This entry is part 5 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

That which we do not bring to consciousness appears in our lives as fate.
~ Carl Jung

From time to time I struggle with the sadism I feel truly is an inherent part of my nature. It doesn’t matter that my masochist “victims” are very much willing, that they thank me when our scenes are done, and not in the ritualized sense that a submissive might thank their dominant for orgasm denial. Their thanks aren’t protocol, I fulfill a need for them, just as they fulfill mine. Yet, that still doesn’t assuage the guilt I feel. I’m still learning to embrace my shadow . . .

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”
~ Carl Jung

I’ve heard it said that being submissive is sometimes frightful and confusing. The same could be said for masochism.

Well, my dear friends and readers, I’m here to tell you it’s not a whole lot different for sadists. In the end, we are all similar in one way, that we are allowing a part of our shadow1 to emerge. Acting on thoughts of sadism means exploring a side of ourselves that others might find evil or loathsome.

There’s a standing joke between Alpha and I, usually said after a particularly intense scene with serafina, or one of our other playmates. Alpha turns to me and says, “You know Master2, we would have made good Nazis.”

In truth, Alpha and I would have made piss poor Nazi’s. We are far too much the rugged individual type to be taken in by charismatic mass movements, not to mention the fact that neither of our political leanings tend toward the right. Dominants we are, fascists we are not.

The humor, perhaps more than anything else, could be revealing of the inner guilt we feel in giving our shadow self that free reign. In researching the internal shadow aspect, I’ve learned that it’s often dealt with using humor of that very sort. Which, strangely enough, brings me around to today’s topic – dacryphilia. Any discussion I might have concerning that term is going to involve the shadow, because the response seems to be a polar opposite of what’s expected by society.

A person with dacryphilia (also called dacrylagnia) is aroused by seeing crying or tears. The term dacryphilia is wide ranging, covering all forms of pleasure a person might receive from the tears of others. As such, the term easily fits into a discussion about BDSM and the joys of kink.

In today’s society men are generally conditioned to react to a woman’s tears with some combination of compassion, remorse, sympathy, and/or guilt. Some woman go so far as to use tears as a way to manipulate their lovers. But, if/when such a woman encounters a dacryphiliac, she’s likely to be in for quite a rude surprise.

dacryphilia and me . . .

Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.
~ Carl Jung

I know what happens when a dacryphiliac meets a frequent crier from personal experience. I’ve been there, done that, and probably should have a t-shirt proclaiming that I survived.

I had a former submissive who’d been more than a little bit of an actress in high school and college. She and I were married for something like 15 years, which is probably more a testament to my stubbornness and youth than it is to our true compatibility. Let me just say that BlissfulTorment could pout and cry with the best of them. She could make herself cry on cue. If they gave rewards for crying they way a person gets them for flying, I’m sure she could travel the world free for years on her “frequent crier” miles. She did it all the time, and I usually responded with the combination of feelings her crying was meant to elicit.

But, she played that particular card a little too frequently it seems, and it unleashed the shadow. One day her crying game was done to the point of overkill, and then things changed – dramatically. That fateful evening, while in the middle of an acrimonious fight that was a part of our breakup, I found that her tears and pouting had started to turn me on. She’s screaming and crying, sobbing and moaning – and my fucking dick gets hard!

By definition, a person with dacryphilia gets a measure of arousal from viewing a person in emotional distress. Although usually it’s the tears of others, I’ve heard that some people can get aroused by their own tears. With that said, that’s not what I feel at all. Obviously then, dacryphilia comes in a variety of shapes and sizes, pretty much like everything else that is human.

For me to feel arousal from seeing another’s tears, a number of very specific conditions must be met. From a psychological sense, I’d guess this might mean that I’m so controlling that I keep even my own shadow on a tight leash when I do let it out.

The first condition would be that I need to feel close to the person crying. They need to be at least a play partner, at best a love interest. Seeing tears on a stranger does nothing for me.

Second, the tears need to be the “real deal” – crocodile tears don’t excite me. I need to know that real turmoil caused the tears. Now, it doesn’t matter if the turmoil is physical (from intense sensation) or emotional (from intense emotions). I have to sense the crying is real for it to have any effect.

And, I pretty much need to be the cause of the tears too. This part of the “fetish” has some subtleties to it. I’d think that if Alpha and I were working a girl over together and she teared up from the scene, that it would have an effect. I’d probably say to him, “Damn Alpha, we really would have made good Nazis!” as I rubbed my hard-on against our teary victim. But, if it was just him causing tears in a scene as I shot photographs from the sidelines – meh – no real effect.

And, finally, it can’t be carried on for too long. The other night Serafina and I had a scene together where tears flowed down her cheeks for a solid half hour straight. I think they started because one particular zap from the neon wand3 caught her off guard At first I teased her, telling her, “You better be careful girl, you know what those tears do to me.” And yes, at that point I was rubbing a hard dick against her. But, as she carried on longer and longer, things changed for me.

Because the crying went on long enough for me to feel uncomfortable, the shadow was put away. I ended up cutting the scene short, I felt it wasn’t working. I only discovered after the fact that Serafina wasn’t really “crying” as she put it. That the tears were simply tears of joy, she’d realized how much she loves me and how much she loves our play and it overwhelmed her.

Leaving me to ask, was the shadow put away, or did my shadow aspect realize what I did not? Serafina’s tears that night weren’t the kind of tears that feed the shadow. Tears of joy somehow don’t excite that aspect of me at all . . .

“d” is for dacryphilia


  1. In Jungian psychology, the shadow can refer to an unconscious aspect of personality which the conscious ego does not identify in itself. Because one tends to reject or remain ignorant of the least desirable aspects of our own personality, the shadow can be largely negative. It can also refer to the entirety of the unconscious, i.e., everything of which a person is not fully conscious. There can be positive aspects which may also remain hidden in one’s shadow, especially in people with low self-esteem.
  2. Yes Alpha really does call me “Master”, as in “Master Michael” (what Serafina calls me) and I really do call him Alpha. It reinforces our roles with our playmates, not to mention being a sign of the mutual respect we hold for each other
  3. a lower powered violet wand alternative
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Blogging from A to Z Challenge, Education “D” is for Dacryphilia
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