to deal with disappointment of family and friends.

Obviously, there’s less social stigma with being gay today than there was back in 1984, but there is still stigma, and not everyone’s bold enough to challenge what remains.  We’ve come a long way as a society, but there’s still a ways to go.

–  –  –  –  –

I also remember the first BDSM I saw in a theater.  Well it wasn’t billed as BDSM, it wasn’t billed as anything, but it was erotic bondage in a theater, and it was flat out fucking hot.  The movie was Cat People, and the plot revolved around Irena Gallier (played by Natassia Kinski) who was cursed to turn into a panther when she made love to a man.  Near the end of the movie, she’s bound to a bed, stripped, and made love to by Oliver Yates (played by John Heard).  Because of the bondage, Oliver is safe from being devoured by the panther Irena morphs into at the culmination of their lovemaking.

It wasn’t too long after that, that the book The 9 1/2 Weeks appeared.  For folks not old enough to remember, it should be noted that  9 1/2 Weeks  was essentially my generation’s 50 Shades of Grey, a story of dominance and submission that achieved more than a little mainstream popularity.  I don’t want to mislead anyone,  9 1/2 Weeks only achieved a fraction of the success found by 50 Shades, still it was my generation’s BDSM signpost.

Mickey Rourke may be a washed up B-Actor these days, but that wasn’t the case when he was picked to play the role of John in the movie adaptation of the book.  Sparks really did seem to fly between his character and Elizabeth (played by Kim Basinger) in the film.  Unfortunately, neither the book, nor the movie, ended well.  The author and screenwriter’s conclusions seems to be that relationships involving Dominance and submission was inherently destructive and unsustainable.  Hot sex, bad ending.  That was 1986.

I see depictions of BDSM in the media all the time today.  House of Cards, the Netflix phenomena, included at least one gratuitous BDSM scene including bondage and breath play to start an episode in the show’s first season.  The seemingly ubiquitous 50 Shades of Grey is being turned into a big budget film as we speak.

Yet, I don’t see the progress for our community that I see for gays.

It’s no longer illegal to be gay.  It’s still illegal for me to spank my wife.  A man no longer has to risk his home and livelihood to suck another man’s cock, but he’s still risking everything if he wants to tie his partner up and slap the cock (and or partner) around a little before he sucks it.

Kink is more common and more accepted in our society than ever before, yet we are still criminalized.  When a reckless and misguided individual that was a part of the BDSM community began outing people, it was an offense worthy of being banned from the club.  Then, the club’s monthly play party had to be moved, for fear that the banned person would complain to law enforcement about an illegal BDSM part occurring.  Some people may have left the club for fear of being outed themselves.

That’s where we are at in 2014.  It’s really fucking sad, if you ask me.  While the gay community is largely accepted, most kinksters remain as sexual outlaws.  Some of us like it like that, being an outlaw is what attracted those individuals in the first place, they have no vested interest in progress, they like it this way.  Being an outlaw makes them feel dangerous, and that’s appealing to some.

–  –  –  –  –

I like being dangerous, no doubt about that.  But, at age 50, I’m a little bit tired of being an outlaw.

Professional football players are dangerous, but they don’t have to hide their games.  Boxers often face lifetime impairments from their choice of sport from being pummeled as a part of a sports exhibition, yet I’m not legally allowed to bruise my wife as a part of our sex play.

I understand why progress hasn’t been made to change the legality of our passions in the kink community.  Some of that involves domestic violence issues.  No one wants to have a woman’s batterer say the abuse was consensual.  And, some of it involves our community’s collective desire to be outlaws.

Seriously though folks, it’s time to grow up.  It’s time for our community to grow up.  It’s time to stop living in fear and shame.  It’s time to own our kink, and own it with pride.

I don’t want to have to hide my play parties anymore, and I don’t want to hide my kink either.  I have a St Andrew’s cross and a dungeon bed in my living room, and I no longer care who knows it!

I have a choice between two local BDSM groups, one is secretive about even their munches, the other openly posts public events like munches at FetLife.  For the last year, I’ve been a member of both groups.  I’ve decided though, that I will no longer support groups who wish to “live in shame”.  If you can’t even say at FetLife where your munch is going to be held, don’t bother to invite me.  I’m tired of so many in our community living in shame, and I’ve decided to no longer support a group who acts as though there’s shame in living our lifestyle.  I’m not going to live in fear, nor will I support those who do.

I’m proud of who I am, and I’m tired of living as though I had something to hide.  I’m no more ashamed of the fact that I like to bruise butts, than I am of the fact that I used to belong to MENSA.  Sure I was an egghead before I became a sex geek, but both are a part of who I am, and I’m not going to live in denial anymore.

Who’s with me?

I’m here, I’m kinky not queer, get used to it!

“O” is for Outlaw No More

O

“N” is for No Surprises

“N” is for No Surprises

This entry is part 15 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

The term “no surprises” is actually something I remember first reading about in a book called the The Ethical Slut.  

I’m not sure if that particular wording was exactly how the idea was presented by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton, but it was the idea of complete disclosure that the authors stressed.  I think the first time I heard it boiled down to the “no surprises” concept was in a presentation by Dan and Dawn at Kinky Kollege.

In the end, it seems that polyamory is about communication as much as it is about sex.  The more souls you try and fit into a relationship, the more communication it is going to take.  I think that’s a law of nature somehow, it’s really inescapable.

Trust is at the core of all relationships, yet it’s somehow one of the hardest things for people to give, real trust.  And, it’s far far too easy to erode too.

That’s where the “no surprises” rule really comes in handy.  One of the worst things that can happen in a relationship is to have a revelation come, not from your lover but from another source, and catch you by surprise.  There’s a particular sort of embarrassment that can come from that kind of surprise, and a very particular type of anger.  It’s not pretty stuff.

So, at the core of the way we practice poly, is the “no surprises” rule.  I am as transparent as I can be with Serafina.  To assure that she’d never be hurt by some surprise revelation dropped by a friend, we have no secrets.  There’s nothing about who I am, or what I’m thinking, that I hide from Serafina.

I don’t play the “Master knows best card” either, even my decisions are transparent.  If Serafina wants to know why I made any particular decision, all she has to do is ask.  Usually that’s not even necessary, as I do pride myself on making the reasons behind rules and decisions clear.

Of course transparency goes both ways.  As far as I know, there’s nothing Serafina would care to hide from me either.  It almost goes without saying, most slaves are expected to be transparent to their Master, but it’s not as common for Masters to be completely transparent to their slave.  A poly relationship works best when all the streets go both ways, when transparency is a universal rule for all.

Serafina and I have this down pretty well.  We aren’t perfect by any means, but our M/s relationship is as solid as any I’ve known.  We are already exceptionally close, but transparency and the “no surprises” rule really does bring us closer still.

Like most kinds of alternative lifestyles, polyamory can be practiced many ways.  All I can really address is how it’s done here, in my own nascent leather family.  It’s the solid nature of our core relationship that allows Serafina and I to dip our toes into the murky waters of polyamory.  It’s our communication skills that will prevent those adventures from biting us in the butt and causing problems.

And, it’s the no surprises rule, that’s at the core of it all.

N

 

 

“M” is for Masochist

“M” is for Masochist

This entry is part 14 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

There’s no list today.

I’ll make no accounting of words that are part of the worlds of fetish, or kink, starting with the letter “M”.

“M” is for masochist, pure and simple.  There was no other consideration.

Sure, “M” could stand for Master.  It could also stand for ménage à trois.  M/s is another possibility, at least in theory.  “M” could stand for Michael, or Michael Samadhi too.

But to my heart, “M” will always stand for masochist.

My identity as a sadist is part of the attraction I feel to kink.  I get to do wicked things to people, and they come back for more.  Sometimes, I even get to make them beg me for more!  Aren’t masochists beautiful creatures?

My dominant side is well fulfilled by Serafina.  Oh my, she’s a glorious slave.  I’ve never know a person more ready and eager to please their dominant.  It’s not a posture, there’s no acting or role play, it’s who she is down to her core.  She loves to please, and it shows.

Serafina, however, would be the first to tell you she’s not a masochist.  Oh, she’s got some potential to develop (I always tell her I have plans for her – I will until my dying day) but she’ll never be a full fledged masochist, and I wouldn’t want to change her into one.  She’s just perfect the way she is!  Really!

However, my sadistic side is not as well fulfilled as the dominant.  While my dominant is living high on the hog in the Monopoly equivalent of Boardwalk and Park Place, my poor sadist is on the wrong side of the tracks.   The sadist isn’t quite slumming on properties like Baltic and Mediterranean avenues, but he’s not in any sort of high rent territory either.  I have two masochistic friends I’ve played with in the past, but neither has been available much in 2014.  I got to play with our friend Dee at the Kinky Kabin in March.  That’s it . . .

So my sadist needed satiating.  And he needed it badly.  I’m prone to saying, “I’m a man who gets what he wants,” these days, simply because it’s true.  And right now I wanted needed a masochist.

You could say that my prayers were answered.  And how!  I got to play with the most wonderful masochist the past weekend.  And let me tell you, it was flat out fucking glorious!

I like to play pretty heavy.  Most of our past playmates are finishing a scene right as I get warmed up.  Dee’s been the only one to truly challenge me so far, and that’s been limited to an extent by the fact that her husband is a good friend of mine.  I play within his limits more than I do hers.

That wasn’t a problem this past weekend.  I wanted to play heavy, and I did!  I played heavy and hard enough that I really owe my friend Alpha, as I broke his handcrafted maple paddle over my new friend’s ass!  Alpha is a true craftsman, and the paddle was his own handiwork.  Oh, it was a thing of beauty.

alpha's solid maple paddle

the paddle formerly known as Alpha’s Paddle

I broke it.

I broke it on my new girl’s ass, while she laughed!  I hit her full force, with all my might, and she laughed!

OK, by the 25th or 30th blow, each of them full force, she wasn’t laughing any more.  Well, at least not until the paddle splintered.  Then she laughed more.

I have to admit, when Alpha’s poor paddle splintered, we both laughed.

I thought Serafina’s eyes were going to bulge out, she couldn’t believe it!

At first, all Alpha said was, “Really? . . . Really? . . . No way!”

Oh, it was a moment for sure.  It may be remembered as another day of infamy, right up there with Dee using her bare hands to flip hamburgers (we didn’t have a spatula) at the Kinky Kabin.

Oh what a glorious memory!  Hopefully it’s the first of many with our new friend . . .

Yes indeed, there’s no denying that “M” is for masochist!

“m” is for masochist

M

 

 

“L” is for Limits

“L” is for Limits

This entry is part 13 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

Today’s post, is brought to you by the letter “L”.

Now, I have to admit that “L” is one of the tougher letters for me in the challenge so far, at least from the standpoint of selection.

There aren’t a lot of paraphilias that start with the letter L, which limits my options to a certain extent.

With that said, it should be noted that any letter that starts the word “Love” can’t be all bad!

The nominees are:

Labiaplasty – a plastic surgery procedure for altering the labia minora (inner labia) and the labia majora (outer labia), the folds of skin surrounding the human vulva.
Lactaphilia – term for sexual arousal caused by lactating breasts
Lagneuomania – an abnormal preoccupation with lewd talk and actions.
Lambskin – material used in natural condoms (and luxury floggers)
Lap Dancing – a personal dance by a stripper
Lesbians – ladies loving ladies, but if I really need to define this one for you, you need more basic sex education
Lesbian Lavender – a special shade of pink
Liberator – manufacturer of a variety of sex shapes and erotic toys
Licking
Lighting – the quality and intensity of lighting can effect mood and sexual receptiveness.
Limits – what someone “won’t” do or is hesitant to do.
Lingerie – frilly and lacy, silky or satin
Love
Love Addiction / Love Compulsion – an irresistible impulst to fantasize about a love object, expecting it to provide a solution for problems
Love Potion – similar to an aphrodisiac but different, in that a magic ritual or incantation is performed as a part of concocting a love potion
Loving M/s – Master/slave relationship in a loving context
Lubricants – slippery stuff for when we aren’t slipper enough on our own
Lunch at the Y – euphemism for cunnilingus
Lupercalia – roman celebration that included public flagellation
Lust – if you need to learn what lust means, you came to the wrong place.
Lygerastia – tendency to become aroused only in darkened or partly darkened rooms.

Among words considered but rejected for inclusion on the list of words starting with “L” is the term Lust Murder. It seems that the term “lust murder” is used to denote cases where serial killers get direct sexual thrills from killing and murder.  Obviously, I want to dispel the notion that sadists have an evil core at work, that underneath our exterior lies a serial killer waiting to erupt.  It’s just not true, not even close to reality.  Yes there are sick individuals who would take the life of another for their own thrill, but they are sociopaths and psychopaths not dominants and/or sexual sadists into BDSM.  Totally different creatures.  Its repulsive that we even have to share the name sadist.

Lagnonector – a person who kills in order to have sex with a corpse, also did not make the list, for obvious reasons1.

There are some nice words there on the list of “L” words, but only one just screams out to me when discussing the joy of kink, and that’s the term “limits”.  In the Kink community we use that term a little bit differently than in the vanilla world, so it seems more than worthy of a few comments.

“L” is for Limits

In the BDSM community we use the term “limits” to denote actions we don’t want to do, that we simply can’t do, or that we are very hesitant to do.  It’s such an important concept that the BDSM community isn’t satisfied to talk about limits in a single context, we use the terms “hard limit” and “soft limit” to denote further subtleties.  The term limits is usually used as a part of negotiation between participants in a BDSM scene (or relationship) to assure that some actions and activities that might be damaging to their person, psyche, faith, or world view, do not happen.

It’s most common to talk about a submissive person’s limits, but it should be noted that dominants have limits too.  However, because dominants are usually in control of a scene, it’s far more rare that a dom’s, or domme’s, limits would be encountered in a scene, let alone exceeded.

hard limit

Hard limits are actions that are absolutely off limits, they shouldn’t even be considered, never to be acted out or acted on.  Hard limits are prohibited activities, pure and simple. Violating another person’s hard limit is absolutely verboten, never allowed.  It’s simply not done by a responsible person!  Violating a hard limit is akin to a consent violation.  To be honest, it’s hard for me to equate a hard limit violation with anything less than a rape.

Yes, it really is that serious.

Without a doubt, any sort of hard limit violation is absolute just cause for ending a scene immediately.  To my way of thinking, one’s partner violating a hard limit should be just cause for ending a relationship too.  Relationships are about trust.  Consent and limit violations clearly indicate that the individual committing them is unworthy of trust.  If a hard limit violation occurs, I’d have to ask, “Where’s the relationship?”, because to may eyes a relationship without trust is a relationship in name only.  It is an illusion.

soft limit

A soft limit is a limit with subtlety.  Soft limits are not absolutely forbidden, but may be prohibited under certain circumstances or conditions.  A soft limit is an activity that a submissive/bottom hesitates about, or places strict conditions on, but for which they may still give informed consent, if those conditions are met.

Soft limits may be an area where the submissive has fears that must be approached carefully.  Another scenario where soft limits are commonly encountered are activities that require extraordinary skill.  A submissive, for instance, might allow casual play with a number of dominants, but only allow fire play and other edge play activities with a single dominant they know to be skilled.

other limits?

I’ve seen the term “must limit” or “requirement limit” used to denote something that a person will not do a scene without.  It might be used in a context like this – “A good connection is a must limit for me, I just can’t do a scene unless a I feel that connection.”  Personally, I prefer to just use the word “need”.  Saying, “I need a good connection,” is a so much simpler and straightforward way to communicate.

I’ve also observed (only occasionally) the term “time limit” used to denote a specific time frame for a scene.  The term “time limit” seems to feel a bit like an athletic event is in progress, at least that’s how it feels to me.  As such, I prefer to simply talk about scheduling.  I don’t ask a slave their “time limit”, I’m more likely to say – “How long can I keep you?” Keep it simple stupid – KISS – is a pretty good philosophy for communication, eh?

And, occasionally in the BDSM community you’ll encounter someone who says they are a “no limits” slave.  If you ever encounter such a beast, I have one piece of advice.  Put the laptop away, get up off the Barcalounger, and go to a munch or something.  There is no such thing (in the real world) as a “no limits” slave, they exist only in the fevered imagination of people who rarely have any experience, outside of a fantasy existence where extreme masochism sounds romantic.

If they tell you they are “pure submissive” and have few limits, it usually means the same thing as the “no limits” crowd.  They are all most commonly encountered online, as to go out in the real world and meet actual BDSM players would expose the fantasy as pure fraud.  Do yourself a favor if you meet this sort, lace your shoes up tight, and head in the other direction as fast as you can.  Don’t look back!

L

Catching up on my A, B, C’s – The Letter “A”

Catching up on my A, B, C’s – The Letter “A”

This entry is part 1 of 1 in the series Kink from "A" to "Z"

Back about the letter “I”, as I writing my entries for the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge, I began to compile lists of alternative terms that the particular “featured” letter could have stood for.

For instance, in addition to Inspiration and Influences, the letter “I” could have stood for anything from Ice Play to Interrogation.

It’s a fun vocabulary exercise, if nothing else.  It’s a little bit of extra work to get all the terms together and define the most unusual ones, but I was enjoying it.  I’d considered making it a regular part of the Joy of Kink from “A” to “Z” series, but was wondering if anyone else would appreciate the effort.

Then, Serafina mentioned to me how much she was enjoying that particular feature.  I’m far from being a service top, but I do enjoy putting a smile on my slave’s face.  Then, moments later, the lovely Marie Rebel commented that she was enjoying the lists too.

So, for anyone else out there who was enjoying that part of the series, here’s a bonus for you too . . .

the letter “a”

In addition to acousticophile, the letter “A” could also have stood for:

Abasiophilia – sexual attraction for and arousal from lame, limping or crippled people
Abduction  – consensual fantasy play involving individuals who act out the mock capture, bondage , struggle, and intimidation of one or more sexual partners. The fantasy may be reinforced by the use of costumes, especially police or military uniforms, and the use of bondage paraphernalia such as handcuffs, rope, tape, gags, and blindfolds.
Abrasion – sensation play invloving abrasive/scratchy materials
Abstinence – self-enforced restraint from taking part in sexual activity
Acomoclitic – having a preference for, or being aroused by, hairless genitals
Acrophilia – being sexually aroused by heights or high altitudes
Acrotomophilia – being sexually aroused by an amputee / absence of a limb
Acupressure – an alternative medical technique similar in principle to Acupuncture
Adolescentilism – getting arousal from acting like a teenager
Adultery – some form of extramarital sex – exact definitions very to an extent depending on culture
After Care – special care given after a BDSM scene to help individuals “recover” from the intensity of the experience
Agalmatophilia – Having a fetish for mannequins or statues
Agonophilia – those who enjoy struggle and overpowering a partner (pseudo-rape)
Agoraphilia – arousal from being sexual in public places
Agrexophilia – those who become aroused by knowing others might be aware of, or hear, their lovemaking
Algophilia – sexual arousal from pain, otherwise known as masochism
Allorgasmia – being unable to orgasm without fantasizing about a more desirable partner
Amaurophilia – refers to those who are aroused by a sex partner who is unable to see them, but isn’t blind
Anaclitism – the act of achieving sexual arousal from activities, or objects, one was exposed to as an infant
Anal Sex – butt sex
Anasteemaphilia – having an attraction to others because of a difference in height
Androidism – being excited by robots and/or androids
Andromimetophilia – being aroused by females who imitate males
Anolinctus – the act of licking ass
Anolingus – similar to anolinctus, but refers to actually inserting the tongue into the anus
Anthropophagy – refers to cannibalism – yes, some folk actually have sexual cannibalism fantasies
Aphrodisiacs – substances purported to increase sexual desire or responsiveness
Apotemnophilia – becoming aroused by the idea of losing a limb or being an amputee
Arachnephilia – those who are aroused by sex play involving spiders
Aromantic – a person who has little or no romantic attraction to other people
Asexual – a person devoid of sexual drive, attractions, feelings or desires. They typically have little or no interest in sexual activity
Auctions – form of BDSM fantasy play involving a slave being “sold” at auction to a different Master/Mistress
Autoagonistophilia – a type of exhibitionism, being aroused by being on stage or performing for a camera
Autoerotic Asphyxia – self induced strangling/suffocation while masturbating
Autoeroticism – any sexual activity done by a person in private
Automasochism – the conscious act of inflicting pain on one’s self for erotic release
Axillism – using the armpit for sex

I deliberately avoided all terms referring to abortion for this list.  While abortion is the termination of unwanted pregnancy, and as such is the result of a sexual act, the topic of abortion is a subject that’s truly medical rather than sexual.  In the end, any discussion of abortion in the United States also becomes a political argument.  As such it’s not a part of exploring the joy of kink, at least not from my perspective.  Essentially, abortion is a “hot potato” – I don’t want to be left holding it!

Another that might have made the list, but that I rejected is accidental homosexuality1.  That term is usually defined as a man engaging in homoerotic activity in the absence of partners of the opposite-sex, for instance while incarcerated, or in the armed services.  I personally believe that men who take part in what’s been called “accidental homosexuality” are simply males exploring their bisexual side due to circumstance and opportunity, as such there’s nothing “accidental” about it.  Because the term “accidental lesbianism” has never found common usage, I’m also of the belief that the term “accidental homosexuality” is primarily a societal construct and that it’s prejudicial in nature, implying that heterosexuality is a more “natural” state than bisexuality in men.

Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats. It is a fundamental of taxonomy that nature rarely deals with discrete categories… The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects.
~  Alfred Kinsey | Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948)

AIDS or acquired immunodeficiency syndrome is another term I deliberately left off the list.  AIDS had a huge impact on an earlier generation of the leather community, we lost many of our best and brightest.  As such I won’t trivialize the topic by making it just another name on a list.   I do discuss STD/STI issues here on my blog, I’ve created a series to deal with that topic in fact – STD’s and You.

catching up on my a, b, c’s – the letter “a” – kink “a” to “z”

“K” is for Klismaphilia

“K” is for Klismaphilia

This entry is part 12 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

While blogging the Joy of Kink from “A” to “Z”, what pray-tell does the letter “k” stand for?

Kabazzah 1
Kama Sutra
Karezza 2
Ketamine 3
Key Holder
Kink
Kinsey Report
Kissing
Kleptophilia 4
Klismaphilia 5
Kolpophobia 6
Kneeling
Knitting 7
Knives
Knife Play
Knots
Kokigami 8
KY Jelly

Those are the nominees.

The envelope please . . .

And the winner is . . . .

Klismaphilia!

That’s mostly because klismaphilia is such a fun word.  It just sounds neat on the tongue. Kikigami was the runner up, for the same reason, it’s just a fun word to say.

The actual topic if klismaphilia, well it’s not for everyone.  But isn’t that the case for many kinks?

That’s why tolerance is so vitally important in our community.  My kink may not be your kink, but that doesn’t make it a bad kink.  Your kink may not be my preference (there might actually be a kink or two I’m not into) but I support your right to practice your kink.  I should add that there is one limit, I support you as long as your kink is practiced by consenting adults.

With that little disclaimer out of the way, today’s topic is one with a history going back to the Egyptians.  Klismaphilia is a form of sexual expression where a person gets pleasure from receiving enemas. Occasionally, some individuals can also become aroused by giving enemas to other people. Klismaphilia, as a word, is a recent invention.

It was coined by Dr Joanne Denko back in the early 1970’s, using the Greek word klisma (meaning enema) as the base term for this particular fetish. As with most other things I’ve written about, this is a topic where I have personal experience.  My ex-wife and former submissive, BlissfulTorment enjoyed receiving enemas as a part of our play.  Obviously then, I enjoyed giving them too.

It’s a “power thing” for me.  Enema play gives me a lot of control.  Not to mention being a very intimate activity.

Exploring her own potential for possible klismaphilia is a scary prospect for my Serafina.  She’s got a few fears, a couple of worries, and a nagging concern or two.  In the end (no pun intended) I’m sure those fears will melt away of we ever get serious about exploring this particular kink.  After all, I love turning fears into excitement.

Enemas do also have a purely practical side in exploring the joys of kink.  Not everyone who receives enemas is a klismaphile.  Some folks will give themselves an “anal douche” before taking part in butt sex.

“k” is for klismaphilia

K

“J” is for the Joy of Kink

“J” is for the Joy of Kink

This entry is part 11 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

Have you ever heard of Jactitation?  That term refers to those who derive pleasure, or become aroused, by bragging about their own sexual exploits.  Perhaps you think that some sex bloggers, maybe even yours truly, are guilty of jactitation?

The term jail bait refers to an underage individual who has not yet reached the age of sexual consent.  It’s ok to roleplay jail bait, but it’s never ok to even role play with jail bait.  OK?

Jealousy is something everyone deals with sooner or later.  As a person who’s practiced polyamory since 1989, I find it can be one of the biggest issues facing poly people.  I’d like to think I am immune, but I know I am not.

Jacking off is certainly something most every man will have done at some point in his life.

Jilling off is one term I’ve seen used for female masturbation, turning the masculine term on it’s head.  You go girls!

So, it should follow that a Jack-and-Jill-Off Party is a safe-sex orgy mixing masturbation with other activities, but no penetration.  Makes sense to me, how about you?

Jerk-off is just another term for jacking off.  As are jerking the gherkin, jerking the johnson, jerking the joint, jerk the Turk,  jerk your jewels, jerk yourself a soda, jerking jamby, jerking off, jerking the noodle, and jerking the turkey, among many others.

Jerking the merkin is a euphemism for female masturbation.  Why aren’t there more?

Jewelry is an important part of dressing up for some people.  Nipple and genital jewelry are certainly kinky wardrobe accouterments.

The term juice for jelly refers to the exchange of body fluids between an man and a woman.  It’s not a term I’d use, but it’s in the lexicon.

Juvenilism is a term that could be applied to some age players, just as infantilism was mentioned among yesterday’s kinky vocabulary starting with the letter “I”.

What do all the italicized words have in common?  They all begin with the letter “J”, of course.  And in one form or another, they can be associated with exploring the joy of kink.

I chose the name, the Joy of Kink originally for a blog that was going to be dedicated solely to BDSM education.  The idea was to “write the book” on BDSM from basic to advanced, tackling it in small bites via a blog.  yesterday, in talking about inspirations, I should also have mentioned a couple of websites that no longer exist.

Castle-Realm was a great influence in my desire to create the Joy of Kink.  In it’s day and age, Castle Realm was a classic resource for people just beginning to explore the joy of kink.  The Steel-Door by Mistress Steel (aka FRR Mallory) was another great resource that’s no longer on the web.

Many of the articles from those websites have been copied and re-posted at FetLife and other BDSM sites.  Both can be accessed by the savvy on the internet wayback machine.

In the end, this site has become much more personal than it’s original conception a few years back.  I bought the joyofkink.com domain years ago, and had a blogger blog at that address.  The articles I wrote have been taken down to be rewritten and posted here, but the domian remains, with a single lonely post.

I just had to have a self hosted blog.  And once I had it, I discovered that taking part in the memes of the four influences I mentioned yesterday was far more fulfilling that just writing articles in a vacuum.  The A-Z challenge has brought me back closer to my original goal, and for that I’m thankful, but fun is fun!

But, I also wonder what the letter “K” is going to stand for tomorrow!  Whatever it ends up being, it will likely add yet another chapter in telling the stroy of my own explorations of the joy of kink.

“J” is for the Joy of Kink

J

“I” is for Inspiration and Influences

“I” is for Inspiration and Influences

This entry is part 10 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

The letter “I” could stand for a lot of different things within the concepts behind Joy of Kink from “A” to “Z”.

Ice play.
Ice Queen.
Identity.
Illegal Sex.
Imagination.
Immersion.
Impact Play
Incantation.
Impotence.
Incest.
Infantalism.
Infibulation.
Inebriation.
Inoculation.
Insect fetish.
Insex.com
Insufflation.
Interrogation.
Inunction.

For instance, an essay on “inuction” could include, not only a discussion of the fetish1, but also a discussion of the phenomena of Mazola® parties2

What?  You haven’t heard of a Mazola® party before?  Well, you’ll have to wait until at least next year to find out more, because this year “I” is for inspiration.

I don’t know that a discussion of the inspirations for my kinkiness is possible.  I really have no idea why I am the way that I am.  Frankly I’ve always been this way, it’s really the only way I know how to live.  I am who I am, and previous attempts to understand why, tend to be more than a little bit inscrutable in their result.

So, rather than have a discussion about me, or about my kink, I’d like to discuss the lovely sex bloggers who have inspired me to create the Joy of Kink.  My work has been influenced by a relatively small handful of people and sites, but each is important in their own way.

The Big Four

There are four sex bloggers who have been the primary inspiration for my own work . . .

Curvaceous Dee

Pansexual, polyamorous, and kinky, Curvaceous Dee is the moniker of an absolutely lovely writer (and exhibitionist) who hails from New Zealand, as well as a site’s name.  Far more than anyone else out there, Dee has been a key inspiration for all of my blogging efforts.  Dee is intelligent and witty, not to mention the fact that she’s a very kinky lady.  I adore intelligence and wit, always have and I always will.  I learn from Dee, especially the other blogger’s posts she features in Intriguing Reading.  I think there have been 78 posts in that ongoing series, they all have made me think.  I’m a (mostly) heterosexual male dominant, as such I come from a place of privilege.  The diversity of Dee’s friends pansexual offerings, if nothing else, help to remind me of the wonderful diversity that make up our community, and usually do far more for me than that.  The mind is our biggest sex organ, and I know Dee understands that.  She’s also very brave, her exhibitionist exploits are a very real inspiration to Serafina.  She’s the organizer of the Scavenger Hunt which Serafina and I recently started taking part in, what great fun it is!  Although I’ve never told her so, I’ve got a long distance crush on Dee, I have for a long time.

Molly’s Daily Kiss

Molly is the Queen of sex bloggers.  OK, I don’t know that’s a universally accepted fact, I haven’t seen her crowned as such.  I’m sure there are others who might claim the title.  I mean it certainly could be argued that the “Queen of all Sex Bloggers” is Violet Blue.  But to me, Ms Blue blogs about sex rather than being a sex blogger.   Molly’s Daily Kiss is the epitome of what sex blogging is about today in the year 2014, and for that I give Molly her title.  At least that’s how she’s thought of here in my household.  Molly may be a submissive, but she’s also a natural born leader, and that shows (very much) in the great success of Sinful Sunday.  That meme is easily the most popular and successful one of it’s kind in the world of kinky sex bloggers.  Molly’s Pussy Pride Project is another place where her organizing and leadership skills show.  Her photography skills are also outstanding, and the makeover her site just got is visually stunning, a beautiful look and design.  She’s a beautiful woman too.  Don’t let all the skills fool you, she is definitely a sexy sex blogger. . . What a lady!  Perhaps I don’t have the long term crush on Molly that I have had on Dee, but being newer doesn’t make it any less true.

Rebel’s Notes

Marie Rebel is certainly sex blogger royalty, no doubt about that.  I think of Marie as being something akin to Molly’s sister – that would make her Princess Marie Rebel!  Like Molly’s site, Rebel’s Notes is truly the epitome of what sex blogging in 2014 is all about.  I guess the association in my mind is made stronger by the fact that Molly and Marie are real life friends.  I’ve seen posts of them traipsing about the countryside together, collecting scavenger hunt locations as they go, and can’t help imagining what fun it must have been to be the photographer!  Ms Rebel has great organizing skills too, she’s the host of Wicked Wednesday, another one of my favorite internet memes.  And, she’s yet another beautiful submissive lady blogger.  Now, if I say that I have a bit of a crush on Marie, I’m going to sound like some hopeless headcase, but I have to say this at the very least, she’s a sexy lady who’s more than worthy too.

Kink and Poly

I’m going to start sounding like a broken record here.  Everything I’ve said so far about other outstanding sex bloggers is true also about Jade Melisande, the author of Kink and Poly.  Jade is sexy, very sexy.  Her blog is, like Rebel’s Notes and Molly’s Daily Kiss, everything I could imagine a sex blog should be.  She’s exhibitionistic, intelligent, and she writes great erotica (which is also true of everyone who has preceded her, lest I be remiss in mentioning that.)  Did I mention that she’s sexy?  Oh, ya I did.  The other thing I should mention is that she’s also the first blogger on the list who resides on the same continent.  And, she really only lives a few hours drive away.  I’m guessing our paths will cross someday, at Twisted Tryst, Kinky Kollege, MadtownKinkfest, or maybe something in her home town.  I lived there myself as a community organizer back in 1990, and have to say I never met anyone like Jade.  It’d be great to share a meal, meet her guys.  Maybe even find a way to do a joint Scavenger Hunt or two with Jade and Serafina, tie them to each other or something!  I should also mention that Jade hosts another popular meme – Kink of the Week.

Plus Two

Two other bloggers have been significant influences, even if it’s not as openly apparent.  I’m still working to find the “voice” I want in writing reviews, but it’s still a goal of mine.

Dangerous Lily

The sex toy reviewer’s sex toy reviewer.  Lily’s blog – Dangerous Lily – has always been my greatest inspiration to write sex toy reviews.  She’s incredibly informed and proactive when it comes to the safety of sex toys. Her no nonsense reviews, and outstanding advice for fellow bloggers is greatly appreciated.  It seems like often, she’s just a step ahead of me.  I’ll have an idea for a great blog post, only to do a quick google search and discover that Lily already had the idea, and wrote the definitive blog post about it.

Hey Epiphora

The queen of sex toy reviewers.  Hey Epiphora is THE classic sex toy review site.  Doing reviews of BDSM tools and sex toys is always a part of my inspiration in creating a blog, but writing the reviews is not so easy for me.  I tip my cap to sex toy reviewers like Lily and Epiphora, it’s a tougher job to do right than you might think.

 Honorable Mentions

There are a couple of sites that are still in existence that deserve mention, even if they don’t rise up to the level of the “Big Six”.

bondage blog

In terms of original content, Bondage Blog is by far the weakest of all the blogs I consider to be among the inspirations for the creation of the Joy of Kink.  It’s really little more than a collection of items that have been found elsewhere on the web, and are then re-posted to Bondage Blog.  I rarely visit there anymore, the blog has little to offer me today.  But, ten or twelve years ago, that was a different story.  Bondage blog was the first kink blog I ever found, it led me to dozens of other sites.  It earns it’s place on the list only because it was the very first kinky blog I ever found.  In fact it was probably the first blog I ever actually read.

No Need to be Coy

Run by yet another lovely lady blogger, Coy Pink, No Need to be Coy has a special place in my heart for a very unique reason.  Ms Pink bears a striking resemblance to a lady who was a former love interest of mine back in the 1990’s.  Several years ago, back in 2008, after finding coypink.com, the resemblance between the Coy Pink and my friend led me to look the friend up again, after being out of contact for the better part of a decade.  We are fast friends again, I’m even helping to edit her novel.  While the relationship we once had is well beyond being rekindled, the mutual respect and love we once shared still endures.  Besides Serafina, she is currently the other woman to whom I sign letters to with the word love.  No Need to be Coy earns an honorable mention for rekindling my friendship.

 your blog

I could probably list a dozen others, but the word count for this post will exceed 1800 now before it’s all said and done.  Examples include You Won’t Tame This Sassy Cat, Malflic, Just Like Heaven, Kinky Mia, Dragon’s Kink, Beck and Her Kinks, and ALY- an aspiring and evolving Buddhist slave girl, among others, but there are many more.  I’m nothing, after all if I’m not verbose, and I do love to read, perhaps even more than write.  If you have commented here, and/or I’ve commented on your blog, than you’ve probably had an influence.  The community of sex bloggers is a wonderful place, I’ve made many new online friends in the past few months, and I look forward to making many more.

Finally- the Conclusion – “I” is for Inspiration and Influences

Hopefully, the individuals who have influenced and inspired my blogging efforts will understand that I really wish I  had the time and room to write even more wonderful things about you.

For all the named blogs, as well as the newer discoveries who are not named (at least not this year – I hope to Blog from A-Z in April every year) I thank you all, each and every one of you, for enriching my life.

I

“H” is for Hotel

“H” is for Hotel

This entry is part 9 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

Today’s post is a twofer.

Through a serendipitous coincidence, the letter “H” in the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge happened to come up on the same day as Wicked Wednesday’s prompt for “Hotel”.

I do believe that sometimes things happen in our lives for a reason.  I mean, who would I be to ignore the fact that the Universe has brought these two unrelated occurrences together at the same time?

Certainly, I could have written about handkerchief codes, harems, hermaphrodites, homophobia, hot wax, humiliation, hypnosis, or any of a dozen other forms of kink that start with an “h”.

But, when I think about it, hotels is as good a topic as any other for the letter.  It’s a topic Serafina and I have explored more than just a little over the last 18 months.

Yes indeed, “H” really is for hotel!

For our purposes, for Serafina and I, a hotel room means two things.  The first is a new place to shoot pictures.  When we visit other places and stay overnight, I look for historic hotels, places with history and character.  Those kind of locations almost always make for great atmosphere for both pictures and play.

If possible, I also like to get a “Jacuzzi room”.  After a long day of driving, it’s good to soak in a hot tub of water with a jet pulsating against my back.  Not to mention the fact that a hot tub is a great way to “break the ice” and get things started.

I’ve heard it said that the the phrase, “Let’s all get naked and get in the Jacuzzi,” is actually the mating call of the subspecies Homo sapiens libro1.  That might very well be true, just as the phrase “I am soooo drunk” is the mating call of the college sorority girl.

Which serves as a segue into the other reason to grab a hotel room for a night – the adventure!  It’s all about the potential play.  While Serafina and I do occasionally get a room for ourselves, it’s a rare indulgence.  We’ve very much enjoyed a visit to the Hotel Blackhawk in Davenport, and hope to return again soon.

There is a theme suite in Des Moines we also liked a lot.  Having visited it in March for the High Protocol Dinner, we’ll return again in May when we are in Des Moines for Mischief in May.  Instead of staying at the host hotel for Mischief in May, which isn’t attached to the venue anyway, we reserved the theme suite to use as a backdrop for personal pictures and play next month.  We also enjoyed a stay at the Hotel Jullien in Dubuque, but we were joined in our only stay there by our friend Alpha.

In the end, that’s usually the biggest motivation for a hotel stay, to have a place to play with friends who can’t come visit us in our dungeon.  For the longest time that meant our friends Dee and Gatekeeper.  Obviously, Alpha has joined us for play in hotel rooms as well.  Last summer and fall, for about a six month period, another friend Eva Kaye was added to that mix.  She’s gone from my life, and even from FetLife now, but it should not be forgotten that our first two play encounters were in hotel rooms.

Bringing me to the downsides of hotel rooms, their lack of privacy.  That’s a poignant reminder for me, because I rejected playing with Eva Kaye in hotel rooms after just two attempts, she was just too loud.  An angry thump on the wall from the neighboring room takes on new meaning when BDSM play is happening.  That thump is far more meaningful for BDSM play than if I were just having vanilla sex with my wife and got a little bit overzealous in expressing our passion.

BDSM hasn’t yet received the “Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval”, in fact it’s technically illegal in most parts of the world.  Although people in the sports world are allowed to consent to violence against their person, the law has not yet recognized my play partner’s choice to submit to my whip, flogger, or cane.

So, in my case, as a sadist and dominant who often plays with impact toys, a visit from hotel management could be more than an embarrassing inconvenience.  While a vanilla couple would probably escape with a great story to tell their friends, I’m a lot more likely to have serious consequences from such a visit.  Cries for help2 and visible bruises are just the two most obvious ways I could end up in trouble.  If things go too far wrong, I could end up in jail.

Worries about an encounter with law enforcement should never be at the forefront of my mind when getting kinky at a hotel, but it should never be totally outside of my consideration either.  It’s always better to be safe than sorry.

In the end, a hotel room can be a great place to play and get kinky.  For folks with children, it’s always an option to use as a get away, after all public dungeon spaces aren’t that common, and they aren’t always available when convenient, even if a person does live nearby.  Hotels also provide location to meet friends who can’t travel to our home.  Serafina and I don’t particularly care to play with people we wouldn’t invite to our home, but that’s yet another use for a hotel room.  They make great places to meet for a casual encounter.

A new (but dear) friend, who I found out last night is a regular reader of my blog, uses hotel rooms for Craig’s List style encounters.  She really gets off on the adrenaline rush, the excitement from the fear she gets going into such trysts.  I can certainly understand that rush.  I mean it sounds like fun, even if it’s not within my personal experience to have tried such an encounter.

I mean, I’m the guy who’s never had a one night stand.  Not once.  It used to be on my “bucket list”, but I’ve realized that a one night stand means it wasn’t good enough, that the person I fucked didn’t want to come back for more.  I like to find a connection and build on it, sex and play Samadhi style gets better and better over time.

But, if I wanted to explore having a one night stand, it would undoubtedly be in a hotel.  Here’s hoping they have hypo-allergenic rooms!

“h” is for hotels

hotel

H

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