OMFG It Stings! – The Spider Bite Stiffy

now THAT's a love bite . . .

Phoneutria nigriventer

It’s a truly wicked looking spider.  Even a quick glance at this creature seems to signal it’s bad intent.

For individuals with arachnophobia, there really is something here to fear.

Aggressive.

Stealthy.

Highly venomous.

In fact, calling this little beast ‘highly venomous’ is a significant understatement.

It’s currently listed by Guinness World Records, the official site of ultimate record-breaking facts & achievements, as the most venous spider on the planet.

The scientific name for this spider is Phoneutria nigriventer, but it goes by many others.  A good number of arachnids are known as ‘banana spider’, this is one of them.

From the word armadeiras in Brazilian Portuguese, it’s also one of the species known as ‘armed spiders’.

And, it has another common name that’s quite descriptive.

aka the Brazillian Wandering Spider

If the illustrations I’ve provided of the Brazillian Wandering Spider make it look imposing, that’s because it is a spectacular creature.

They grow in size until they are between 5″ and 6″ across.

Unlike other spiders that build webs, or hunt from lairs, this little beast wanders the jungle floor at night.  Hunting for prey.

During the day they like to hide in dark moist places.

In nature that means termite mounds, under rocks and downed tree limbs.  Inside bundles of bananas, and some favored species of plants.

It also means they are drawn to human dwellings.  They hide under buildings.  In houses, cars, clothes, boots, and boxes.

Anywhere it’s dark and damp.

In the Brazillian and Central American jungles, the habitat where these arachnids live, most everything is damp.

Front legs raised, Phoneutria nigriventer in it’s characteristic defensive posture. 

it may not kill you, but …

Yes, the bite of the Brazillian Wandering Spider is potentially deadly.

The venom will cause paralysis, and ultimately asphyxiation.  Tragically, there are confirmed cases of infant mortality.

The first bit of good news I can offer — Phoneutria nigriventer‘s jaws are not well adapted to piercing skin.

Thankfully.

Meaning, despite the venom’s extreme toxicity, this spider’s bite is rarely fatal.

But the side effects of even small amounts of Brazillian Wandering Spider venom come with a very real kick.

It may not kill you, but …

The erection is a side effect that everybody who gets stung by this spider will experience along with the pain and discomfort.

Romulo Leite

Medical College of Georgia

priapism

While generally not deadly to individuals beyond the age of infancy, the bite of the Brazillian Wandering Spider does have a very significant toxic effect.

It begins with intense generalized pain.  Everywhere.  And severe inflammation.

If that’s doesn’t sound bad enough, just wait.  Lying there, body racked with excruciating pain, there is still another effect coming.

Adding insult to serious injury…

It’s a hard-on.

The stiff dick is also in excruciating pain, just like everything else.

And it won’t go away!

Remember those Viagra commercials?  The ones warning you to seek medical attention if an erection lasts more than four hours?

Believe it or not, this is going to be one of those…

If you get an erection lasting more than 4 hours, seek immediate medical help to avoid long-term injury.

Eli Lilly and Company

Cialis website

report to the emergency room

So, if you have a penis, and you’ve been bitten by one of those fucking Brazillian Wandering Spiders, it’s time for a trip to the emergency room.

Do not pass Go!  Do not collect $200.

Get your silly spider bitten ass off to the closest doctor available.

If you’d like to keep using your dick, that is…

I’m not going to bore you, my dear reader, with all the medical explanations for why a long lasting erection is dangerous.

Suffice it to say that it is so.  (Along with an open invitation to research the topic yourself if you don’t believe me.  Here’s a link to start – Priapism.)

All I’ll say is this – the likely result of untreated priapism (whether caused by spiders or pharmaceuticals) will be a lifetime of total impotence.

Also, I will not describe one potential medical treatment for the never-ending erection, lest I discourage you from seeking the immediate medical your certainly will need.

It’s gruesome.  But not nearly as bad as the alternative.

potential medical uses

Despite the extreme pain this spider’s bite causes, it should be no great surprise that the venom’s ability to create a strong erection is of great interest to science.

By science, at least in this case, I mean pharmaceutical companies.

Erectile dysfunction drugs are huge money makers.  I’ve read that the biggest profits in the drug manufacturer’s arsenal come from ED medicines.

It makes sense.  The potential market for the pills is huge.  Sooner or later, if a man lives long enough, it’s pretty much inevitable he’s going to have erectile issues.  For some, those issues can creep up as early as middle-age.

And, the mechanism in Brazillian Wandering Spider’s venom that causes hard-ons works differently than existing drugs like viagra.

So, drug manufacturers are very excited at the potential of a new drug.  It could potentially be as big, or even bigger, than viagra.

I’d wager the thought of all those profits is giving some drug executive a stiffy right now.

Pin It on Pinterest