I’ve written before about our new love Sinnja. In fact, it seems that she’s been all over the blog for the last few weeks. It’s fairly rare to find a post that she’s not mentioned in during that time span.
Well, I’m here to talk about the relationship again. Imagine that, right?
The Wicked Wednesday prompt this week couldn’t come at a more timely point for me, as the word “considering” is on my mind right now, at least it was on my mind until this past weekend.
There was a change in my status at Fetlife over the weekend. I went from “considering” Sinnja to being listed as her dominant instead. It’s actually a more meaningful step than might be realized from the vanilla connotation of the words involved. And, in the end, that’s what this post is about, what it means to move beyond “considering” a submissive.
Collar of Consideration
The “collar of consideration” is often the first collar given as a part of a BDSM relationship. It indicates a basic commitment by the individuals involved, a commitment to explore the relationship. Although it’s not perfect, the best description I’ve seen written so far came from F.R.R. Mallory’s old Steel Door website, that’s now disappeared. Here’s an excerpt from that piece:
The first collar offered is called the ‘Collar of Consideration’. This identification comes from the Old Guard Leather community, the same source of the Safe, Sane and Consensual code. This Collar is traditionally given at the very beginning of a potential relationship. There are many variations on how a collar may be represented in actuality. It can be by a bracelet, waist chain, anklet or other choice. This is sometimes determined by the situation of the submissive such as job requirements etc. Sometimes it is dictated by the Dominant’s personal taste. The traditional or customary representation of the ‘Collar of Consideration’ is a leather collar in some shade of blue. The actual shade of color is not as important as the color itself.
The Dominant by offering this collar to the submissive is expressing an interest in pursuing a potential furthering of a relationship with that submissive beyond the range of a casual acquaintance or even the relationship between a Top and bottom. This collar is offered seriously and with intent. The submissive in accepting this collar from the Dominant is equally serious in their understanding that their relationship has moved into a different stage. The existence of the Collar of Consideration indicates to other Dominant’s and submissives that the Dominant and submissive are forming a potentially serious relationship. It’s existence acts to openly present to other Dominant’s that this submissive is ‘off-limits’ for the duration of the ‘consideration’ period and that honorable Dominant’s should not pursue this submissive in any manner.
It is understood that new relationships are fragile and vulnerable to both parties involved. Respect for new relationships is shown by adhering to the presence of collars and their underlying meanings. The ‘Collar of Consideration’ does not indicate a lifelong commitment between the Dominant and submissive but might be better considered to be similar to a pre-engagement ring.
I’m Facebook friends with Ms. Mallory, so I don’t want to get too far into the territory of criticizing, or deconstructing, another author’s work. That especially true for someone who I consider to be a sort of casual friend. Just let me say that the “Safe, Sane and Consensual” credo is not an old guard invention at all, it’s newer than that IMHO. The first paragraph is full of issues like that. That part of the essay I generally disagree with, but, plenty of that excerpt is spot on. Otherwise I’d not have bothered to share it with you, my dear reader.
Essentially, the collar of consideration is the high school equivalent of “going together”. Instead of wearing a class ring around the neck, it’s a collar. I don’t want to diminish the collar of consideration by comparing it to a high school tradition, certainly the collar of consideration is more adult and serious than teenage “love”. With that said, it is what it is. The collar of consideration is a step up from being play partners. The collar of consideration indicages a sort of conditional commitment. It says, at least from my viewpoint, that the individuals involved are exploring the relationship, but it’s too new to be truly serious.
Beyond Considering Sinnja
The relationship between Serafina, Sinnja and myself is still relatively new. We’ve only known Sinnja since December, that’s just six months. And, a lot of that time wasn’t devoted to building a friendship, or relationship, it was instead occupied dealing with the most severe Midwestern winter in my lifetime. We’ve only been “playing” with Sinnja for a couple of months now.
But the “play” has been pretty serious, and relatively extensive. We’ve found a wonderful chemistry, not just between Sinnja and I, but also between she and Serafina. We’ve spent every weekend together in that time, and the “weekends” just keep getting longer and longer. Our recent Mischief in May weekend lasted from Thursday until Tuesday, and what a marvelous time together it was!
We’ve shared. We’ve discovered things about each other. We’ve discovered things about ourselves too. We’ve grown, and we’ve grown together. We find ourselves making very serious plans together. Plans that involve far more than weekends and festivals together.
We’ve already grown far beyond simple consideration. It was time to acknowledge how far we’ve progressed.
The first step was a small private ceremony.
I spoke simply of how we’ve obviously moved beyond considering each other, and that it was time to officially acknowledge for the rest of the world what we already knew ourselves. The exact words I spoke were private. I won’t share them here.
No matter the words I used, the point was simple. Now it’s just a question of working out the details. We are far beyond considering!
We all have within us, the ability to become God and Goddess incarnate when we make love.
We become that to each other, and for each other, through ritual and meditative practice, at least that’s the theory.
The concept works for some people, but not for others.
I find the symbolism to be meaningful, but enlightened authors like Janet Hardy find it too “new agey” to be useful.
Your mileage may vary, obviously.
It’s often said that our body is our temple, and I find some truth there too. It’s close to my belief. I believe in the here and now, and I’ve already mentioned becoming God and Goddess incarnate as a part of my practice.
But, I don’t worship at the alter of my own form, it’s not my own body that will transform and transport me to higher realms.
She is my temple. Her pussy is my altar.
To worship at the altar of self, as so many seem to do today, is not a path of transformation. To worship at the altar of our partners, well to my eyes, that’s very clearly transformative.
It’s only when our souls have merged that we can escape our existence, and can become that potential God and Goddess to each other.
You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
You may find yourself in another part of the world
You may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
You may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife
You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?
Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime, water flowing underground
You may ask yourself, how do I work this? ~ lyric from Once in a Lifetime by David Byrne, Chris Franz, Tina Weymouth, Jerry Harrison, Brian Eno
how did I get here?
So, I find myself sitting at a restaurant. And I find myself sharing a meal with another couple from the BDSM lifestyle. And I find myself sitting with my wonderfully lovely slave/wife Serafina on my right. And I find myself with the equally lovely EvaKaye, my new submissive, on my left.
I guarantee that the three most beautiful, the three most radiant, the three sexiest (not to mention the three kinkiest) women in the establishment were sitting there at my table! And, two of them are mine!
And, at this point I really do ask myself, how did I get here? Believe it or not, I also asked myself, how do I work this?
Now I have to confess that my thoughts weren’t really the lyrics of a popular song, the actual thought that comes to mind when sitting in a booth with EvaKaye on one side and Serafina on the other is this:
“Dear Lord, I don’t know what I’ve done to earn the honor and privilege of being able to accompany these two wonderful creatures, but please God, give me the strength, wisdom, and courage to do them justice. To my eyes Lord, they are your most beautiful creations.”
I also believe that can be roughly translated to mean “How did I get here?” and “How do I work this?”
how do I work this?
Dominants are supposed to have answers, at least that’s the reality I come from (your mileage and reality may vary!) Yes, I suppose I have my share of answers, but it seems I have more than my share of questions as well these days too.
I guess if I think long and hard enough I can answer “How did I get here?” – the path I’ve taken is clear enough in retrospect, even if looking back now it’s overgrown and more than a little tortuous. I bought into the whole “road less traveled” imagery so much that most of my life I’ve been bushwhacking thru underbrush, nary a footstep, let along another’s path to follow.
And I suppose that’s the experience that has made the man who stands before you today. Everything I do, everything I experience, it truly is a once in a lifetime event. All our yesterday’s are gone, and tomorrow’s sometime never come. That’s the real reason we are told to live for the moment, to seize the day, because in the end that’s all we have, this one moment in this one lifetime, to experience what’s before us.
I mean not only am I blessed with the aforementioned submissive and slave that I can call my own, I also get to mentor and play with a third lovely lady masochist who is enthralling in her own right. I also have good friends in the lifestyle, and am finding more all the time.
I’m certainly not going to be appearing on any commercials as the worlds most interesting man, that’s without a doubt true, but I’d be willing to accept the title of “world’s luckiest man”. For God’s sake, in addition to the slave, submissive, and play partner, there’s even a St Andrew’s Cross, a Dungeon bed, a suspension frame, and a spanking bench spread out between the rooms of my home’s main floor. World’s luckiest man indeed!
So, I guess that means that it turns out that I also have at least a semblance of an answer to the question, “How do I work this?”
And the answer is simple, I look to the values that brought me to where I am today. I look at how I got here to see where I’m going. And the realization that suddenly strikes me, is that – Everything I really need to know I learned from BDSM.
No matter what lesson I’ve needed to learn, I’ve realized my own best answers from studying and living this lifestyle.
I know that’s not the path that most others take, but most don’t tie their first girl up for sex 7 months before their 18th birthday. Well, maybe with the internet that’s not so true anymore, but back in 1980, my path hadn’t been much more than trailblazed before me.
I came from a dysfunctional family, and was an only child to boot, not to mention having no children of my own. So, it’s become true that the fetish/kink/BDSM community is my real family. I’m often asked how I can have a St Andrew’s Cross and a dungeon bed in my living room, what do I do when people who don’t live the lifestyle come to visit?
I never liked answering a question with a question, but can’t help but reply – “Why would I want people who don’t understand my lifestyle visiting my home?”
That’s how I work it for now, but even that’s open to change. One never knows where the next twist in the road will take me, the only thing I’m sure of today is that BDSM has shaped me (and my life) for the better. BDSM has become a core part of who I am.
Michael Samadhi has become as much “who I am” as any name my Mother might have put on a birth certificate . . . Once in a lifetime indeed!
You may ask yourself, what is that beautiful house?
You may ask yourself, where does that highway lead to?
You may ask yourself, am I right, am I wrong?
You may say to yourself, my god, what have I done?
Well you may ask yourself those things, I know very well what I’ve done. And I know what I’m going to do too . . .
Same as it ever was
Same as it ever was
Same as it ever was
Same as it ever was
Same as it ever was
Now go find out for yourself, what BDSM can do for you!
Who I am finally, if not the long silent part of someone, the secret and nocturnal part which has never betrayed itself in public by any thought, word, or deed, but communicates through subterranean depths of the imaginary with dreams as old as the world itself?