Without a doubt, the challenge was good inspiration.
And, it was a good intellectual exercise for me as well. All in all, it was great fun and a good experience. I even plan to do it again next year.
Of the four full months my blog’s been in existence, I’ve already had two full months with a daily meme. Not only did I take part in the A to Z Challenge, I also was in on February Photo Fest.
Many of the folks who took part in the A to Z Challenge are taking a well deserved rest about now. I mean, it’s a lot of work to create good content for a blog every day, week upon week without end. It’s easy to burn out when blogging for that kind of schedule, especially when there’s also my real world business to run.
So, I’ve taken some time off too. My own posting during the month of May has been a little bit sparse. Some of that was recovering from the intensity of the Blogging from A to Z Challenge. And, in part, I’ve been preoccupied by the blossoming relationship with Sinnja.
And, truth be told, Serafina is without a doubt the real priority in my life, this blog will always play second fiddle to her needs. I mean this blog is quite important to me, but my slave/wife is IMPORTANT!
With that said, we’ve cancelled all of our previous event plans for June. Due to the burgeoning relationship with Sinnja, we re-prioritized some of our summer travel plans, and won’t be cavorting at Twisted Tryst in June, at least not this year. So this appears to be an opportune time to undertake another significant writing project, and the 30 Days of Kink meme is a perfect fit.
And, as an added bonus, Serafina is planning to join in with her own 30 days of Kink too! I’m creating a separate series for her, as a list containing 60 posts would get more than a little bit unwieldy to navigate.
The 30 Days of Kink
Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.
Day 2: List your kinks.
Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?
Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?
Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.
Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.
Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?
Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.
Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.
Day 10: What are your hard limits?
Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?
Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.
Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?
Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?
Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.
Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?
Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?
Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?
Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.
Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)
Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?
Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?
Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?
Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?
Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?
Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?
Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?
Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?
Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.
No, you sick twisted kinky bastards, that’s zelophilia, not zoophilia, up in the subject line . . .
That zoo word is the other “Z” word.
We’re not going there today, as we wouldn’t want to bring down the ire of the ASPCA.
I don’t want Casa Samadhi raided by PETA! Know what I mean?
Let me assure you that no animals we’re harmed in the making of this post.
That’s why “Z” is for zelophilia, a term that refers to an individual who becomes aroused by jealousy.
In theory the arousal can be triggered by any partner in a relationship becoming jealous. But, it’s my understanding that’s it’s probably far more common for zelophiles to become aroused by their own jealousy.
From a psychological and physiological standpoint, it’s likely that most folks who experience zelophilia in the form of being aroused by their own jealousy are attracted by the adrenaline rush that comes with the fear of losing a partner.
In some cases, a person with zelophilia will go as far as taking their lover to a orgy or other group sex event in order to put them into a situation likely to cause jealous feelings. The zelophile then experiences a mix of jealousy and excitement when their lover entertains sexual advances from others.
Within my own personal experience, I once ran across a couple where the husband, an apparent zelophile, encouraged his wife to go out on random craigslist type encounters, because he got turned on by the retelling of the tales of her sexual exploits. I’m guessing at least a hint of jealousy existed on his part, and likely more than just a small measure. To my eye, there’s probably a mix of sexual paraphilias at work in that situation. There’s an element of xenophilia on her part, which played to his zelophilia. It also describes a common fantasy scenario for cuckolds.
It’s my own personal observation that, for many in the cuckold lifestyle, there is probably more than a little bit of zelophilia at play in their cuckolding fetish. Undoubtedly for some in that lifestyle, there are other elements at work as well, but for the cucks I’ve talked to, they describe being drawn to the mix of jealousy and excitement they feel seeing (or knowing) that their lover is being satisfied by another. That fits the description of zelophilia perfectly.
– – – –
With those things said, with the definition and description of zelophilia under our belts, I can’t say that I fully understand this fetish. As a dominant and master, I’m pretty much the opposite of a zelophile.
It’s true that I shared Serafina with a couple of other dominants as a part of her training, but it has never elicited jealousy within me.
Most of all, in those instances, I felt a sense of pride that my slave had progressed in her training, and overcome some of her own personal inhibitions. When she plays with my friend Alpha, I feel compersion, a term that was coined by the Keristan Commune in San Francisco. Compersion is defined as taking personal pleasure in the joy that others you love share among themselves.
It’s said among those of us who practice polyamory, that compersion is the opposite of jealousy. To my eye, zelophilia and compersion would truly seem to be opposite faces of the same coin. Both involve getting pleasure from sharing our partners with others, but it seems that the personal motivations for them are very different.
“X” is for xenophilia, a term used for individuals who get sexual excitement from strangers.
Maybe you’ve used the term xenophobia before, used to describe the fear of strangers. Well, xenophilia is it’s exact opposite.
Personally, I probably tend more towards the xenophobic side. I don’t exactly fear them, but I’m shy around strangers, preferring the company of a close circle of good friends to anything else.
And while xenophilia isn’t a particular fetish for me, I’ve never ever had even a one night stand let alone felt the appeal of being sexually excited by strangers, it’s not something totally outside my personal experience.
Back when I was a community organizer, I had a young street hustler type working for my organization. His name was Freddie Morris.
Mr Morris had a bit of a troubled background, at least one drug dealing conviction on his record.
I’ve never had any big issues with drug use, and certainly his offenses were never violent. Freddie’s “victims” were purely voluntary, and paid quite highly for the privilege. I just don’t see the “crime” there.
But what made Freddie most interesting to me, wasn’t his former entrepreneurial enterprises, instead I was fascinated by his absolute and total xenophilia. Freddie loved to fuck strangers.
I’ll never forget the first time Freddie explained his particular fetish to me. “If I’m with a woman a second time, I just get bored,” he said to me. “I’ve already been there and done that, what’s the point?”
I, of course, come from the opposite school of thinking. I believe good sex gets even better with time.
Sure, I get the appeal of a deliberate random encounter. Intellectually, I can wrap my mind around the mix emotions such an encounter would stir.
Fear. The thrill of being “dangerous” or “bad”. Sudden Anticipation. Exhilaration at the Unknown. Excitement.
Of course for me, the emotion would probably be different.
I’d feel the fear, but I don’t know that I’d get the trill, exhilaration, or excitement. I’d probably feel anxiety more than anything.
I’m not much of a gambler. I don’t just roll the dice and see what fate has in store for me. There’s too much at risk for it to be even the slightest bit tempting to me.
And there are predators out there. There are bad people with evil intent. Play with xenophilia too much and you could will get hurt. You know, I think that’s really my take away message from this piece.
I wanted to write something light heated today. My intent was to create a “throw away” 300 word post on xenophilia talking about Freddie’s penchant for “strange”. But I can’t leave the topic there, it’s simply not responsible, I know too much to just leave things there.
If you are too much into xenophilia, you could will get hurt. You could get drugged and wake up in the middle of a strange woods. You could catch a STI, a potentially lethal virus. You could be murdered.
Events like I’ve described have touched my life.
I’d like to give you the heart wrenching details as I know them, as a cautionary tale. I’ve written them out more than once, here as I write this piece, only to erase them. Giving you their individual stories would tell a serious cautionary tale. It could be outstanding journalism. It might make a difference in someone’s life, perhaps make them rethink an encounter before their luck runs out and they get badly hurt.
But their stories are not mine to tell. I value their privacy more than I value what the details might do for you, my dear reader. So instead, let me tell you my story, let me tell you the way the potential for harm from xenophilia has effected me.
I know real victims. People who have been hurt by random encounters. They are among my family. Just thinking aboutw hat happened to them makes me literally feel sick in the pit of my stomach. I feel angry and helpless. I want to rage. I want to shake them and stop them, tell them they are worth more than what they are risking.
The worst point in my life since I sat holding her hand as my Mother died, was when a very dear friend who’s been hurt before on such an encounter sent me a text saying, “Probably going to get in trouble tonight . . . Craigslist.”
I felt panic, fear. My stomach dropped and I felt suddenly nauseous. I started to have an anxiety attack. I started to puke. I started to get ready to drive to stop her, then rejected the idea knowing that she was an hour and a half drive away in a city large enough that I’d never find her. I felt fucking helpless, and that added insult to injury. The worst fucking feeling in the world for me is feeling helpless.
Serafina is the one who kept her head, the one who didn’t throw the phone down in panic.
“Are you not worth more than that?” Serafina asked. “I know you are to us”
I’m told that the words stopped our dear friend dead in her tracks.
Nobody had ever before asked her to stop!
Serafina has a heart of compassion, she usually knows what to say.
I’m told that no one had ever asked our friend to please refrain from these self destructive behaviors.
For fuck’s sake, the world can be a cold cruel place.
At this point, thinking about that night, which was not so very long ago, all I can do is shake my head and sigh. Well, that and hope it never happens to her again, that her urge for that particular kind of danger doesn’t come back . . .
– – – – –
I didn’t accomplish my goal of writing a simple 300 word piece on xenophilia did I? At least now you know why the letter “X” is for xenophilia, a word filled with fear and anxiety for me. I am both anxious and fearful that it will touch my life again.
I know for a fact that “R” is for romance. Not like in a romance novel, but the real deal.
Romance with a capitol “R”.
Yes, I am a lucky man. There’s no doubt about it, I am truly blessed.
Today, it could be said I am doubly blessed. That’s literally true, as it’s official that I have a new submissive. It’s been announced to the local community at a munch, and added to our status at Fetlife. I’m shopping for a special collar as we speak.
Her name is Sinnja. She’s an enthralling woman, to say the least. Saturday, I asked her to accept a collar of consideration. She blushed, then said yes.
She and Serafina met first at FetLife. Then we met her in person at a munch in December. She was new to our local BDSM group, so Serafina asked her to sit with us. That’s not an uncommon thing for us to do.
I’ve been a pretty prolific at posting pics there at Fetlife. There’s far more to see there than gets posted here. Obviously, if you are reading this you know I have a blog , and that my sweet slave/wife and I are active in the community. So, it’s been pretty common for us to invite folks to meet us for their first munch. Sinnja was no different there.
The munch she attended was an odd affair, mostly due to the space we were in. The room only really had one long table. Serafina and I ended up sitting on one end, so we were isolated from a lot of the people and conversation. We met Sinnja and talked for a while, it was very nice.
Then, the worst winter in our area’s history hit. The most snowfall, the longest sustained cold, we broke serious records. We didn’t attend another munch until spring. But, when we did return, there was Sinnja, saving seats for us, smiling and talking like our last in person contact had been the week before, not three months.
I think she mentioned reading my SpiritulBDSM blog back in December. Sinnja’s been stalking reading this blog the whole time since I started it. I made a comment about my new bullwhip, at a CROP Meet ‘n’ Greet, and she immediately chimed in with, “And how many people get to say their new whip was cracked the first time by a world record holder?” The girl’s sharp, and she’s a handful too.
No doubt she’ll be a challenge. I have no doubt I’m up for the challenge too. I’ve got a secret weapon, Serafina!
The chemistry is oh so very right. She and Serafina are very much alike in some ways, yet they are different in just the right ways too. Their friendship is wonderful and loving. They respect and adore each other.
When we hug each other as a trio, it feels as though the sky lights up at night. Sinnja literally begins to quiver from the energy. I wrote the post energy antennae about our first real play together, I simply don’t know how to describe it without being profane – fucking electric!
And Sinnja’s family already likes Serafina and I. OK, I shouldn’t say that as though it’s unbelievable, we are good likeable folk. But Serafina’s children will have little to do with her, and a lot of people want to keep their kink and their family worlds apart. it’s not like that with my sweet new submissive.
One of her sons has exchanged a couple of several hundred word emails with me, at FetLife no less. I’ve actually hung out with him some at a couple of munches, he’s a good guy I’m happy to call my friend. And, that would be true whether I was in a romance with his Mom, or not. Real good guy, he’s earned friendship with me on his own merits.
With all of that said, this is the Joy of Kink blog. I believe we are kinky beings having a human experience. I can’t complete a post about romance on 4/21/2014 without talking about the play. When I play with Sinnja, when she stares into my eyes as I torment her body, it is magical. I’ve only felt that particular kind of connection with one other lady, and she’s sitting right next to me as I write this post.
I’ve had my share of playmates, but collars are about commitment. I’ve only ever given out four collars in my life. Two of those ladies I married. One left the world of kink entirely, to better pursue her law career.
And now there’s Sinnja . . .
I hope you know what you’ve gotten yourself into, my dear sweet Sinnja. You may be a challenge for me, but in return I can guarantee I’ll be at least as challenging to you. Of course that won’t be all, I’ll be romancing you too!