The same as any other human community, interpersonal drama can easily be found in the world of kink and BDSM. I do my best to just keep my head down and avoid the drama, but occasionally an issue will roll right up to one’s feet. That’s the one time when keeping your head down will not help. Under those circumstances, issues laid right at your feet will be looking you straight in the eye.
That’s exactly what happened yesterday, some unavoidable public drama washed up on the shores of the Isle of Samadhi involving a website named Domination Blacklist. I’m really not in a place to share any details about the drama, other than to say that it involved the Domination Blacklist website, and a local Domme who had taken it upon herself to “out” a submissive by posting their real name, profession, and place of residence on that site. That’s serious drama in my book!
What’s that? You are not familiar with the Domination Blacklist site? Well, don’t feel bad, neither was I until yesterday. Frankly, it’s a really bad idea, I hope it doesn’t last very long. So, if you haven’t been aware of its existence, count your blessings, that means none of the site’s intentional drama has invaded your personal domain.
what is Domination Blacklist?
Let’s start the discussion by defining the term blacklist. Using Wikipedia as a source we find term’s definition to be:
A blacklist (or black list) is a list or register of entities who, for one reason or another, are being denied a particular privilege, service, mobility, access or recognition. As a verb, to blacklist can mean to deny someone work in a particular field, or to ostracize a person from a certain social circle.
In all honesty, the term has always had a very negative connotation to me. It screams of McCarthyism1, and hearkens back to an era when public witch hunts were a legislative tool. While some folks in the fetish community may enjoy living a so-called 1950’s lifestyle, I don’t think any of us would relish a return to Joe McCarthy2 style politics.
Now with that ugliness out-of-the-way, let’s look at the concept behind the Domination Blacklist:
The Domination Blacklist was designed to keep those who are saying they are submissive and aren’t out of the scene. Some players get a kick out of calling a Domme/Dom and wasting their time (control) or booking an appointment knowing they aren’t going to show up for it and then laughing knowing they made the Domme/Dom sit around waiting for them.
I’m doing my best to avoid commenting on the obvious inferiority complex of a dominant who imagines a submissive laughing at them over a missed appointment. As if that wasn’t statement wasn’t bad enough, further down on the site’s “welcome” page, the site’s real purpose comes to the forefront – revenge!:
Make the offender Suffer!
The next time you get stood up or somebody calls/texts you to no end, make them suffer. Add them to the Domination Blacklist and make them BEG to be removed! Let them know that they will NEVER get to see another Domme/Dom while they are on the Domination blacklist. Get the satisfaction of knowing you have put them back in place and that the dominant are the ones in control.
The use of bold type for the words “make them suffer” is the website’s emphasis, not anything I’ve added. I guess we’re supposed to know how serious the site’s founder is by the way she stood on the shift key for the words “beg” and “never”. I mean we all know nothing screams dominance like the capitalization key!
it’s not about the community
Confidentiality is a very big deal in the kink community. So much so that one of the very first “rules” newcomers to the kink community should be taught is to respect the privacy and confidentiality of our fellow community members. There are very few things I’d describe as “hard and fast rule” in our community, but respecting the privacy of others is a basic core value within the world of kink/BDSM.
I don’t want to turn this post into a long discussion on the topic of privacy in the BDSM community, that really is a different essay for another day. But, I really can’t stress strongly enough the importance of respecting confidentiality. With that in mind, I’ll simply include a few more words on the topic from renowned sex educators Molena Williams and Lee Harrington, from their book, Playing Well with Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities.
Many people leading alternative lives under the radar of the mainstream are not “out” about their full journey. This is a perfectly valid choice: they consider their sex lives to be private, and really not to be shared with the general public. Others are involved in professions where the knowledge of their proclivities could endanger their careers, or have family members who would not be supportive if news of their kink side were to be publicized. Members of kink communities have lost custody of children, been dismissed from jobs, been shunned by family and loved ones, and faced violence — criminal, non-consensual violence — at the hands of others because of their orientation. So when we say privacy is a big deal, we really mean it.
Having established the great importance of privacy/confidentiality within our community, it suddenly becomes crystal clear why I have a serious problem with the so called “Domination Blacklist”. By design it’s intended to violate the privacy of players. Sorry kiddies, but that’s an absolute “Bozo No-no”.
If Domination Blacklist’s intent was some misguided attempt to protect the kink community from dangerous predators, it would still be wrong, but it would at least it would have a noble ideal lurking in the background. As shown so very clearly by the site’s openly stated desire to “make the offender suffer” – the site’s stated intent is to cause real pain. We aren’t talking consensual suffering either, we are talking predatory and malicious intent on the part of the people who are posting there – they want to hurt somebody in a non-consensual manner.
Folks, it needs to be said – the kind of attitude expressed by Domination Blacklist isn’t kink or BDSM, it’s pathological behavior, pure and simple!
When it’s all said and done, it seems that the biggest motivation behind the Domination Blacklist website is to protect the profit of professional Dommes. If I’m stood up by a potential date, I’ve only wasted some of my time. But, when a pro-Domme is stood up, it is not only a personal imposition, she is losing time on the clock. Every time she’s stood up, it’s lost profit. Just like the lyric of the old Cyndi Lauper song, money changes everything! That’s why being stood up is such a big issue for them, it’s all about the money.
Please don’t misunderstand, I have two great friends who are professional Dommes. They are wonderful ladies, if I were a sub and couldn’t find another outlet, I’d certainly entertain the thought of employing their services. I understand that a professional Domme provides a needed service for submissive men, I’ve no problem with that dynamic. But, we can’t pretend that the exchange of money doesn’t change the equation.
That, however, doesn’t justify a website dedicated to revenge, now does it? Lets be honest here too, appointments get changed and cancelled all the time, that’s just part of the human condition. I don’t see any other profession finding the need to post websites with public lists of names to shame clients that missed an appointment. My auto mechanic doesn’t have a site like that, my cable company doesn’t either, nor does my attorney. Neither my doctor, nor my dog’s veterinarian, find the need to have a blacklist website of clients who pissed them off.
diagnosis – top’s disease
It doesn’t always take a weatherman to tell which way the wind’s a blowin’, and it doesn’t take a Ph. D. in psychology to know where the problem lies here. It’s the classic case of an individual starting to believe one’s own propaganda. Lot’s of Dommes buy into the concept of Female Superiority. Even those that don’t fully embrace the concept themselves probably have clients who want to live out some sort of female supremacist fantasy. That can make them very prone to what is called “top’s disease”.
While not usually a life threatening illness, it can be a very problematic affliction. Top’s disease is usually defined as the tendency for some dominants to grow into a sense of infallibility or omnipotence. It’s especially prominent in newer dominant types, those who haven’t yet learned that they actually know very little, or nothing at all. In the vanilla world there’s another word used to describe the condition, it’s called “hubris”. My mom had yet another way of putting it, she’d simply say that somebody was “full of themselves.”
In the end, my mom’s advice for such an individual was also simple and succinct – “Get over yourself!” she’d say.
My advice for participants of the Domination Blacklist website would be exactly the same – “Get over yourselves! Being a dominant doesn’t make you superior to anyone. Your profit isn’t any more important than another individual’s privacy! Your time isn’t so valuable that it’s worth violating anyone’s right to confidentiality! And for God’s sake, quit outing folks. Not only is it unethical, it’s a horrid business practice. Never forget that consumers have their own alternative to blacklist – it’s called boycott!”
Just say NO (see I can use the shift key too!) to dominants using Domination Blacklist!
- McCarthyism is the practice of making accusations of disloyalty, subversion, or treason without proper regard for evidence. It also means “the practice of making unfair allegations or using unfair investigative techniques, especially in order to restrict dissent or political criticism ↩
- Joseph Raymond “Joe” McCarthy (November 14, 1908 – May 2, 1957) was an American politician who served as a Republican U.S. Senator from the state of Wisconsin from 1947 until his death in 1957. Beginning in 1950, McCarthy became the most visible public face of a period in which Cold War tensions fueled fears of widespread Communist subversion. He was noted for making claims that there were large numbers of Communists and Soviet spies and sympathizers inside the United States federal government and elsewhere. Ultimately, his tactics and inability to substantiate his claims led him to be censured by the United States Senate. ↩