Blogging from A to Z Challenge

Joining in on a April 2014 Blogging Meme

This entry is part 1 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

Prior to now, all of the Internet memes we participate in have been exclusive to sex bloggers. Scavenger Hunt, Sinful Sunday, Kink of the Week, and Wicked Wednesday are the prime examples, but that list would also include the past Feb Photo Fest, Boobies & Bondage Across America, Boobday, and TMI Tuesday, among others.

For the month of April, we’ll be joining in on a little bit different meme, Blogging from A to Z Challenge.  The concept is pretty simple, there are 26 letters of the alphabet, and 26 days in April without counting Sundays (which are Sinful anyway!)  Here’s the background of the concept, for those who are interested:

Blogging from A to Z Challenge    It all began with my post from Saturday March 27, 2010 when I set forth a challenge to all bloggers for the month of April.   Can you post every day except Sundays during this month?  And to up the bar, can you blog thematically from A to Z?

Most of the time if you subtract Sundays from April, you then have 26 days–one day for each letter of the alphabet.  When April 1st lands on a Sunday you begin on that day which will be the only Sunday you would post during that month’s challenge.

Using this premise, you would start beginning April First with a topic themed on something with the letterA, then on April second another topic with the letter B as the theme, and so on until you finish on April thirtieth with the theme based on the letter Z.  It doesn’t even have to be a word–it can be a proper noun, the letter used as a symbol, or the letter itself.  The theme of the day is the letter scheduled for that day.

Most of you are probably familiar with Sue Grafton and her best selling series of detective novels known as the “Alphabet Series” that started in 1982 with “A” Is For Alibi up to her most recent “V” Is For Vengeance“.   She has made a franchise with the series and there have been  other authors who have taken similar approaches.  This Blogging From A to Z Challenge will be in the same vein.

A2Z-BADGE-0002014-small_zps8300775cI can’t take credit for finding this meme, proper acknowledgement of my sources will require a nod to alluring Catherine “Sassy Cat” Martinique and her You Won’t Tame This Sassy Cat blog.  I was there commenting on this week’s Wicked Wednesday post, when I saw a banner in her sidebar about the A to Z Challenge.  I knew almost immediately that Serafina and I would need to participate.

If you are a fellow sex blogger and you’d like to join in on the fun, make sure to register with the symbol “(AC) ” at the end of your blog’s title, it’s one of the contest’s few stringent rules.  We are participant number 1652.  While I was writing this post another participant added their name to the list.

So, there are lots of folks taking part, and there’s still at least a little time left to to register.   There are some nice banners to go along with the challenge, as well as a calendar to make coordinating posts that begin with the proper letter very easy.

atoz [2014] - BANNER - 910

Blogging from A to Z Challenge Calendar
APRIL-CALENDAR [2014] - updated

“A” is for Acousticophile

"A" - the Joy of Kink from "A" to "Z"

This entry is part 2 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

Do you enjoy heavy breathing, screaming, panting, groaning, moaning, or any of the other sounds and love cries many people make during sex?

Maybe you associate certain sounds (or music) with arousal and sexual excitement?

If you do (and I honestly think there’s a little bit of this in most all of us) than you just might be an acousticophile.

Simply said, an acousticophile is a person who is aroused by sounds.  Acousticophilia is said to be an uncommon form of sexual paraphilia, yet I see a little bit of it everywhere.

The sound that causes your excitement can be most anything, from a specific type of music to the sound of a thunderstorm, or perhaps a babbling brook.

Maybe hearing spoken love poems makes you wet,  or it could be that the sound of verbal abuse gets everything all revved up.  Perhaps it’s your lover giving you directions, or barking commands, that trips your triggers.  It might even be a particular accent, or a special foreign language.

It doesn’t really matter what noise it actually is that makes you swoon, if there are sounds that make you aroused, then you have at least a mild form of acousticophilia.

The sounds of lovemaking stimulate both partners during lovemaking, they can be as effective as the spoken word at communicating pleasure. I do feel a very primal response when I hear coos and moans from my Serafina.  And, it should be noted that I’m not alone, the sound of a woman having sex is an almost certain attractant to the average heterosexual male.  

And, that response really does seem to indicate that there’s a bit of an acousticophile in all of us.  In fact, it’s the belief of some scientists, that the male human animal is hard-wired for the response to a female’s love cries.  So, it’s no great surprise that the highly adaptive human mind finds other noises to be attractive too.

Whether it’s the sound of love cries, music, or the sound of commands barked like a drill sergeant, there’s no doubt that a wide array of noises is a very real part of exploring the joy of kink.

“A” is for Acousticophile


“B” is for Bastinado

"B" - the Joy of Kink from "A" to "Z"

This entry is part 3 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

As I continue the Blogging from “A” to “Z” Challenge, I do want to provide some balance in my look at the joys of kink from “A” to “Z”.  Yesterday’s topic was a “soft” topic.

Acousticophilia isn’t particularly edgy.  I don’t believe a discussion centered on the acousticophile in all of us will cause any potential distress for readers.

Right up front, I should say that’s not necessarily true for today’s topic.  Bastinado is a very real form of punishment and torture, and I don’t just mean in the BDSM dungeon.

As with many things BDSM, bastinado has it’s roots in the real world.  And, there’s no denying that it’s a particularly cruel form of torture when used with malice.

Our bodies were built to move around on our feet, so foot pain is particularly inescapable for prisoners forced into continual barefoot locomotion.  Bastinado is the “energizer bunny of torture” under those circumstances    – it keeps going and going and going . . .

It could be said that our feet are a particularly sensitive issue for many of us anyway, even without the mention of foot torture.  Anyone who has suffered foot pain knows that the sensitivity is literally true, our feet are particularly prone to the kind of pain even masochists don’t enjoy.  

Foot pain is a part of human existence it seems, second only to back pain in common maladies reported to doctors.  And bastinado is very much designed to make that problem worse.

bastinado then and now

Bastinado is a form of corporal punishment where the soles of a person’s bare feet are beaten again and again with an implement.  The actual blows are usually delivered with an tool such as a cane, rod, riding crop, truncheon, leather strap(s), rubber strap or bat, or electric cord.

The documented history of bastinado goes back more than 1000 years, and it’s been employed by repressive regimes like the Nazi’s and the Khmer Rouge.  Wikipedia’s entry on the topic of Foot Whipping will serve as a convenient short introduction to bastinado as punishment and torture:

It is also referred to as foot/feet caning, sole caning, sole beating or foot bottom caning. The particular Mid East method is called falaka, also spelled falaqa, falanga or phalanga. German terms are Bastonade and in former centuries Sohlenstreich (sole-striking), also colloquially paraphrased with Schläge/Hiebe/”fünfzig” auf die Fußsohlen (strokes/”fifty” onto the soles of the feet).

The use of bastinado is documented from the year 960 in China, in Europe from 1537.  It is to be conceded, that foot whipping has been commonly practiced since ancient times, as it is referenced in the bible in multiple passages (Prov. 22:15; Lev. 19:20; Deut. 22:18).

Foot whipping is associated mostly with middle and far eastern nations, where it is occasionally executed in public, therefore covered by reports and photographs. However different forms of bastinado were also a conventional method in western countries to enforce discipline in prisons, reformatories, boarding schools and similar institutions at times when a right to use corporal punishment existed. For instance Bastonade was as a traditional form of punishment especially in German territories. It was commonly practiced in prisons as well as reform schools and also extensively employed during the Nazi-Regime as disciplinary measure.

For being generally implemented closed off from the public in western civilizations and as it appears outwardly unspectacular compared to publicly better known practices such as flagellation and caning that were frequently employed as judicial corporal punishment for serious offenses, foot whipping, which merely served for disciplinary purposes to sanction misconduct or insubordination within prisons and similar institutions, is mostly disregarded in the context of corporal punishment.

Sole caning is still a common form of disciplinary corporal punishment of prisoners in different countries as it is eminently painful while usually no severe or lasting injuries are caused. It is also frequently used for political torture as physical evidence mostly remains undetectable after a relatively short period of recuperation and it can therefore be exerted repetitively over extended periods of time.

Obviously, while the history of bastinado as a form of real punishment and torture can be fascinating, that’s not meant to be the focus of this blog.  It’s not called Michael Samadhi’s History of Torture, so with that introduction under our belts, let’s discuss how bastinado can fit into an exploration of the joy of kink.

it’s a treat to beat your feet

In addition to being a kinkster, I’ve been an avid backpacker most of my adult life.  The first rule of backpacking is to take care of the feet!  As I mentioned in the introduction, one of the insidiously painful aspects of bastinado is that it involves the feet, which we depend on for movement every day.  For that reason, bastinado is a form of BDSM “play” that should be approached with a good deal of respect and caution.  If one or more of the small bones in a prisoner’s foot are broken, it’s just part of the torture, at least from the viewpoint of the person delivering the blows.  If that happens to a BDSM slave, it’s a real tragedy that could permanently compromise their health, not to mention diminishing their ability to serve.

With that said, bastinado can be a fun addition to your play.  The sadist inside me does appreciate this kind of torment, and I have indulged myself on more than a handful of occasions.  Use appropriate caution, and some common sense, and everything should be fine.

The first thing you’ll need to include bastinado in your BDSM games is a willing partner.  That can be a little more difficult than it seems, people can be weird about their feet.  More than just a few submissives (at least in my experience) list foot torture as a hard limit.  Receiving bastinado is usually not going to be real high on the menu of folks who earn a living on their feet, so it’s not always an option for professions from chefs to nurses to waitstaff at a restaurant.

Next on the list of things necessary for a good bastinado scene is restraint.  While a wiggling butt may still present a fair target to a dominant, moving feet are simply an invitation for problems when attempting to strike them with any sort of accuracy.  The less “wiggle room” allowed to the victim’s feet the better.  So, strict restraint is usually the order of the day.

Then you’ll need to find the right “implement” for your explorations.  To my mind a thin rattan cane is the classic instrument for bastinado, but I’m sure that’s a personal preference more than a universal part of foot torture.  A riding crop is another common choice for this kind of scene.  Floggers and leather straps are also used for bastinado in BDSM.  I recommend staying on the lighter side of impact toys for bastinado, as heavier toys would seem to increase the odds of potential problems with the small metatarsal bones that are the primary structure for our feet.

From there, it’s really up to you how to proceed (using caution and common sense of course!)  I always avoid the area on the back of the foot around the Achilles tendon.  I’ve cared for a person with an Achilles tendon tear, it’s worse than a broken bone in many ways, a truly debilitating injury.  While I doubt that a moderate strike with a thin piece of rattan would likely cause a ruptured tendon, it’s an area I don’t take chances with.

I really don’t do much with the tops of feet either, there’s little padding there and the bones seem most exposed from that angle.  I’ve seen bastinado applied to the tops of feet, quite effectively in fact, it’s just not my preference.

When delivering bastinado, I concentrate on precise strikes to the soles of the feet.  I avoid the toes, and vary the blows between the ball of the foot, the arch, and the heel.  All are effective zones to target it seems, full of nerve endings which tend to elicit strong responses.  I don’t strike with much force, it’s not needed.  That can be one of the positive’s of this particular technique, it’s not terribly strenuous for the person delivering the blows.

As always with BDSM, communication is a key.  Knowing your partner intimately and being able to communicate freely about the experience makes it more rich for individuals on both the giving and receiving end of bastinado.  A little can go a long way when beating on feet, so make sure to have safewords or other methods of feedback in place, so that your play doesn’t turn into real torture.  I always encourage folks to get in person instruction before trying advanced techniques like bastinado on their own.  It’s easier than ever to attend BDSM events where classes are taught on a wide variety of tools and technique.  Experienced and trusted mentors within the BDSM community are also available for those willing to put a little effort into their search.

“B” is for Bastinado


“C” is for Cuckold

"C" - the Joy of Kink from "A" to "Z"

This entry is part 4 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

In simple biological terms, the word cuckold is used to refer to a husband with an adulterous wife.  In evolutionary biology, the term cuckold is applied to males who are fooled into parenting offspring that are not genetically their own.

The term is derived (believe it or not) from the cuckoo bird, as a reference to some cuckoo specie’s common practice of laying it’s own eggs in the nest of others.  Although not commonly known, there is a word for the opposite – the cuckquean – a woman with an unfaithful husband.

The word cuckold has been generally used as a nasty put down.  My dad always called those kinds of terms – “fighting words”.  And, the word itself has always been intended to be derisive, it implies victimization and inadequacy.  Also implied is deceit, that the husband is unaware of the wife’s adultery.  The ultimate implication is that the wife would actually bear the other man’s child, not her husband’s.

Of course, the kinky definition of the word turns the traditional definition on it’s head.  In our world, the cuckold is a willing participant.  The “cuck”, the person being cuckolded, usually gets some sort of perverse pleasure from his partner’s infidelity.  Often, the cuckold is the one who, at least initially, instigated the experience.

With that said, it’s very common for there to be at least a pretense that the cuck is a victim of their partner’s infidelity.  The illusion that it’s being forced upon them by dominant partner who leaves them little or no choice is central to the fantasy aspect for some folks.  That’s often the basis for the oddly masochistic pleasure some derive from this particular kink.

As I’ve implied, this fetish is most commonly practiced by a couple where the female is dominant.  Although it’s not totally unknown for the roles to be flipped, for a male dominant to cuckold a submissive, it’s far more commonly practiced in female led relationships.  Within that lifestyle, the wife who actively enjoys cuckolding her husband is often called a “hotwife”.  I’ve also seen the term “cuckoldress” used, although that terms is far less common in usage.  The male who plays the stud role is often called a “bull”.   Bulls are often dominant, but not always.

I’ve long been aware of this particular type of play, but had little personal experience.  I recently started playing with two different couples with a fetish for cuckold play, so this is relatively new territory for my personal experience.  My friend Alpha, who’s been pictured here playing with Serafina on more than one occasion, has far more experience in this domain.

Alpha describes cuckolding as a particularly intense form of BDSM play.  Cuckolding is very psychologically intense, although it has physical aspects as well.  One of the cuckold couples I’ve played with invited me in specifically to teach her how to punish and hurt her masochistic cuck/slave more effectively.

I’ve whipped him to the point of using his safeword on more than one occasion, only to tell him (truthfully) that I’ve seen girls half his size take far more.  My statements embarrassed him, yet strangely excited at the same time.  Within days, he was asking for more . . .

“C” is for cuckold


“D” is for Dacryphilia

"D" - the Joy of Kink from "A" to "Z"

This entry is part 5 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

That which we do not bring to consciousness appears in our lives as fate.
~ Carl Jung

From time to time I struggle with the sadism I feel truly is an inherent part of my nature. It doesn’t matter that my masochist “victims” are very much willing, that they thank me when our scenes are done, and not in the ritualized sense that a submissive might thank their dominant for orgasm denial. Their thanks aren’t protocol, I fulfill a need for them, just as they fulfill mine. Yet, that still doesn’t assuage the guilt I feel. I’m still learning to embrace my shadow . . .

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”
~ Carl Jung

I’ve heard it said that being submissive is sometimes frightful and confusing. The same could be said for masochism.

Well, my dear friends and readers, I’m here to tell you it’s not a whole lot different for sadists. In the end, we are all similar in one way, that we are allowing a part of our shadow1 to emerge. Acting on thoughts of sadism means exploring a side of ourselves that others might find evil or loathsome.

There’s a standing joke between Alpha and I, usually said after a particularly intense scene with serafina, or one of our other playmates. Alpha turns to me and says, “You know Master2, we would have made good Nazis.”

In truth, Alpha and I would have made piss poor Nazi’s. We are far too much the rugged individual type to be taken in by charismatic mass movements, not to mention the fact that neither of our political leanings tend toward the right. Dominants we are, fascists we are not.

The humor, perhaps more than anything else, could be revealing of the inner guilt we feel in giving our shadow self that free reign. In researching the internal shadow aspect, I’ve learned that it’s often dealt with using humor of that very sort. Which, strangely enough, brings me around to today’s topic – dacryphilia. Any discussion I might have concerning that term is going to involve the shadow, because the response seems to be a polar opposite of what’s expected by society.

A person with dacryphilia (also called dacrylagnia) is aroused by seeing crying or tears. The term dacryphilia is wide ranging, covering all forms of pleasure a person might receive from the tears of others. As such, the term easily fits into a discussion about BDSM and the joys of kink.

In today’s society men are generally conditioned to react to a woman’s tears with some combination of compassion, remorse, sympathy, and/or guilt. Some woman go so far as to use tears as a way to manipulate their lovers. But, if/when such a woman encounters a dacryphiliac, she’s likely to be in for quite a rude surprise.

dacryphilia and me . . .

Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other.
~ Carl Jung

I know what happens when a dacryphiliac meets a frequent crier from personal experience. I’ve been there, done that, and probably should have a t-shirt proclaiming that I survived.

I had a former submissive who’d been more than a little bit of an actress in high school and college. She and I were married for something like 15 years, which is probably more a testament to my stubbornness and youth than it is to our true compatibility. Let me just say that BlissfulTorment could pout and cry with the best of them. She could make herself cry on cue. If they gave rewards for crying they way a person gets them for flying, I’m sure she could travel the world free for years on her “frequent crier” miles. She did it all the time, and I usually responded with the combination of feelings her crying was meant to elicit.

But, she played that particular card a little too frequently it seems, and it unleashed the shadow. One day her crying game was done to the point of overkill, and then things changed – dramatically. That fateful evening, while in the middle of an acrimonious fight that was a part of our breakup, I found that her tears and pouting had started to turn me on. She’s screaming and crying, sobbing and moaning – and my fucking dick gets hard!

By definition, a person with dacryphilia gets a measure of arousal from viewing a person in emotional distress. Although usually it’s the tears of others, I’ve heard that some people can get aroused by their own tears. With that said, that’s not what I feel at all. Obviously then, dacryphilia comes in a variety of shapes and sizes, pretty much like everything else that is human.

For me to feel arousal from seeing another’s tears, a number of very specific conditions must be met. From a psychological sense, I’d guess this might mean that I’m so controlling that I keep even my own shadow on a tight leash when I do let it out.

The first condition would be that I need to feel close to the person crying. They need to be at least a play partner, at best a love interest. Seeing tears on a stranger does nothing for me.

Second, the tears need to be the “real deal” – crocodile tears don’t excite me. I need to know that real turmoil caused the tears. Now, it doesn’t matter if the turmoil is physical (from intense sensation) or emotional (from intense emotions). I have to sense the crying is real for it to have any effect.

And, I pretty much need to be the cause of the tears too. This part of the “fetish” has some subtleties to it. I’d think that if Alpha and I were working a girl over together and she teared up from the scene, that it would have an effect. I’d probably say to him, “Damn Alpha, we really would have made good Nazis!” as I rubbed my hard-on against our teary victim. But, if it was just him causing tears in a scene as I shot photographs from the sidelines – meh – no real effect.

And, finally, it can’t be carried on for too long. The other night Serafina and I had a scene together where tears flowed down her cheeks for a solid half hour straight. I think they started because one particular zap from the neon wand3 caught her off guard At first I teased her, telling her, “You better be careful girl, you know what those tears do to me.” And yes, at that point I was rubbing a hard dick against her. But, as she carried on longer and longer, things changed for me.

Because the crying went on long enough for me to feel uncomfortable, the shadow was put away. I ended up cutting the scene short, I felt it wasn’t working. I only discovered after the fact that Serafina wasn’t really “crying” as she put it. That the tears were simply tears of joy, she’d realized how much she loves me and how much she loves our play and it overwhelmed her.

Leaving me to ask, was the shadow put away, or did my shadow aspect realize what I did not? Serafina’s tears that night weren’t the kind of tears that feed the shadow. Tears of joy somehow don’t excite that aspect of me at all . . .

“d” is for dacryphilia


“E” is for Edging and Orgasm Control

"E" - the Joy of Kink from "A" to "Z" | Kink of the Week – Mar 31-Apr 6: Orgasm Control

This entry is part 6 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

Edging is a form of orgasm control sometimes practiced as a part of a BDSM scene, or relationship, where an individual is brought to the verge of having an orgasm, only to have the stimulation withdrawn, the potential orgasm delayed/denied.  Usually, that cycle of excitement and denial is repeated again and again before the scene is concluded.  The way most people play this particular game, it’s the dominant’s prerogative to determine when (or if) the submissive is allowed to orgasm.

Orgasm control is a broader term, it includes edging, tease and denial, as well as a variety of other techniques.  It’s ultimate expression is when a submissive has been trained to orgasm on command, usually with a keyword or signal acting as the trigger to cum.

Edging and orgasm control are an important part of the Master/slave dynamic between Serafina and I.  I control all of her orgasms.  It’s been more than a decade since Serafina has cum without first asking my permission.  I expect, that as long as we are together, it will remain that way.  And, why wouldn’t it?  It’s a very fulfilling “game”1  for us to play together.

A lot of dominants choose orgasm control as a way of expressing their dominance, their mastery over their submissive.  I suppose that psychology does exist as a part of the dynamic between Serafina and myself, but that’s not how it started for us.  Believe it or not, my control of Serafina’s orgasms started inside the context of Tantra.

I started by teaching Serafina to “hold” her orgasms.  The idea was to help her learn to sit right on the edge of orgasm, to extend that delightful moment just before cumming as long as possible.  In Tantric terms it’s called “riding the waves of bliss”, and it’s actually part of where my former submissive got her name.

I’ve been controlling my submissive’s orgasms far longer than I’ve known Serafina.  It’s been a regular part of my play since 1990.  BlissfulTorment, my prior wife and submissive, was very well trained in this sort of play, but she never became as advanced as Serafina has grown to be.

Serafina has learned to ride that edge almost indefinitely.  She’s learned to beg for the privilege.  And, I must say, she does beg beautifully.

Serafina’s multi-orgasmic.  She’s capable of cumming again and again and again, we’ve counted more than 30 orgasms in a single session.  Eventually she reaches a point where they never quite quit, the orgasms ebbing and flowing like a river, but never quite stopping.  Of course she only gets to that point when I allow it.

With a woman like Serafina, it might seem cruel to deny her even the slightest bit of pleasure.  She’s a beautiful slave, she serves me well, and she’s an incredibly sexual being (underneath a calm surface that might appear to be more like your school librarian – prim and proper.)  Why not let her cum and cum and cum?  Why deny her pleasure?

I guess the simple answer to that is, “Because I can!”

I have that power, and I do enjoy using it.  There are times where I tell her that I’m going to use her like a whore, that it’s not about her pleasure, it’s about mine.  At those points in time, I’ve trained her to think one thing, and one thing only.

“It’s all about the cock, Sir!” she says to me.

But, if I even start counting backwards, her demeanor changes.  She can sense her trigger coming.  The need inside her grows.  If my countdown reaches “1” she cums, it’s involuntary at that point.  If I stop at 2, it’s just more edging and orgasms control, pure and simple.

“e” is for edging and orgasm control


“F” is for Frottage

"F" - the Joy of Kink from "A" to "Z"

This entry is part 7 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

I’ve always been a bit of a sexual geek, and a self taught one at that.  The story behind my learning the term frottage is just more proof positive of that fact.

In case you aren’t familiar with the term, frottage is a word used to describe the act of rubbing one’s genitals against another person’s body.  Wikipedia says:

Frottage is the general term for the act of rubbing any part of the body, including the buttocks, the breasts, abdomen, thighs, feet, hands, legs and sexual organs against the sexual organ of another person; this is done whether naked or clothed and is more commonly known as dry humping or dry sex. When frottage includes genital-genital rubbing, it is sometimes called genito-genital or GG rubbing.

Couples may engage in frottage as a form of foreplay or simply as a method to achieve sexual gratification without the penetrative aspects of vaginal, anal or oral sexual intercourse, which may be a way of preserving virginity or a way of practicing safe sex. Often, young people will engage in frottage as an earlier stage of physical intimacy before more explicit contact is desired.

Other terms associated with frottage are:

Princeton rub, Ivy League rub, and so on are slang terms referring to male-male frot or intercrural sex or both, presumably surviving from the days when these colleges only admitted men. W. H. Auden was proud of having been the first person to use the terms Princeton rub and Princeton first-year in print.

The term frottage derives from the French verb frotter (i.e., to rub). Three terms derive from frotter. These include frottage, the sexual act involving rubbing; frot, the sexual act that refers exclusively to male-male genital rubbing without penetration (but may also be referred to as frottage); and frotteurism, a paraphilia involving obsession with frottage or performing frottage non-consensually (e.g., pressing one’s genitals against a stranger on a crowded subway); this was once called “frottage,” but the usage is no longer acceptable.

It’s kind of sad that the word frottage has been turned into just another synonym for dry humping.  To my eyes, it really seemed more exciting and useful as a term when used in the context of non-consensual genital contact in crowded places like a subway.  That’s the context where I learned the term, and up until I pulled up Wikipedia today, that’s what I thought it still meant . . .

If memory serves me correctly, and it may not (we are talking about events from the 1970’s afterall) I was first exposed to the term in the writings of Xaviera Hollander.  Ms Hollander was best known as the author of The Happy Hooker, but the success of that book spawned several others, and I think it was in one of those that I first read about frottage.

If it wasn’t in a book like Xaviera!, one of the lesser known sequels to The Happy Hooker, I probably first read about frottage in a copy of Penthouse, Bob Guccione’s racier answer to Playboy.  There’s always been a classic joke about men’s magazines like that, husband’s telling their wives they bought the magazines for the articles, not the centerfold and other pictorials.  Oh, I looked at the pictures, no doubt about that.  But, I could only spend so much time studying anatomy, so I read the stories and articles too.

Somewhere, among those readings, I read about frottage.  I guess that would be more properly stated by saying that I read about frotteurism, because frottage isn’t used in the sense that I knew the term.  I found the fantasy to be an exciting one.

Now let’s be clear about one thing, I don’t condone non-consensual sexual activity in any physical manner, shape, or form.  No means no, always get consent before anything sexual occurs, don’t even violate a person’s space!  OK?

What I’m talking about here is the fantasy of frottage.  I’m talking about the thought of the sort of public sex act now known as frotteurism.  I’m thinking about rubbing against a consenting partner on a crowded subway or train.  Maybe it’s just because I was exposed to the fantasy at an impressionable age, but it sounds pretty fucking hot to me!  I’m not thinking of acting it out.  There are lots of different fantasies I’ve acted on, and acted out, I don’t think this is one I’ll try.

Then again, I’ve also learned to “never say never”.  I’ve always had the fantasy of getting a blowjob in a movie theater, but never thought I’d act that one out either.  Then last fall, at Kinky Kollege, the opportunity fell into my lap.  There at Kinky Kollege a video room plays BDSM porn around the clock, 24/7.  It’s not a true movie theater, more of a video conference center with several rows of seating.  On Saturday evening, last October at Kinky Kollege Homecoming, during the open dungeon, that was close enough for me . . .

So, I’d never say that one of my fantasies won’t be fulfilled.  After all, that’s what places like Twisted Tryst and Kinky Kollege are all about.  It’s a great day and age we live in, where there are events like those for fantasy fulfillment.  But I can’t say that frottage is terribly high on my sexual bucket list either, so only time will tell if this sort of thing ever gets explored in this current lifetime.

So many fetishes, so little time in which to explore the joy of kink . . .

“f” is for frottage

"F" is for frottage

“G” is for Gang Bangs and Group Sex

"G" - the Joy of Kink from "A" to "Z"

This entry is part 8 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

The letter “g”, in exploring the joy of kink from “a” to “z”, is all about multiples.  Multiple partners.  Multiples of partnering.  Multi-multiples.

“G” is for gang bangs and group sex.  For the uninitiated, the nomenclature is subtle but significant.

Group sex is most simply defined as sexual behavior involving more than two participants.  Group sex can occur among people of any sexual orientation and/or gender.

Three people taking part in sexual activity together are commonly called a threesome, while four is called a foursome.  I’ve heard it said that five people together is a “moresome”, and that at six it becomes an orgy, but those definition are not as universally accepted as the terms threesome and foursome.

Gang bangs are a little more specific.  They are probably best defined as a sexual scenario in which one individual takes part in physical sexual activity with several other people.  Gang bangs are not defined by the particular number of participants, but usually include more than three people.

In a gang bang the action may take place sequentially (each partner after another in sequence) or simultaneously (all at the same time).  By definition, the central focus of sexual activity in a gang bang is on a single individual.

For example, the most common scenario for a heterosexual gang bang is one woman surrounded by several men who engage her all at once, or each in his turn.   If a gang bang is put together specifically to conclude with the simultaneous (or rapid sequential) ejaculation of the male participants onto the woman who is the focus of activity, then it could also be referred to by the Japanese term bukkake.

Obviously then, for homosexual gang bangs, the scenario remains essentially the same, but the gender of the participants changes.

Gang bangs and group sex both can feature a wide variety of sex acts, such as vaginal, anal or oral sex.  It’s not uncommon for group and gang bang fantasies to include simultaneous sex acts.  Double penetration and even triple penetration scenarios are relatively common.

“g” is for gang bangs and group sex


“H” is for Hotel

"H" - the Joy of Kink from "A" to "Z" | Wicked Wednesday Prompt #97

This entry is part 9 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

Today’s post is a twofer.

Through a serendipitous coincidence, the letter “H” in the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge happened to come up on the same day as Wicked Wednesday’s prompt for “Hotel”.

I do believe that sometimes things happen in our lives for a reason.  I mean, who would I be to ignore the fact that the Universe has brought these two unrelated occurrences together at the same time?

Certainly, I could have written about handkerchief codes, harems, hermaphrodites, homophobia, hot wax, humiliation, hypnosis, or any of a dozen other forms of kink that start with an “h”.

But, when I think about it, hotels is as good a topic as any other for the letter.  It’s a topic Serafina and I have explored more than just a little over the last 18 months.

Yes indeed, “H” really is for hotel!

For our purposes, for Serafina and I, a hotel room means two things.  The first is a new place to shoot pictures.  When we visit other places and stay overnight, I look for historic hotels, places with history and character.  Those kind of locations almost always make for great atmosphere for both pictures and play.

If possible, I also like to get a “Jacuzzi room”.  After a long day of driving, it’s good to soak in a hot tub of water with a jet pulsating against my back.  Not to mention the fact that a hot tub is a great way to “break the ice” and get things started.

I’ve heard it said that the the phrase, “Let’s all get naked and get in the Jacuzzi,” is actually the mating call of the subspecies Homo sapiens libro1.  That might very well be true, just as the phrase “I am soooo drunk” is the mating call of the college sorority girl.

Which serves as a segue into the other reason to grab a hotel room for a night – the adventure!  It’s all about the potential play.  While Serafina and I do occasionally get a room for ourselves, it’s a rare indulgence.  We’ve very much enjoyed a visit to the Hotel Blackhawk in Davenport, and hope to return again soon.

There is a theme suite in Des Moines we also liked a lot.  Having visited it in March for the High Protocol Dinner, we’ll return again in May when we are in Des Moines for Mischief in May.  Instead of staying at the host hotel for Mischief in May, which isn’t attached to the venue anyway, we reserved the theme suite to use as a backdrop for personal pictures and play next month.  We also enjoyed a stay at the Hotel Jullien in Dubuque, but we were joined in our only stay there by our friend Alpha.

In the end, that’s usually the biggest motivation for a hotel stay, to have a place to play with friends who can’t come visit us in our dungeon.  For the longest time that meant our friends Dee and Gatekeeper.  Obviously, Alpha has joined us for play in hotel rooms as well.  Last summer and fall, for about a six month period, another friend Eva Kaye was added to that mix.  She’s gone from my life, and even from FetLife now, but it should not be forgotten that our first two play encounters were in hotel rooms.

Bringing me to the downsides of hotel rooms, their lack of privacy.  That’s a poignant reminder for me, because I rejected playing with Eva Kaye in hotel rooms after just two attempts, she was just too loud.  An angry thump on the wall from the neighboring room takes on new meaning when BDSM play is happening.  That thump is far more meaningful for BDSM play than if I were just having vanilla sex with my wife and got a little bit overzealous in expressing our passion.

BDSM hasn’t yet received the “Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval”, in fact it’s technically illegal in most parts of the world.  Although people in the sports world are allowed to consent to violence against their person, the law has not yet recognized my play partner’s choice to submit to my whip, flogger, or cane.

So, in my case, as a sadist and dominant who often plays with impact toys, a visit from hotel management could be more than an embarrassing inconvenience.  While a vanilla couple would probably escape with a great story to tell their friends, I’m a lot more likely to have serious consequences from such a visit.  Cries for help2 and visible bruises are just the two most obvious ways I could end up in trouble.  If things go too far wrong, I could end up in jail.

Worries about an encounter with law enforcement should never be at the forefront of my mind when getting kinky at a hotel, but it should never be totally outside of my consideration either.  It’s always better to be safe than sorry.

In the end, a hotel room can be a great place to play and get kinky.  For folks with children, it’s always an option to use as a get away, after all public dungeon spaces aren’t that common, and they aren’t always available when convenient, even if a person does live nearby.  Hotels also provide location to meet friends who can’t travel to our home.  Serafina and I don’t particularly care to play with people we wouldn’t invite to our home, but that’s yet another use for a hotel room.  They make great places to meet for a casual encounter.

A new (but dear) friend, who I found out last night is a regular reader of my blog, uses hotel rooms for Craig’s List style encounters.  She really gets off on the adrenaline rush, the excitement from the fear she gets going into such trysts.  I can certainly understand that rush.  I mean it sounds like fun, even if it’s not within my personal experience to have tried such an encounter.

I mean, I’m the guy who’s never had a one night stand.  Not once.  It used to be on my “bucket list”, but I’ve realized that a one night stand means it wasn’t good enough, that the person I fucked didn’t want to come back for more.  I like to find a connection and build on it, sex and play Samadhi style gets better and better over time.

But, if I wanted to explore having a one night stand, it would undoubtedly be in a hotel.  Here’s hoping they have hypo-allergenic rooms!

“h” is for hotels



Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

“I” is for Inspiration and Influences

"I" - the Joy of Kink from "A" to "Z"

This entry is part 10 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

The letter “I” could stand for a lot of different things within the concepts behind Joy of Kink from “A” to “Z”.

Ice play.
Ice Queen.
Illegal Sex.
Impact Play
Insect fetish.

For instance, an essay on “inuction” could include, not only a discussion of the fetish1, but also a discussion of the phenomena of Mazola® parties2

What?  You haven’t heard of a Mazola® party before?  Well, you’ll have to wait until at least next year to find out more, because this year “I” is for inspiration.

I don’t know that a discussion of the inspirations for my kinkiness is possible.  I really have no idea why I am the way that I am.  Frankly I’ve always been this way, it’s really the only way I know how to live.  I am who I am, and previous attempts to understand why, tend to be more than a little bit inscrutable in their result.

So, rather than have a discussion about me, or about my kink, I’d like to discuss the lovely sex bloggers who have inspired me to create the Joy of Kink.  My work has been influenced by a relatively small handful of people and sites, but each is important in their own way.

The Big Four

There are four sex bloggers who have been the primary inspiration for my own work . . .

Curvaceous Dee

Pansexual, polyamorous, and kinky, Curvaceous Dee is the moniker of an absolutely lovely writer (and exhibitionist) who hails from New Zealand, as well as a site’s name.  Far more than anyone else out there, Dee has been a key inspiration for all of my blogging efforts.  Dee is intelligent and witty, not to mention the fact that she’s a very kinky lady.  I adore intelligence and wit, always have and I always will.  I learn from Dee, especially the other blogger’s posts she features in Intriguing Reading.  I think there have been 78 posts in that ongoing series, they all have made me think.  I’m a (mostly) heterosexual male dominant, as such I come from a place of privilege.  The diversity of Dee’s friends pansexual offerings, if nothing else, help to remind me of the wonderful diversity that make up our community, and usually do far more for me than that.  The mind is our biggest sex organ, and I know Dee understands that.  She’s also very brave, her exhibitionist exploits are a very real inspiration to Serafina.  She’s the organizer of the Scavenger Hunt which Serafina and I recently started taking part in, what great fun it is!  Although I’ve never told her so, I’ve got a long distance crush on Dee, I have for a long time.

Molly’s Daily Kiss

Molly is the Queen of sex bloggers.  OK, I don’t know that’s a universally accepted fact, I haven’t seen her crowned as such.  I’m sure there are others who might claim the title.  I mean it certainly could be argued that the “Queen of all Sex Bloggers” is Violet Blue.  But to me, Ms Blue blogs about sex rather than being a sex blogger.   Molly’s Daily Kiss is the epitome of what sex blogging is about today in the year 2014, and for that I give Molly her title.  At least that’s how she’s thought of here in my household.  Molly may be a submissive, but she’s also a natural born leader, and that shows (very much) in the great success of Sinful Sunday.  That meme is easily the most popular and successful one of it’s kind in the world of kinky sex bloggers.  Molly’s Pussy Pride Project is another place where her organizing and leadership skills show.  Her photography skills are also outstanding, and the makeover her site just got is visually stunning, a beautiful look and design.  She’s a beautiful woman too.  Don’t let all the skills fool you, she is definitely a sexy sex blogger. . . What a lady!  Perhaps I don’t have the long term crush on Molly that I have had on Dee, but being newer doesn’t make it any less true.

Rebel’s Notes

Marie Rebel is certainly sex blogger royalty, no doubt about that.  I think of Marie as being something akin to Molly’s sister – that would make her Princess Marie Rebel!  Like Molly’s site, Rebel’s Notes is truly the epitome of what sex blogging in 2014 is all about.  I guess the association in my mind is made stronger by the fact that Molly and Marie are real life friends.  I’ve seen posts of them traipsing about the countryside together, collecting scavenger hunt locations as they go, and can’t help imagining what fun it must have been to be the photographer!  Ms Rebel has great organizing skills too, she’s the host of Wicked Wednesday, another one of my favorite internet memes.  And, she’s yet another beautiful submissive lady blogger.  Now, if I say that I have a bit of a crush on Marie, I’m going to sound like some hopeless headcase, but I have to say this at the very least, she’s a sexy lady who’s more than worthy too.

Kink and Poly

I’m going to start sounding like a broken record here.  Everything I’ve said so far about other outstanding sex bloggers is true also about Jade Melisande, the author of Kink and Poly.  Jade is sexy, very sexy.  Her blog is, like Rebel’s Notes and Molly’s Daily Kiss, everything I could imagine a sex blog should be.  She’s exhibitionistic, intelligent, and she writes great erotica (which is also true of everyone who has preceded her, lest I be remiss in mentioning that.)  Did I mention that she’s sexy?  Oh, ya I did.  The other thing I should mention is that she’s also the first blogger on the list who resides on the same continent.  And, she really only lives a few hours drive away.  I’m guessing our paths will cross someday, at Twisted Tryst, Kinky Kollege, MadtownKinkfest, or maybe something in her home town.  I lived there myself as a community organizer back in 1990, and have to say I never met anyone like Jade.  It’d be great to share a meal, meet her guys.  Maybe even find a way to do a joint Scavenger Hunt or two with Jade and Serafina, tie them to each other or something!  I should also mention that Jade hosts another popular meme – Kink of the Week.

Plus Two

Two other bloggers have been significant influences, even if it’s not as openly apparent.  I’m still working to find the “voice” I want in writing reviews, but it’s still a goal of mine.

Dangerous Lily

The sex toy reviewer’s sex toy reviewer.  Lily’s blog – Dangerous Lily – has always been my greatest inspiration to write sex toy reviews.  She’s incredibly informed and proactive when it comes to the safety of sex toys. Her no nonsense reviews, and outstanding advice for fellow bloggers is greatly appreciated.  It seems like often, she’s just a step ahead of me.  I’ll have an idea for a great blog post, only to do a quick google search and discover that Lily already had the idea, and wrote the definitive blog post about it.

Hey Epiphora

The queen of sex toy reviewers.  Hey Epiphora is THE classic sex toy review site.  Doing reviews of BDSM tools and sex toys is always a part of my inspiration in creating a blog, but writing the reviews is not so easy for me.  I tip my cap to sex toy reviewers like Lily and Epiphora, it’s a tougher job to do right than you might think.

 Honorable Mentions

There are a couple of sites that are still in existence that deserve mention, even if they don’t rise up to the level of the “Big Six”.

bondage blog

In terms of original content, Bondage Blog is by far the weakest of all the blogs I consider to be among the inspirations for the creation of the Joy of Kink.  It’s really little more than a collection of items that have been found elsewhere on the web, and are then re-posted to Bondage Blog.  I rarely visit there anymore, the blog has little to offer me today.  But, ten or twelve years ago, that was a different story.  Bondage blog was the first kink blog I ever found, it led me to dozens of other sites.  It earns it’s place on the list only because it was the very first kinky blog I ever found.  In fact it was probably the first blog I ever actually read.

No Need to be Coy

Run by yet another lovely lady blogger, Coy Pink, No Need to be Coy has a special place in my heart for a very unique reason.  Ms Pink bears a striking resemblance to a lady who was a former love interest of mine back in the 1990’s.  Several years ago, back in 2008, after finding, the resemblance between the Coy Pink and my friend led me to look the friend up again, after being out of contact for the better part of a decade.  We are fast friends again, I’m even helping to edit her novel.  While the relationship we once had is well beyond being rekindled, the mutual respect and love we once shared still endures.  Besides Serafina, she is currently the other woman to whom I sign letters to with the word love.  No Need to be Coy earns an honorable mention for rekindling my friendship.

 your blog

I could probably list a dozen others, but the word count for this post will exceed 1800 now before it’s all said and done.  Examples include You Won’t Tame This Sassy Cat, Malflic, Just Like Heaven, Kinky Mia, Dragon’s Kink, Beck and Her Kinks, and ALY- an aspiring and evolving Buddhist slave girl, among others, but there are many more.  I’m nothing, after all if I’m not verbose, and I do love to read, perhaps even more than write.  If you have commented here, and/or I’ve commented on your blog, than you’ve probably had an influence.  The community of sex bloggers is a wonderful place, I’ve made many new online friends in the past few months, and I look forward to making many more.

Finally- the Conclusion – “I” is for Inspiration and Influences

Hopefully, the individuals who have influenced and inspired my blogging efforts will understand that I really wish I  had the time and room to write even more wonderful things about you.

For all the named blogs, as well as the newer discoveries who are not named (at least not this year – I hope to Blog from A-Z in April every year) I thank you all, each and every one of you, for enriching my life.


“J” is for the Joy of Kink

"J" - the Joy of Kink from "A" to "Z"

This entry is part 11 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

Have you ever heard of Jactitation?  That term refers to those who derive pleasure, or become aroused, by bragging about their own sexual exploits.  Perhaps you think that some sex bloggers, maybe even yours truly, are guilty of jactitation?

The term jail bait refers to an underage individual who has not yet reached the age of sexual consent.  It’s ok to roleplay jail bait, but it’s never ok to even role play with jail bait.  OK?

Jealousy is something everyone deals with sooner or later.  As a person who’s practiced polyamory since 1989, I find it can be one of the biggest issues facing poly people.  I’d like to think I am immune, but I know I am not.

Jacking off is certainly something most every man will have done at some point in his life.

Jilling off is one term I’ve seen used for female masturbation, turning the masculine term on it’s head.  You go girls!

So, it should follow that a Jack-and-Jill-Off Party is a safe-sex orgy mixing masturbation with other activities, but no penetration.  Makes sense to me, how about you?

Jerk-off is just another term for jacking off.  As are jerking the gherkin, jerking the johnson, jerking the joint, jerk the Turk,  jerk your jewels, jerk yourself a soda, jerking jamby, jerking off, jerking the noodle, and jerking the turkey, among many others.

Jerking the merkin is a euphemism for female masturbation.  Why aren’t there more?

Jewelry is an important part of dressing up for some people.  Nipple and genital jewelry are certainly kinky wardrobe accouterments.

The term juice for jelly refers to the exchange of body fluids between an man and a woman.  It’s not a term I’d use, but it’s in the lexicon.

Juvenilism is a term that could be applied to some age players, just as infantilism was mentioned among yesterday’s kinky vocabulary starting with the letter “I”.

What do all the italicized words have in common?  They all begin with the letter “J”, of course.  And in one form or another, they can be associated with exploring the joy of kink.

I chose the name, the Joy of Kink originally for a blog that was going to be dedicated solely to BDSM education.  The idea was to “write the book” on BDSM from basic to advanced, tackling it in small bites via a blog.  yesterday, in talking about inspirations, I should also have mentioned a couple of websites that no longer exist.

Castle-Realm was a great influence in my desire to create the Joy of Kink.  In it’s day and age, Castle Realm was a classic resource for people just beginning to explore the joy of kink.  The Steel-Door by Mistress Steel (aka FRR Mallory) was another great resource that’s no longer on the web.

Many of the articles from those websites have been copied and re-posted at FetLife and other BDSM sites.  Both can be accessed by the savvy on the internet wayback machine.

In the end, this site has become much more personal than it’s original conception a few years back.  I bought the domain years ago, and had a blogger blog at that address.  The articles I wrote have been taken down to be rewritten and posted here, but the domian remains, with a single lonely post.

I just had to have a self hosted blog.  And once I had it, I discovered that taking part in the memes of the four influences I mentioned yesterday was far more fulfilling that just writing articles in a vacuum.  The A-Z challenge has brought me back closer to my original goal, and for that I’m thankful, but fun is fun!

But, I also wonder what the letter “K” is going to stand for tomorrow!  Whatever it ends up being, it will likely add yet another chapter in telling the stroy of my own explorations of the joy of kink.

“J” is for the Joy of Kink


“K” is for Klismaphilia

"K" - the Joy of Kink from "A" to "Z"

This entry is part 12 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

While blogging the Joy of Kink from “A” to “Z”, what pray-tell does the letter “k” stand for?

Kabazzah 1
Kama Sutra
Karezza 2
Ketamine 3
Key Holder
Kinsey Report
Kleptophilia 4
Klismaphilia 5
Kolpophobia 6
Knitting 7
Knife Play
Kokigami 8
KY Jelly

Those are the nominees.

The envelope please . . .

And the winner is . . . .


That’s mostly because klismaphilia is such a fun word.  It just sounds neat on the tongue. Kikigami was the runner up, for the same reason, it’s just a fun word to say.

The actual topic if klismaphilia, well it’s not for everyone.  But isn’t that the case for many kinks?

That’s why tolerance is so vitally important in our community.  My kink may not be your kink, but that doesn’t make it a bad kink.  Your kink may not be my preference (there might actually be a kink or two I’m not into) but I support your right to practice your kink.  I should add that there is one limit, I support you as long as your kink is practiced by consenting adults.

With that little disclaimer out of the way, today’s topic is one with a history going back to the Egyptians.  Klismaphilia is a form of sexual expression where a person gets pleasure from receiving enemas. Occasionally, some individuals can also become aroused by giving enemas to other people. Klismaphilia, as a word, is a recent invention.

It was coined by Dr Joanne Denko back in the early 1970’s, using the Greek word klisma (meaning enema) as the base term for this particular fetish. As with most other things I’ve written about, this is a topic where I have personal experience.  My ex-wife and former submissive, BlissfulTorment enjoyed receiving enemas as a part of our play.  Obviously then, I enjoyed giving them too.

It’s a “power thing” for me.  Enema play gives me a lot of control.  Not to mention being a very intimate activity.

Exploring her own potential for possible klismaphilia is a scary prospect for my Serafina.  She’s got a few fears, a couple of worries, and a nagging concern or two.  In the end (no pun intended) I’m sure those fears will melt away of we ever get serious about exploring this particular kink.  After all, I love turning fears into excitement.

Enemas do also have a purely practical side in exploring the joys of kink.  Not everyone who receives enemas is a klismaphile.  Some folks will give themselves an “anal douche” before taking part in butt sex.

“k” is for klismaphilia


“L” is for Limits

"L" - the Joy of Kink from "A" to "Z"

This entry is part 13 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

Today’s post, is brought to you by the letter “L”.

Now, I have to admit that “L” is one of the tougher letters for me in the challenge so far, at least from the standpoint of selection.

There aren’t a lot of paraphilias that start with the letter L, which limits my options to a certain extent.

With that said, it should be noted that any letter that starts the word “Love” can’t be all bad!

The nominees are:

Labiaplasty – a plastic surgery procedure for altering the labia minora (inner labia) and the labia majora (outer labia), the folds of skin surrounding the human vulva.
Lactaphilia – term for sexual arousal caused by lactating breasts
Lagneuomania – an abnormal preoccupation with lewd talk and actions.
Lambskin – material used in natural condoms (and luxury floggers)
Lap Dancing – a personal dance by a stripper
Lesbians – ladies loving ladies, but if I really need to define this one for you, you need more basic sex education
Lesbian Lavender – a special shade of pink
Liberator – manufacturer of a variety of sex shapes and erotic toys
Lighting – the quality and intensity of lighting can effect mood and sexual receptiveness.
Limits – what someone “won’t” do or is hesitant to do.
Lingerie – frilly and lacy, silky or satin
Love Addiction / Love Compulsion – an irresistible impulst to fantasize about a love object, expecting it to provide a solution for problems
Love Potion – similar to an aphrodisiac but different, in that a magic ritual or incantation is performed as a part of concocting a love potion
Loving M/s – Master/slave relationship in a loving context
Lubricants – slippery stuff for when we aren’t slipper enough on our own
Lunch at the Y – euphemism for cunnilingus
Lupercalia – roman celebration that included public flagellation
Lust – if you need to learn what lust means, you came to the wrong place.
Lygerastia – tendency to become aroused only in darkened or partly darkened rooms.

Among words considered but rejected for inclusion on the list of words starting with “L” is the term Lust Murder. It seems that the term “lust murder” is used to denote cases where serial killers get direct sexual thrills from killing and murder.  Obviously, I want to dispel the notion that sadists have an evil core at work, that underneath our exterior lies a serial killer waiting to erupt.  It’s just not true, not even close to reality.  Yes there are sick individuals who would take the life of another for their own thrill, but they are sociopaths and psychopaths not dominants and/or sexual sadists into BDSM.  Totally different creatures.  Its repulsive that we even have to share the name sadist.

Lagnonector – a person who kills in order to have sex with a corpse, also did not make the list, for obvious reasons1.

There are some nice words there on the list of “L” words, but only one just screams out to me when discussing the joy of kink, and that’s the term “limits”.  In the Kink community we use that term a little bit differently than in the vanilla world, so it seems more than worthy of a few comments.

“L” is for Limits

In the BDSM community we use the term “limits” to denote actions we don’t want to do, that we simply can’t do, or that we are very hesitant to do.  It’s such an important concept that the BDSM community isn’t satisfied to talk about limits in a single context, we use the terms “hard limit” and “soft limit” to denote further subtleties.  The term limits is usually used as a part of negotiation between participants in a BDSM scene (or relationship) to assure that some actions and activities that might be damaging to their person, psyche, faith, or world view, do not happen.

It’s most common to talk about a submissive person’s limits, but it should be noted that dominants have limits too.  However, because dominants are usually in control of a scene, it’s far more rare that a dom’s, or domme’s, limits would be encountered in a scene, let alone exceeded.

hard limit

Hard limits are actions that are absolutely off limits, they shouldn’t even be considered, never to be acted out or acted on.  Hard limits are prohibited activities, pure and simple. Violating another person’s hard limit is absolutely verboten, never allowed.  It’s simply not done by a responsible person!  Violating a hard limit is akin to a consent violation.  To be honest, it’s hard for me to equate a hard limit violation with anything less than a rape.

Yes, it really is that serious.

Without a doubt, any sort of hard limit violation is absolute just cause for ending a scene immediately.  To my way of thinking, one’s partner violating a hard limit should be just cause for ending a relationship too.  Relationships are about trust.  Consent and limit violations clearly indicate that the individual committing them is unworthy of trust.  If a hard limit violation occurs, I’d have to ask, “Where’s the relationship?”, because to may eyes a relationship without trust is a relationship in name only.  It is an illusion.

soft limit

A soft limit is a limit with subtlety.  Soft limits are not absolutely forbidden, but may be prohibited under certain circumstances or conditions.  A soft limit is an activity that a submissive/bottom hesitates about, or places strict conditions on, but for which they may still give informed consent, if those conditions are met.

Soft limits may be an area where the submissive has fears that must be approached carefully.  Another scenario where soft limits are commonly encountered are activities that require extraordinary skill.  A submissive, for instance, might allow casual play with a number of dominants, but only allow fire play and other edge play activities with a single dominant they know to be skilled.

other limits?

I’ve seen the term “must limit” or “requirement limit” used to denote something that a person will not do a scene without.  It might be used in a context like this – “A good connection is a must limit for me, I just can’t do a scene unless a I feel that connection.”  Personally, I prefer to just use the word “need”.  Saying, “I need a good connection,” is a so much simpler and straightforward way to communicate.

I’ve also observed (only occasionally) the term “time limit” used to denote a specific time frame for a scene.  The term “time limit” seems to feel a bit like an athletic event is in progress, at least that’s how it feels to me.  As such, I prefer to simply talk about scheduling.  I don’t ask a slave their “time limit”, I’m more likely to say – “How long can I keep you?” Keep it simple stupid – KISS – is a pretty good philosophy for communication, eh?

And, occasionally in the BDSM community you’ll encounter someone who says they are a “no limits” slave.  If you ever encounter such a beast, I have one piece of advice.  Put the laptop away, get up off the Barcalounger, and go to a munch or something.  There is no such thing (in the real world) as a “no limits” slave, they exist only in the fevered imagination of people who rarely have any experience, outside of a fantasy existence where extreme masochism sounds romantic.

If they tell you they are “pure submissive” and have few limits, it usually means the same thing as the “no limits” crowd.  They are all most commonly encountered online, as to go out in the real world and meet actual BDSM players would expose the fantasy as pure fraud.  Do yourself a favor if you meet this sort, lace your shoes up tight, and head in the other direction as fast as you can.  Don’t look back!


“M” is for Masochist

"M" - the Joy of Kink from "A" to "Z"

This entry is part 14 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

There’s no list today.

I’ll make no accounting of words that are part of the worlds of fetish, or kink, starting with the letter “M”.

“M” is for masochist, pure and simple.  There was no other consideration.

Sure, “M” could stand for Master.  It could also stand for ménage à trois.  M/s is another possibility, at least in theory.  “M” could stand for Michael, or Michael Samadhi too.

But to my heart, “M” will always stand for masochist.

My identity as a sadist is part of the attraction I feel to kink.  I get to do wicked things to people, and they come back for more.  Sometimes, I even get to make them beg me for more!  Aren’t masochists beautiful creatures?

My dominant side is well fulfilled by Serafina.  Oh my, she’s a glorious slave.  I’ve never know a person more ready and eager to please their dominant.  It’s not a posture, there’s no acting or role play, it’s who she is down to her core.  She loves to please, and it shows.

Serafina, however, would be the first to tell you she’s not a masochist.  Oh, she’s got some potential to develop (I always tell her I have plans for her – I will until my dying day) but she’ll never be a full fledged masochist, and I wouldn’t want to change her into one.  She’s just perfect the way she is!  Really!

However, my sadistic side is not as well fulfilled as the dominant.  While my dominant is living high on the hog in the Monopoly equivalent of Boardwalk and Park Place, my poor sadist is on the wrong side of the tracks.   The sadist isn’t quite slumming on properties like Baltic and Mediterranean avenues, but he’s not in any sort of high rent territory either.  I have two masochistic friends I’ve played with in the past, but neither has been available much in 2014.  I got to play with our friend Dee at the Kinky Kabin in March.  That’s it . . .

So my sadist needed satiating.  And he needed it badly.  I’m prone to saying, “I’m a man who gets what he wants,” these days, simply because it’s true.  And right now I wanted needed a masochist.

You could say that my prayers were answered.  And how!  I got to play with the most wonderful masochist the past weekend.  And let me tell you, it was flat out fucking glorious!

I like to play pretty heavy.  Most of our past playmates are finishing a scene right as I get warmed up.  Dee’s been the only one to truly challenge me so far, and that’s been limited to an extent by the fact that her husband is a good friend of mine.  I play within his limits more than I do hers.

That wasn’t a problem this past weekend.  I wanted to play heavy, and I did!  I played heavy and hard enough that I really owe my friend Alpha, as I broke his handcrafted maple paddle over my new friend’s ass!  Alpha is a true craftsman, and the paddle was his own handiwork.  Oh, it was a thing of beauty.

alpha's solid maple paddle

the paddle formerly known as Alpha’s Paddle

I broke it.

I broke it on my new girl’s ass, while she laughed!  I hit her full force, with all my might, and she laughed!

OK, by the 25th or 30th blow, each of them full force, she wasn’t laughing any more.  Well, at least not until the paddle splintered.  Then she laughed more.

I have to admit, when Alpha’s poor paddle splintered, we both laughed.

I thought Serafina’s eyes were going to bulge out, she couldn’t believe it!

At first, all Alpha said was, “Really? . . . Really? . . . No way!”

Oh, it was a moment for sure.  It may be remembered as another day of infamy, right up there with Dee using her bare hands to flip hamburgers (we didn’t have a spatula) at the Kinky Kabin.

Oh what a glorious memory!  Hopefully it’s the first of many with our new friend . . .

Yes indeed, there’s no denying that “M” is for masochist!

“m” is for masochist




“N” is for No Surprises

"N" - the Joy of Kink from "A" to "Z"

This entry is part 15 of 26 in the series Blogging from A to Z

The term “no surprises” is actually something I remember first reading about in a book called the The Ethical Slut.  

I’m not sure if that particular wording was exactly how the idea was presented by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton, but it was the idea of complete disclosure that the authors stressed.  I think the first time I heard it boiled down to the “no surprises” concept was in a presentation by Dan and Dawn at Kinky Kollege.

In the end, it seems that polyamory is about communication as much as it is about sex.  The more souls you try and fit into a relationship, the more communication it is going to take.  I think that’s a law of nature somehow, it’s really inescapable.

Trust is at the core of all relationships, yet it’s somehow one of the hardest things for people to give, real trust.  And, it’s far far too easy to erode too.

That’s where the “no surprises” rule really comes in handy.  One of the worst things that can happen in a relationship is to have a revelation come, not from your lover but from another source, and catch you by surprise.  There’s a particular sort of embarrassment that can come from that kind of surprise, and a very particular type of anger.  It’s not pretty stuff.

So, at the core of the way we practice poly, is the “no surprises” rule.  I am as transparent as I can be with Serafina.  To assure that she’d never be hurt by some surprise revelation dropped by a friend, we have no secrets.  There’s nothing about who I am, or what I’m thinking, that I hide from Serafina.

I don’t play the “Master knows best card” either, even my decisions are transparent.  If Serafina wants to know why I made any particular decision, all she has to do is ask.  Usually that’s not even necessary, as I do pride myself on making the reasons behind rules and decisions clear.

Of course transparency goes both ways.  As far as I know, there’s nothing Serafina would care to hide from me either.  It almost goes without saying, most slaves are expected to be transparent to their Master, but it’s not as common for Masters to be completely transparent to their slave.  A poly relationship works best when all the streets go both ways, when transparency is a universal rule for all.

Serafina and I have this down pretty well.  We aren’t perfect by any means, but our M/s relationship is as solid as any I’ve known.  We are already exceptionally close, but transparency and the “no surprises” rule really does bring us closer still.

Like most kinds of alternative lifestyles, polyamory can be practiced many ways.  All I can really address is how it’s done here, in my own nascent leather family.  It’s the solid nature of our core relationship that allows Serafina and I to dip our toes into the murky waters of polyamory.  It’s our communication skills that will prevent those adventures from biting us in the butt and causing problems.

And, it’s the no surprises rule, that’s at the core of it all.