I recall one day at the special spot we like to call the Kinky Cabin.
A day sunny, and just right. Master and I were waiting for Sir Alpha’s arrival.
I was tied to a bed inside naked and hands tied overhead and feet above, while Master lit a cigar, after it was wetted by my pussy and was out on the deck smoking while he scanned the edge of the woods for Sir.
Before long I heard voices as he arrived and he was delighted to see his quarry on display for him.
They finished smoking and released me only to then apply breath strips to my clit and restrained on top of a picnic table. for some time until there was a possibility for sunburn.
I was just released and sitting upright when the ranger showed up asking if we needed any more wood.
Otherwise there might have been some “splainin” to do!
I mean, my life and my kink are inseparable. But I don’t know that anyone would ever ask – What are your views on the ethics of living? So it seems rather strange to have the question addressed the way it is worded.
I’m guessing it’s meant to be a thoughtful question, where people can defend their kink, show themselves to be ethical in their own practice of kink. Perhaps it was meant to forward a discussion of safe words and of community mottos like Safe Sane and Consensual.
Perhaps such a discussion is necessary. It does seem that the default belief in the “vanilla” world could be that kinksters, not to mention polyamorists, are inherently unethical.
I mean we beat our spouses, or at least give the appearance that is happening. After I came out to my mother as a kinkster, she forever struggled with the fact that someone might enjoy being hit with a riding crop.
“How demeaning that must be, to be hit with a device intended for use on a horse!” is what she said to me. I think she would have been blown away to learn that most folks who purchase riding crops aren’t actually equestrian enthusiasts.
For her to have considered that the sensation might actually be pleasurable to some people would really have screwed with her world outlook. People really can’t enjoy pain, can they?
Many kinksters play with, and love, individuals who aren’t our spouses. To the vanilla world that forever brings to mind visions of cheating. Yet how can it be “cheating” when it’s done with our partners knowledge and consent, not to mention the fact that our spouses may also be involved with the same individual, or perhaps another.
To their eyes, it’s just mind boggling that anything of that sort could occur. We must not value our partners, or our marriages, if we are doing such things. Right?
Well that may not be universal. I’m sure there are kinksters who don’t value their souses any more than some vanilla folks who treat their own partners with disdain.
We may be “different” in the BDSM and kink community, but we aren’t that different. We are pretty much the same as the rest of the folks in the world. In many ways the BDSM community is a microcosm of the rest of the world.
Our ethics may be a little different than the way the “game of life” is played in the vanilla world, but most of us in the BDSM and kink communities have highly evolved ethics. If we didn’t, we might look like the rest of the world assumes we must be, lawless hedonists who care only for our own pleasures. Most folks reading this know that’s simply not true.
yes, kinksters have ethics!
I’d like to view myself as highly ethical in my practice of kink, BDSM, polyamory, and tantra.
Who wouldn’t want to see themselves in that light?
I know some folks could never see a sadistic polyamorist as being ethical. I’m sorry, but that’s there loss instead of mine. It’s hard to overcome the default assumption that loving more than one person makes me somehow less ethical than a monogamist. It’s hard to overcome the assumption that a person who likes to strike and bruise others is also practicing that art within ethical boundaries.
Yet, that’s exactly what I do.
And, I am not alone. While I consider myself to be highly ethical, I’m sure that’s also the case for the majority of the BDSM and kink communities too.
Yes, I’m aware that some professions have continuing education for ethics, but beyond that, I think our lifestyle is unique. How many people can say, that as a regular part of their lifestyle, they attend classes and discussions on ethics?
I think that’s the default for most of the kink community.
Yes, like any other community we have our problems, our own ethically challenged community members. Like I said earlier, I believe the kink community is a microcosm of the rest of the world. We are really no different, except that we enjoy sex the way some enthusiasts enjoy model trains. The way they might think about the perfect “layout” we think about the perfect scene. it’s not really so different.
Except we spend an inordinate amount of time discussing ethics in the world of kink. Ethics are discussed at munches and in discussion groups. Ethics are discussed at outings, retreats, trysts, carnivals, and every other imaginable gathering under the sun.
We have ethics. And we want the world to know it too! As I’ve mentioned before, that’s why we have mottoes like Safe, Sane, and Consensual, and Risk Aware Kink. They really aren’t so much competing philosophies, as they are competing slogans, designed to show the world that despite having unusual hobbies and predilections, we are not the bogey men and bogey women of modern day life. There’s no need to call out the townspeople, nothing even remotely edgy going on over here.
But, for some of us, being on the edge is what we seek. Safe Sane and Consensual just sounds like a warm fuzzy to us, we want dangerous, edgy and barely tolerable. We want to challenge preconceived notions, and preconceived limits.
We want to taste the world before it tastes us.
Yet, we want to do it all ethically. That’s what makes our passions different. That is what makes us, despite the differences in our sex lives, a microcosm of society at large, and not as some would believe about us, a microcosm of the local correctional facility.
What are your views on the ethics of kink?
Yes, we have ethics. Sometimes they are a bit difficult. It usually helps to know the hows and whys.
But don’t worry, if you mess up, someone will correct you. Yes, our community is truly a microcosm of society these days. We have our know-it-alls, our rules junkies, our mother hens. If you aren’t playing safe, a dungeon monitor may very well let you know.
Whether that particular “advancement” progress or not, nobody can accuse our community of lacking ethics.
ethics can be like putting together pieces of a puzzle
OK, maybe that’s really YKIOKIJNMK, or perhaps even TKINMKBTOK.
In case you don’t already know, or the post’s title didn’t give it away, YKINMK is an acronym for Your Kink Is Not My Kink.
All the rest of the alternative acronyms are just variations on a theme.
For instance, YKINMKBYKIOK then abbreviates Your Kink Is Not My Kink But Your Kink Is OK.
The other two you can figure for yourself. (Alternately, you can use the illustration that Marie Rebel, the lovely hostess/owner/beauty/brains behind Wicked Wednesday has so thoughtfully provided to accompany this week’s prompt – see below)
They are really all designed to provide the same message for the Kink/BDSM community. That is, in the end, a message of tolerance.
we are all outlaws
The reason tolerance is so very important is the fact that within the kink community, and especially within the BDSM community, we are all outside the sexual mainstream. It could be, quite accurately, said that we are all outlaws.
Although it wasn’t the main point of the essay, I touched on this in a recent post here at the Joy of Kink, “O” is for Outlaw No More.
It’s no longer illegal to be gay. It’s still illegal for me to spank my wife. A man no longer has to risk his home and livelihood to suck another man’s cock, but he’s still risking everything if he wants to tie his partner up and slap the cock (and or partner) around a little before he sucks it.
Kink is more common and more accepted in our society than ever before, yet we are still criminalized. When a reckless and misguided individual that was a part of the BDSM community began outing people, it was an offense worthy of being banned from the club.
Because we are all outlaws. Because some of our actives are at best questionable under the law, and at worst outright illegal, we all have a vested interest in tolerance. Your kink may not be my kink, but your kink is ok because we all have to be tolerant, lest the entire community dissolve into a battleground of criminal charges against most every participant.
what about YKINMYAYKIPFU?
Of course the message isn’t universal. YKINMYAYKIPFU does exist.
There’s a lot of debate going on at Fetlife right now about freedom of speech. The debate was sparked in light of the decision to place stronger limits on what cannot be posted and discussed at this site. This decision was taken after Fetlife lost their credit card processor, a result of hosting discussions on some subjects that are taboo.
One vocal group in the debate has been the coprophiliacs. They resent being lumped together with the pedophiles, zoophilics, and incest fetishists. I’ve also read a few rumblings from the zoosexual folk that they resent being lumped together with the pedophiles too. The incest lovers don’t really want to be associated with pedophiles either, at least that’s my understanding. Apparently being a pedophile is like farting in church – nobody wants to sit next to you!
Every one of those mentioned activities – coprophilia, zoophilia, pedophilia, and incest fetishism – is on the average BDSMer’s list of hard limits. Yet, each group had vocal adherents in the FetLife debate.
My point is that the philosophy of “Your Kink Is Not My Kink (and that’s ok)” runs into it’s biggest snags the more extreme the fetish becomes, not to mention the more it falls outside of “mainstream” thinking for the BDSM community. That’s because somebody somewhere is going to find one of your personal hard limits to be their greatest turn-on in the world. Does the philosophy of Your Kink Is Not My Kink (and that’s ok) apply to children, pets, shit, and relatives too?
lines drawn in the sand?
It seems that Your Kink Is Not My Kink (and that’s ok) works fine up to a point, but then there are lines drawn in the sand. Those lines are drawn based on what is considered to be “beyond the beyond” for the person drawing the line. I might allow in the zoophiliacs and the incest fetishists but segregate the coprophiles and pedophiles. You might draw the lines differently.
So, perhaps to be most accurate, YKINMK should perhaps be changed to YKINMKATOKUYKIJS – Your Kink Is Not My Kink And That’s OK Unless Your Kink Is Just Sick.
Dang, like debates about censorship, we are now on a slippery slope. Where do we draw the lines? How do I define some activities as “just sick”, but not others, when mainstream society considers most of what I do to be “just sick”.
Is it like the infamous quote by Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart, who quipped – “I know it when I see it” – referring to obscenity and hard core pornography?
Who gets to say where that line is drawn?
Certainly, there are cultures where sex with minors is considered acceptable. Some cultures have ritualized the act. Should they get a pass on the pedophilia restriction if it’s a part of an existing New Guinean religion just as some Rastafarian’s argue that they should be given an exception to the law for smoking their sacrament, which is the illegal drug cannabis?
YKINMK – Your Kink Is Not My Kink (and that’s ok)
It’s easy to preach tolerance, it’s much harder to practice. And the lines can get pretty blurry. If somebody else wants to hurl shit at their sex partner, it’s no skin off my nose.
Just don’t do it in my home and we’ll all be fine. You don’t need to offend my nose while practicing your kink.
Touch a friend’s underage daughter, and that’s a different story, at least for me. I’m tolerant, but there are limits!
Where do yours lie?
Your Kink Is Not My Kink (and that’s ok up to a point)
I feel any ethics are shaped by people who come from their various and diverse backgrounds and their sensibilities of right and wrong.
Kink is as ethical as the people who are in Kink. Of course I adhere to the basics of trust, honor and respect. everything else is negotiable.
It might also be said anything goes as long as there is no real or perceived harm to me or others. Playing with another who is married is not a problem, for example if the other spouse is aware of and allows or at least tolerates the activities.
I am sure one could present a long list of do’s and don’ts, but each of them is going to be subjected to that basic standard of trust, honor and respect, before they can be a consideration or abandoned
Dignity and pride in being who I am, as well as my personal integrity.
We came into this world naked, many of us will go out the same way. Wallets and ID’s can be forgotten, as can all possessions. Clothes can be stripped away. In the end, all possessions can be stripped, through divorce of legal proceedings.
But, there’s one thing I’ve certainly learned from my Serafina. That is, to carry that dignity and pride in who I am with me at all times as a part of my personal integrity. Knowing that I truly am on on the path to who I wish to be is priceless. I may always be a “work in progress”, but this “work” is a pretty good one already.
It costs me nothing, yet it’s rewards are many.
That dignity and pride in her role is part of what makes Serafina special as a slave. Her obvious positive attitude about what she does and how she serves, her extreme personal integrity, are an obvious core of who Serafina is, as a person and as a submissive.
I’d like to think a similar measure of integrity, dignity, and pride are part of what makes me special as a dominant a well.
2. Is there anyone on your mind at the moment? Who? Why?
Serafina is always on my mind.
Sinnja is also always on my mind.
Serafina is asleep in my bed as I write this. Sinnja is something on the order of eighty miles away until at least Thursday.
So, they are on my mind in different ways, yet I rarely do anything without thinking of them both. Because of the sort of intimate triad that we share, most every decision I make will impact the both of them in some way, just as the decisions and choices they make will impact me.
3. If you were to be remembered for one thing, what would it be?
I’d like to be remembered for my integrity.
I’d like to be remembered for the dignity and pride with which I carry myself.
I’d like to be remembered for the love I’ve shown, and the love I’ve inspired.
There are many other things that are commonly used to measure a man, however the traits I’ve listed are really the only ones that really matter to me.
4. Tell us something new that you learned in the last month?
Sciatica pain is a real bitch!
It’s changed my life dramatically in ways I’m not enjoying.
It’s the reason I’m awake at 3:30 AM writing, because atleast writing answers to TMI Tuesday can take my mind off the pain.
I’ve been walking between two and five miles a day with the decent weather we’ve been having the last few weeks. Walking is the only time my back feels remotely tolerable.
5. What are you pretending not to know? Why?
If I told you then I wouldn’t be pretending any longer – would I?
Actually, I do have a question or two for Sinnja. But, they are things I need to ask her in person, so disclosing any questions here would be counterproductive.
6. Are you happy with other people’s perception of you?
Yes, overall I am quite happy with how I am perceived. Of course there are exceptions.
I think some folks in the local community think I’m aloof.
I’m actually far more shy than aloof, but that’s sometimes hard for people to see and understand.
7. Are you generally focused on today or tomorrow?
Tomorrow may never come. For some people alive today, that’s literally true. At best, we are all temporarily able bodied, we never know if injury or human frailty will lay us low.
So I focus on today.
Bonus: How do you eat Oreos? Which method best matches your Oreo cookie eating style? a. Pick it up, bite into it. b. Twist it open, eat each half separately c. Twist it open, eat the frosting, then eat each chocolate cookie half separately.
A- I pick it up and eat the Oreo the same as any other cookie.
Boring . . . . I know.
But that’s me in a nutshell, boring and aloof. Unless, that is, you really know me.
Then it’s a different story!
TMI Tuesday: June 17, 2014 – Some things to think about
Keep me rather in this cage, and feed me sparingly, if you dare. Anything that brings me closer to illness and the edge of death makes me more faithful. It is only when you make me suffer that I feel safe and secure. You should never have agreed to be a god for me if you were afraid to assume the duties of a god, and we know that they are not as tender as all that. You have already seen me cry. Now you must learn to relish my tears.