- Nervous? – Wicked Wednesday #87
- Decisions? They Are Mine!
- The First Time Serafina Was Shared
- Balancing Pain And Pleasure
- I got a prayer with a girl . . .
- Hidden Problems
- Communicate and Educate
- Alone Together Again
- Energy Antennae
- “S” is for Safe Sex
- My Leather Family Comes Full Circle
- There Once Was a Chance I Didn’t Take
- Beyond Considering Sinnja
- Slippery Slopes and Trigger Warnings
- Jealousy – the Green Eyed Monster
- YKINMK – Your Kink Is Not My Kink (and that’s ok)
- Charlotte! (Rhymes with Harlot)
- What Do You Doubt?
- If Orange is the New Black Then Black is the New White
- Sending Smoke Signals
- The difficult truth!
I’ve been doing this kind of thing (kink) for a long time. The first time I tied a woman up for sex was back in 1980. Last December was actually the 33rd anniversary of the occasion; but, in some ways it still feels just like yesterday. That 33rd anniversary bit probably makes me sound older than I really am, as I’m “only” 50. Needless to say, I started young, and just kept going.
I’d like to think that I’ve learned a lot over those years. Certainly, I’ve learned a lot of my lessons the hard way. And, to be honest, I’m still learning. I sincerely hope I’m learning until the day I expire, because if I’m not learning and growing, I’m already dying inside.
I know that not everyone feels that way. Some folks go to work every day, come home to their family, and that’s about it. Maybe their work forces them into educational opportunities from time to time, but otherwise they don’t have time for “continuing education”, at least not the way I desire. To me that’s kind of sad, if they don’t have room in their life for a true passion, then to my eyes they are also already living their life as though they were dead. Thoreau had it quite right when he said “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”
In arranging my life as I have, in endeavoring to live life to it’s fullest, to embrace even my darker sides, I’ve learned to communicate pretty well. In some cases I’ve learned to communicate too well I think. I believe that, at times, I intimidate people because I do communicate so openly. They aren’t used to the kind of dialogue I can maintain.
On occasion, the questions I ask aren’t always simple either. BDSM is 90% mental. The mindset going into a scene, and the mindset in a scene, are all critical to it’s success. So, I want to crawl around inside my play partner’s brain before we play, I want to find out what makes them squirm. That can lead to uncomfortable questions, and sometimes to even more uncomfortable answers. Sometimes it even leads to problems. It is possible to communicate too much, it seems, at least with some individuals.
And, more and more these days, when I am communicating, I’m also educating. Serafina says I’m a natural teacher, and there’s at least a little truth to that observation. My FetLife profile currently lists me as the mentor of four different people, that’s probably a conservative number. It seems that no matter the audience, I’ll try to impart at least a little of what I’ve learned.
If a visitor in my home asks about my whips, they are likely to hear about the differences between a bullwhip, snake whip, stock whip, and signal whip. I’ll likely get one and explain it’s anatomy. From there I’ll go on to explain the whip’s uses in the dungeon, and perhaps display a few of throws I’ve learned.
“Oh, you mean the bullwhip? That’s the whip with the braided handle, like Indiana Jones used. The signal whip doesn’t have that handle, nor does it have the leather thong between the braided portion of the whip and it’s cracker. The cracker (or popper) is the nylon twine at the end of it all. Believe it or not, that’s the portion that makes the noise when the whip cracks. I always use a removable popper, so nobody ever has to worry about being hit with a cracker that’s cut somone else. As soon as I’ve finished using it on you I can remove it, and give it to you as a souvenir of the experience.”
Ask about my Neon Wand (a less powerful version of the Violet Wand that may be more appropriate for some folks who don’t desire the stronger sensations) and the treatment is similar. I’ll talk about static electricity, it’s relative safety, and it’s erotic uses. I’m likely to pull out the wand to demonstrate the various glass attachments in my kit. If they aren’t camera shy, I’m likely to offer to get out my trusty Nikon, so I can create a souvenir of the demo. Perhaps we can capture the spark as it flies . . .
The way I communicate with Serafina is different than that, yet similar. We are more intimate. I know her mind, have crawled around and explored it’s recesses like a spelunker. We’ve been together for more than a decade now, yet, I still fall into the role of educator when we travel.
“Do you see the lay of the land over there, that bluff? That’s a moraine, a relic of the ice age, it’s where the terminal edge of a glacier sat, dumping it’s load of rocky debris to form that ridge.”
And perhaps most tellingly, I rarely even call my floggers, canes, paddles, straps, and riding crops by the name “toys”, as many others in the lifestyle do. To me they are ‘implements of instruction’. That pretty well sums it up for me. I’m a Master. I’m a trainer. I’m a mentor. I’m an educator. I’m many other things as well, but those are the roles I find myself in when exploring the joy of kink with my slave, friends, and leather family.
Who I am, the role I’m playing, will effect how I communicate. There are many ways to get a point across, and it’s going to vary depending on who I’m communicating with, and what we are discussing. Inside the context of a scene, that communication going to become even more diverse in it’s application. The way I get a point across to a masochist is not the same as how I’d instruct someone who is submissive (but doesn’t crave more intense sensation).
Thank you all, for this opportunity to express myself. This blog has become a way for me to communicate. Which brings me back full circle to my introduction. I know how to communicate because of my experience, because of all the things I’ve tried (and sometimes failed) or experimented with. I’m always learning and growing, and with that, my ability to communicate with my partners, with an audience, and even with you my dear reader, continues to grow too.
I’ve learned to embrace who I am, to “own my kink” so to speak. With that came the ability to talk about my passion without shame, or other unnecessary inhibition. By embracing who I am, all sides of myself, even the ones most people prefer to remain hidden, I truly learned to communicate. When you are ready (if you aren’t there already) I wish the same for you.