- Blogging from A to Z Challenge
- “A” is for Acousticophile
- “B” is for Bastinado
- “C” is for Cuckold
- “D” is for Dacryphilia
- “E” is for Edging and Orgasm Control
- “F” is for Frottage
- “G” is for Gang Bangs and Group Sex
- “H” is for Hotel
- “I” is for Inspiration and Influences
- “J” is for the Joy of Kink
- “K” is for Klismaphilia
- “L” is for Limits
- “M” is for Masochist
- “N” is for No Surprises
- “O” is for Outlaw No More
- “P” is for Public Apology
- “Q” is for Queer
- “R” is for Romance
- “S” is for Samadhi – Michael Samadhi
- “T” is for Trust
- “U” is for Unction
- “V” is for Victory
- “X” is for Xenophilia
- “Y” is for Yesterday
- “Z” is for Zelophilia
noun \ˈau̇t-ˌlȯ\: a person who has broken the law and who is hiding or running away to avoid punishment
I used to tell my friends that inside the BDSM community, “We are all sexual outlaws.”
I always felt we were at least twenty years behind gays in our own battle for acceptance. That was back in the early 1990’s, something like twenty years ago.
Upon reflection, I realized that those two time spans are identical. With twenty years gone by since my statements, it seems like a good opportunity to take a look at where we’ve been, and where we’ve yet to go, as well as a few signposts along the way..
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I remember the first time I saw a beautiful girl/girl seduction scene in the theater. The movie was The Hunger, starring David Bowie, Catherine Deneuve, and Susan Sarandon. It certainly wasn’t the first girl-girl tryst ever brought to the theater, but it certainly was the first to catch my attention.
I also remember having friends over to visit to see the film, with my first wife and I, in my home when it was released on videodisc. They were a nice couple, I’d gone to school with the guy, and they had gotten married not long after my first wedding. I’ll certainly never forget the reaction my friend’s wife had to the seduction and love scene between Deneuve and Sarandon. Candy blushed, and stammered, and then rushed out of the room, saying she felt ill.
I wasn’t yet adept at reading people, yet I knew in my heart that Candy didn’t have the flu. She just didn’t know how to respond to the effect the scene had on her mind and body. Candy was obviously both turned on and embarrassed.
A few years later, after both couples had divorced, Candy and my ex had a tryst together. Neither lady ended up identifying as gay, and the tryst never turned into a relationship, but, I’ve since heard both ladies talk in a longing way about the one sexy afternoon they shared. That was the circa 1984, and neither lady was willing to accept the social stigma that went along with being openly bisexual or gay. They both continue to identify as heterosexual to this day.
I remember the first openly gay kiss on television here in the U.S.A., it was a really big fucking deal. That was 1991, the show was LA Law. Abby Perkins (role played by Michele Greene) and C.J. Lamb (role played by Amanda Donohoe) kissed in the fateful episode after Abby got a raise. The scene was talked about endlessly on the early morning television news. It was talked about endlessly on the late night TV talk show circuit too. There was no escaping it. Advertisers threatened to pull their ads and boycott the show. Like I said, it was a really big fucking deal.
My second wife, married from 1993 until 2007, was openly bi-sexual, well open to everyone but her only family. She was younger, part of a newer generation that was a little more open and accepting of alternative sexuality. We experimented with polyamory and triad relationships throughout the 1990’s, until we met Serafina in 2002. “She was THE one,” I was told. I believed her. I knew that living as an open triad would make us sexual outlaws, I didn’t really care, and we moved forward with plans to form a family as a trio.
Oh, I should add that ex-wife number two is not openly bisexual anymore. When she finally “came out” to her mom as being bisexual in 2005, her Mom freaked out. While her family had always been very accepting of gays, that acceptance ended when it was a member of their own family. “Where have I gone wrong,” her Mother wailed. Suddenly, Bliss was no longer bi, and she was no longer interested in being part of a triad. For some folks, sexual identity isn’t as important as social identity, still to this day.
Here in 2014, outside of some circles in the religious right (who are neither religious nor are they right) homosexuality is quite widely accepted. A number of states are finally allowing gay marriage to occur, and gays have won great protections against discrimination in the workplace and housing as well. It’s the dawn of a new era, as long as a person is bold enough to deal with disappointment of family and friends.
Obviously, there’s less social stigma with being gay today than there was back in 1984, but there is still stigma, and not everyone’s bold enough to challenge what remains. We’ve come a long way as a society, but there’s still a ways to go.
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I also remember the first BDSM I saw in a theater. Well it wasn’t billed as BDSM, it wasn’t billed as anything, but it was erotic bondage in a theater, and it was flat out fucking hot. The movie was Cat People, and the plot revolved around Irena Gallier (played by Natassia Kinski) who was cursed to turn into a panther when she made love to a man. Near the end of the movie, she’s bound to a bed, stripped, and made love to by Oliver Yates (played by John Heard). Because of the bondage, Oliver is safe from being devoured by the panther Irena morphs into at the culmination of their lovemaking.
It wasn’t too long after that, that the book The 9 1/2 Weeks appeared. For folks not old enough to remember, it should be noted that 9 1/2 Weeks was essentially my generation’s 50 Shades of Grey, a story of dominance and submission that achieved more than a little mainstream popularity. I don’t want to mislead anyone, 9 1/2 Weeks only achieved a fraction of the success found by 50 Shades, still it was my generation’s BDSM signpost.
Mickey Rourke may be a washed up B-Actor these days, but that wasn’t the case when he was picked to play the role of John in the movie adaptation of the book. Sparks really did seem to fly between his character and Elizabeth (played by Kim Basinger) in the film. Unfortunately, neither the book, nor the movie, ended well. The author and screenwriter’s conclusions seems to be that relationships involving Dominance and submission was inherently destructive and unsustainable. Hot sex, bad ending. That was 1986.
I see depictions of BDSM in the media all the time today. House of Cards, the Netflix phenomena, included at least one gratuitous BDSM scene including bondage and breath play to start an episode in the show’s first season. The seemingly ubiquitous 50 Shades of Grey is being turned into a big budget film as we speak.
Yet, I don’t see the progress for our community that I see for gays.
It’s no longer illegal to be gay. It’s still illegal for me to spank my wife. A man no longer has to risk his home and livelihood to suck another man’s cock, but he’s still risking everything if he wants to tie his partner up and slap the cock (and or partner) around a little before he sucks it.
Kink is more common and more accepted in our society than ever before, yet we are still criminalized. When a reckless and misguided individual that was a part of the BDSM community began outing people, it was an offense worthy of being banned from the club. Then, the club’s monthly play party had to be moved, for fear that the banned person would complain to law enforcement about an illegal BDSM part occurring. Some people may have left the club for fear of being outed themselves.
That’s where we are at in 2014. It’s really fucking sad, if you ask me. While the gay community is largely accepted, most kinksters remain as sexual outlaws. Some of us like it like that, being an outlaw is what attracted those individuals in the first place, they have no vested interest in progress, they like it this way. Being an outlaw makes them feel dangerous, and that’s appealing to some.
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I like being dangerous, no doubt about that. But, at age 50, I’m a little bit tired of being an outlaw.
Professional football players are dangerous, but they don’t have to hide their games. Boxers often face lifetime impairments from their choice of sport from being pummeled as a part of a sports exhibition, yet I’m not legally allowed to bruise my wife as a part of our sex play.
I understand why progress hasn’t been made to change the legality of our passions in the kink community. Some of that involves domestic violence issues. No one wants to have a woman’s batterer say the abuse was consensual. And, some of it involves our community’s collective desire to be outlaws.
Seriously though folks, it’s time to grow up. It’s time for our community to grow up. It’s time to stop living in fear and shame. It’s time to own our kink, and own it with pride.
I don’t want to have to hide my play parties anymore, and I don’t want to hide my kink either. I have a St Andrew’s cross and a dungeon bed in my living room, and I no longer care who knows it!
I have a choice between two local BDSM groups, one is secretive about even their munches, the other openly posts public events like munches at FetLife. For the last year, I’ve been a member of both groups. I’ve decided though, that I will no longer support groups who wish to “live in shame”. If you can’t even say at FetLife where your munch is going to be held, don’t bother to invite me. I’m tired of so many in our community living in shame, and I’ve decided to no longer support a group who acts as though there’s shame in living our lifestyle. I’m not going to live in fear, nor will I support those who do.
I’m proud of who I am, and I’m tired of living as though I had something to hide. I’m no more ashamed of the fact that I like to bruise butts, than I am of the fact that I used to belong to MENSA. Sure I was an egghead before I became a sex geek, but both are a part of who I am, and I’m not going to live in denial anymore.
Who’s with me?
I’m here, I’m kinky not queer, get used to it!