a flawed follower
Years ago, in my mid 20’s, I was asking far too many questions to remain a compliant member of a stoic fundamental church, even though I was a leader in many functions. I watched a prominent self-declared leader turn first red, followed by purple rage, and sputter when I finally challenged him that perhaps Christ and not he that saved people. From there I became a more firm seeker for truth, and slid into more lustrous and seeming advanced philosophical groups. And, soon found that while they certainly were not lacking in zeal and passion, their beliefs were built on the same shaky principles they had left. They regrouped into a menagerie of mixed beliefs that often was made up along the way, and each seemed to tower over the rest.
It has been a long, sometimes arduous, sometimes lonely journey, wrought with questions and wondering. Organized religions has become a distant memory for me, but I have never lose sight of the spiritual. In fact, it has become stronger, and, I am convinced of my convictions. Well, mostly – I do know more of what I think and why – and sometimes resist breaking away layers of what seems like truth, when examined have nothing solid at the core.
deer in the head lights!
At times I have been halted and stunned, while in the midst of some conversation, to have someone say to me or question whether at heart I am a submissive slave. I already know I am flawed submissive slave! But really! Such statements have in the past, arrested me and I likely looked like a deer caught in the headlights. It happens any time when some questions my validity or integrity. And, I am not sure of how to answer accusations like that.
Not that I have never been satisfied with conventional answers. I always have a deep need to understand more than accepted answers to life and questioning the validity of those rote truths. It often gets me in trouble. As a Christian one is taught all the rules are to be obeyed without question. In fact one of the primary rules is to obey your elders and not question them – just accept and comply. Politics likes that arrangement, because organized religious folks are the easiest to convince that they need to sacrifice for the greater good, and are most easily swayed to control the masses.
journey of destiny
In many ways submission and slavery is an extension of, and a furthering in, my spiritual journey. For me submission and slavery is more than a fantasy, it is a reality. As such there are times where I forget who I want to be and keep pushing at boundaries, or forget to act in a way that honors my Master. It is not done out of rebellion – it is more of forgetting who and whose I am. I constantly need reminders. I constantly need a compass to refer to.
Many feel that I am undertaking this journey into slavery purely out of love and commitment to my Master. As if that is such a bad motive! Of course that is the case! If it were not for Master Michael, I would never have considered this level of relationship, except he was so committed to me. That spoke very strongly to me. So, I was, and am compelled, like a moth to a flame!
I am not that unlike a person who boldly undertakes a wilderness journey. After some time and a few unplanned miss-haps people sometimes lose their bearings. They choose their journey, of course. However they cannot anticipate every turn and challenge. There might even be moments when there are doubts and regrets for making certain choices, but they did indeed choose the destination. They want to be on that journey, and are not always sure about the destination, or the challenges that face them.
Slavery, and submission, is a choice and a journey. I am far from having arrived. I am still going to make wrong turns, and I will get tired. And sometime I may even despair. In the end though, I am determined to continue my journey to learn and discover truth. It takes faith and trust.
Faith and trust take years and years and layers to build. Everyone has the capacity, but not everyone has the tenacity. I am not always sure I have what it takes. I fail a lot. Sometimes I feel like giving up. But, soon I am compelled to get up, retrace where things went wrong and endeavor to keep going, keep searching, keep growing in trust. Every time I get to a small rise I can see where I have come from – and it makes me feel pretty good. Kind of accomplished! But soon there is a test and I see how much further I still have left.
So, doing something out of love is good, and it alone would be reason enough, but I choose this journey from a deep conviction. And in the end submissive slavery is a journey not a destination. So is Mastery. Life is a series of learning, making errors, and trials that follow. The trick is not to give up on yourself, and stay strong so others can follow. Most important is to recognize that I am a flawed submissive slave, but keep on anyways!
This updated revision was initially posted at Spiritual BDSM.