- Nervous? – Wicked Wednesday #87
- Decisions? They Are Mine!
- The First Time Serafina Was Shared
- Balancing Pain And Pleasure
- I got a prayer with a girl . . .
- Hidden Problems
- Communicate and Educate
- Alone Together Again
- Energy Antennae
- “S” is for Safe Sex
- My Leather Family Comes Full Circle
- There Once Was a Chance I Didn’t Take
- Beyond Considering Sinnja
- Slippery Slopes and Trigger Warnings
- Jealousy – the Green Eyed Monster
- YKINMK – Your Kink Is Not My Kink (and that’s ok)
- Charlotte! (Rhymes with Harlot)
- What Do You Doubt?
- If Orange is the New Black Then Black is the New White
- Sending Smoke Signals
- The difficult truth!
You can be the moon and still be jealous of the stars.
~ Gary Allan
Jealousy . . .
It’s one of the most difficult emotions that we have to deal with in our journey as human beings.
Why? Because jealousy, at it’s worst, means you are unhappy because someone (or something) other than yourself is making someone you love happy. Jealousy as an emotion doesn’t feel good for anyone involved.
When I’m happy, I hope and wish for my friends, family, my love and my beloved[ 2. I refer to Sinnja as “my love” and Serafina as “my beloved”. Just because they are submissive to me doesn’t make them any less cherished and loved!] to be happy for me. But, that doesn’t always happen.
Sometimes my happiness can difficult for friends/family/love/beloved because my happiness might mean less for them. Less of what you ask?
It might mean less time together. Perhaps it means my attention will be more likely to be divided. The way I do poly it won’t mean that I’ll be absent more of the time, but that is often also the case for folks who are polyamorous. The addition of a new lover often also means the spouse with the new relationship will be physically present less for their existing partners.
There are only so many hours in the day, and the commitments I make to others usually mean less time for someone already in my life. If there’s a way around that, I’d like to know, because it seems inescapable, at least to a point.
Michael + Serafina + Sinnja
Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies.
~ Elizabeth Bowen
Serafina and I are poly, meaning we don’t confine our love to just each other. We love Sinnja, the wonderful submissive lady who wears our collar, but the fact that she is in our lives does change the relationship between Serafina and myself. In some of our past attempts at forming a triad, Serafina clearly felt as though she were missing out. No matter how I tried to reassure her, she always seemed to feel as though my new relationship meant a loss for her.
Thankfully, that’s no so much the case with Sinnja. The two ladies in my life adore each other. From Serafina’s perspective, our time together with Sinnja doesn’t mean just the loss of some of my one-on-one attention. Instead it means she gets to be with her friend and playmate Sinnja.
When I’m with both Serafina and Sinnja, for instance, it may be more difficult for me to give either one of them my undivided attention. They not only love me, but they love each other very much, so to my mind no one has lost. It may not be exactly the same as one-on-one time with me, but it’s not just a loss for Serafina either.
That’s how I do poly different. I’m not solely Sinnja’s Master, she belongs to Serafina too. My slave/wife has her own relationship with Sinnja. They are friends, confidants, and yes they are lovers too. But, that’s perhaps less the focus in their relationship with each other than in their relationships with me.
That’s OK, not two relationships are exactly the same. And, in a triad there are actually at least four relationships happening all at once.
Michael + Serafina | Michael + Sinnja | Serafina + Sinnja | Michael + Serafina + Sinnja
Now let’s be honest, relationships are not always easy things. Right now something around 50% of all marriages end in divorce, at least that was one of the most recent statistics I’ve heard for the United States.
So, we’ve taken a simple Michael + Serafina relationship and added three more to the mix. It’s a great prescription for everyone to have all their needs fulfilled, perhaps in ways that aren’t possible for a traditional couple. But, it’s also a prescription for lots of potential trouble.
I’m very optimistic that this time is THE right time for our triad. I see so much potential in our current relationship. To my eyes, the future is so bright it’s darn near blinding!
Well, that’s the case as long as we avoid . . . jealousy!
jealousy = insecurity
Jealousy is the fear of comparison.
~ Max Frisch
In the end, most feelings of jealousy are based in insecurity. When we feel secure in ourselves and in our relationships, jealousy is rarely a problem.
For instance, my friend Cherub asked me not that long ago how it was that I wasn’t jealous of the relationship between Alpha and Serafina. The affection they feel for each other is more than obvious in the pictures I’ve posted of them playing. How is it that I’m not jealous?
If I didn’t feel secure in the love Serafina has for me, no doubt it would be easy to feel threatened and/or insecure. That’s where jealousy begins. But I know where Serafina’s heart lies. No matter how much fun she has with Alpha, she also knows where to find “home”.
As they say, home is where the heart lies. And, no matter how much affection she feels for my best male friend, her heart is here. I know that, I feel it in my bones. That is entirely what allows me to feel good in not only allowing, but actively encouraging Serafina to play with others.
I’d also be the first to admit that I’ve not always been so “generous”. In my prior relationship with Blissful Torment I struggled much more with poly. It wasn’t that I loved her any less than I love Serafina, it was entirely that I didn’t feel her love the same way. She didn’t give unconditional love very well, and that played on preexisting insecurities I had going into the relationship.
So for me, jealousy is almost entirely based in my own personal insecurities.
jealousy the opposite of compersion
The jealous are possessed by a mad devil and a dull spirit at the same time.
~ Johann Kaspar Lavater
I’m very fortunate these days. I feel self assured enough not to feel jealousy, but instead to feel “compersion” for Serafina when she plays with others.
If you aren’t familiar with the word compersion, it’s definition is relatively simple. According to the Urban Dictionary, compersion is “A feeling of joy when a loved one invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.”
Compersion is a wonderful emotion to feel. It’s said to be the opposite of jealousy. I can say with at least some certainty that compersion feels like the opposite of the green eyed monster.
Why then is it so hard to feel compersion and so easy to feel jealousy?
I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but the key to compersion in my eyes is building solid relationships. And, we all know that can be hard work, very hard work.
But, I have to say, in the end, the hard work of building a solid mature poly relationship is unbelievably rewarding. Just don’t think there are shortcuts, there are not. Jealousy can happen overnight, yet compersion takes real time to build. One false step along this road can be fateful and fatal to an existing relationship.
In the end, the big key is to avoid the green eyed monster, all too often the toll it charges is too large for a relationship to bear.
Jealousy – the Green Eyed Monster
Is she fine
So well bred
The perfect girl
A social deb
Is she the sort
You’ve always thought
Could make you
What you’re not?
Is she bright so well read are there novels by her bed
Is she the sort
You’ve always said
Ooo, my jealousy
Does she talk
The way I do
Is her voice reminding you
Of the promises
The little white lies too
Sometimes, tell me
While she’s touching you
Just by mistake
Accidentally do you say my name?
~ Natalie Merchant – Jealousy