Masters are those who by nature have suffered to get to where they are. They have experienced endless criticisms of their work, doubts about their progress, setbacks along the way. They know deep in their bones what is required to get to the creative phase and beyond. As mentors, they alone can gauge the extent of our progress, the weakness in our character, the ordeals we must go through to advance. In this day and age, you must get the sharpest dose of reality that is possible from your mentor. You must go in search of it and welcome it. If possible, choose a mentor who is known for supplying this form of tough love. If they shy away from giving it, force them to hold up the mirror that will reflect you as you are. Get them to give you the proper challenges that will reveal your strengths and weaknesses and allow you to gain as much feedback as possible, no matter how hard it might be to take. Accustom yourself to criticism. Confidence is important, but if it is not based on a realistic appraisal of who you are, it is mere grandiosity and smugness. Through the realistic feedback of your mentor you will eventually develop a confidence that is much more substantial and worth possessing.
This week’s “Throwback Thursday” posting was originally posted at SpiritualBDSM.com back on 12/19/11.
I selected it for posting today, not only because I think it’s a good essay, worthy of inclusion here, but also because it seems a timely addition to a current discussion.
The very next question in the queue for the 30 Days of Kink is about hard limits, Serafina’s answer is already scheduled for tomorrow, and mine will follow shortly thereafter.
I read the comment, “The ultimate deal breaker, I love my hair.”
I was over at tumblr.com this morning, surveying all the lovely kinky images people have shared at that site, when I ran across the accompanying picture. As is common with tumblr, there are no credits or copyright information, so I have no idea who created this stunning image[ 2. lovely, smart, and sexy goddess of the Scavenger Hunt found the original source of the picture – Red Acedia Posture Collar
by AntisepticFashion.] I don’t know who made the stunning collar, nor do I know the identity of the model.
What I do know is this – the comment that accompanied the photo made me chuckle. When sharing the picture, the author of the tumblr blog bigirlfantasy said:
The ultimate deal breaker, I love my hair.
Please don’t misunderstand, in chuckling at this comment I’m not making fun of anyone’s limits or taking a jab at this individual. Far from it. In fact, I’m sure there are a lot of ladies, and some men too, that would balk at having their head shaved.
I’m just a lot more used to hearing or seeing different kinds of things as “hard limits” – kids, animals, scat, watersports, bloodsports, etc. So it’s simply that this isn’t one of the common limits I’ve seen listed.
Because it wasn’t what I expected, it made me think. It struck a chord. It made me think.
Now, I probably need to tell you that a good “think” often causes me to chuckle. If nothing else, I laugh at the absurdity of life, and how serious and dear we sometimes hold transitory things. Thing like hair and physical beauty are fleeting, impermanent. How and why do the matter so much?
With that said, the real reason I write this short essay isn’t to riff on metaphysics, it’s to discuss limits, and to say that all limits are sacrosanct.
(esp. of a principle, place, or routine) Regarded as too important or valuable to be interfered with.
sacred – holy – inviolable
There are two basic kinds of limits, Hard Limits and Soft Limits. They are similar, yet very different.
Hard Limits are serious stuff, really serious stuff. They are urgent. Hard Limits deserve demand our attention and respect.
Hard Limits are kind of like a fallout zone. When you go there you can’t see the radioactivity or feel it, but trust me, it will fry you just the same. Go there once and you are pretty much toast, done, finished, kaput. It’s over baby!
The catchphrase to remember for the deadly nature of hard limits – “Avoid Like the Plague!”
Soft Limits are a slightly different animal. They are also sacred and sacrosanct, but they aren’t necessarily deadly. Instead of being absolutely disgusting, Soft Limits are usually scary things, forbidden or taboo, yet things for which we feel both attraction and dread. There are times where soft limits can even be potent fantasy material.
Soft Limits can be approached, discussed, pondered, evaluated, and even negotiated.
As an experienced dominant, I enjoy helping a submissive challenge their soft limits. If you are a young or inexperienced dominant, this is territory to avoid. Before somebody thinks to themselves, “These old dominants always want to keep all the good stuff for themselves,” please give me a moment to explain.
Pushing limits is not something I’d suggest for new and inexperienced dominants, because they need to need to know the great wealth of experiences to be had and enjoyed without ever approaching any kind of limit. I see BDSM as an “additive journey” – each successive step you immerse yourself in makes the final whole that much greater and rewarding. The beginning dominant robs themselves of many wonderful experiences and much potential pleasure by trying to skip to the head of some imaginary line.
Newer dominants need to have experienced and resolved what to do when a scene goes wrong or falls apart before approaching or pushing limits. BDSM is a rewarding lifestyle, at least in part because it involves skills that come only with time and experience. And please remember, “Mastery” isn’t something that is bestowed upon a person as a birthright, it’s not an exercise in self nomination, or a declaration one makes, it’s an accumulation of a lifetime of accrued skills and knowledge.
Please remember, even when you are experienced and comfortable in BDSM, even when you know you are ready to start, anxious to begin exploring this aspect of dominance and submission, playing with soft limits needs to be a slow, careful, and thoughtful process.
I guess a good analogy would be to say pushing soft limits is a lot like butt sex, assuming that ass fucking is not a hard limit …
Like with anal sex, It’s best not to push too much, if at all when playing with a soft limit. Instead it’s far better to let the submissive relax into everything. Always use patience, care and love, to help your submissive or slave get comfortable with the pleasure she can receive …
Now, as for shaved heads on women, I do think they are sexy.
Having her head shaved is not a limit for my slave/wife Serafina. We discussed this a few months back when I discovered that bondage ropemaker Twisted Monk enjoyed shaving women’s heads. I even have a plan.
Her head will be shaved the year I finally retire, the first year I no longer work for pay.
At that point, we will begin spending most of our time travelling together in an RV. Our plan is to spend the better part of most of those “golden years” on the road, exploring North America, having kinky adventures, visiting old friends and meeting new ones.
It’s a long time away, at least 20 years for me, but I’m already making plans for travelling and living in a “mobile dungeon.” I’m already investing in travel cases for all my BDSM gear, organizing everything with help from a company called For Your Nymphomation.
And I’m already fantasizing about teasing Serafina with the cool air of the RV’s air conditioner, asking her how it feels on the naked flesh covering her skull. Won’t she be quite the sight, pumping gas for me, her bare head accentuating the very obvious thick steel collar locked around her neck?
There is no other way to describe the folks I hold near and dear to my heart, my friends and family, than to portray them as a “cast of characters”.
Of course I don’t mean to imply that we are all just playing roles, I don’t use the term “character” in that sense at all. I mean the word character like my mother used it, to describe a person who was exceptional, unusual, or flamboyant.
I think mom used it as a bit of a derogatory term. Obviously it has the exact opposite connotation to my eyes. I like characters. And, there’s no doubt I’ve got an exceptional cast at the moment. But, it might take a scorecard to keep track of them all. With that in mind, I’d like to give a quick outline of the dramatis personæ for Samadhi House.
The primary subject of the blog is myself and my immediate leather family. The blog is about them, and for them, at the same time . . .
Michael Samadhi – Your Humble Narrator – Master of Serafina, Dominant of Sinnja. Lifestyle dominant, sadist, eccentric, writer, photographer, and (believe it or not) philanthropist.
Serafina Samadhi – The Mostest Hostess, slave to Michael, submissive to AlphaBull. Serafina is a porcelain skinned beauty with dignity, class, and grace. She’s my beloved, my wife and my partner in all things.
Sinnja – my recently collared submissive, our new love and best friend. Sinnja’s smart, sexy, sassy, and sweet. She’s got the biggest heart, a smile to melt my own heart, and eyes that entrance my soul. Now she’s mine!
Deserving to be mentioned in nearly the same breath . . .
AlphaBull – my best male friend, an outstanding dominant, he joined us to assist for a few scenes as a part of Serafina’s training, and now has become family. A ruggedly handsome outdoorsman and craftsman, Alpha’s biggest fetish is the cuckold lifestyle. I’m currently encouraging Serafina and Alpha to find a single male they could cuckold together.
There are a couple of former girlfriends / play partners who are still close friends who’ve been mentioned here before, and will probably earn mention again . . . .
Cherub – a dear friend who I used to play with for the better part of the 1990’s. She’s an artist, healer, and writer. Someday we will collaborate together to write the great american novel.
Lexxi – good friend and play partner for the last half of 2013. A complex lady with an intuitive sense for energy play, ultimately we found we did far better as friends than in any sort of relationship.
Then there are the folks I mentor / protect . . .
Gatekeeper0613 – a good friend, my first student (along with his wife Dee), father, family man and business manager, he’s trying to learn the ropes while juggling heavy work and family responsibilities, at this point he’s really more friend than student, but I continue to list him as someone I mentor out of respect for the way the relationship began. Very loyal to and protective of Dee.
Dione12 / Dee – a good friend, my first student (along with her husband Gatekeeper0613) who has, in return, helped me to explore and better understand my sadistic side. Our relationship has evolved from mentor/student, to play partners, and ultimately to being great friends. She’s a mother and career woman, as well as being able to flip hamburgers without any utensils.
nova3434 / Stephen – A serious student of mastery – we see each other far less frequently than I wish, but his smile as well as his enthusiasm and dedication to kink are infectious.
TheropeArtist / Shawn – A serious student of BDSM – we see each other less frequently than I wish, but his serious nature and studious manner are very rare in young dominants.
dragonmoon1970 – The victim of a vindictive and vengeful former dominant, she was placed under my protection late last fall. A dear sweet lady who’s health has not been the best in the year we’ve known her.
And of course we have some wonderful close friends too, folks that could get called extended family:
Lady Jennifer – there aren’t many Dommes on my Dramatis personæ, you won’t run across one again until the listing of my more casual friends, but Lady Jennifer is at the top of this list. As I’ve often said in her presence, I’d walk through hell in a gasoline suit for Jennifer. She’s a hell of a lady who helped me double team Dee for my birthday last year in a scene some folks are still talking about.
puppet – Lady Jennifer’s wonderful submissive man. He’s kind, intelligent, witty, funny, not to mention the fact that he giggles beautifully when Serafina occasionally has warmed him up for Jennifer.
Dark Kitty – a dear lady friend of ours from California, a sweet submissive and a kind hearted lady who’s ass glows nicely for a good flogging!
Then there are a couple of kinksters we’ve met through Sinnja, as they are her family.
shadowborn – Sinnja’s husband, who believe it or not has wished me well with his wife. I don’t know him well yet, but any man who writes me to wish me well in my relationship with his wife will make my list of friends. And that is one thing we do have in common for sure, we both love Sinnja enough to want her ultimate happiness. I just happen to think her ultimate happiness is to be found serving me, and it seems Lewis agrees, at least for the moment.
addar – Believe it or not, he’s Sinnja’s oldest son. I met him for the first time at the munch where I first met Sinnja. He’s a really cool guy, has hit it off really well with Serafina. I consider him family too!
Then there are a pair of ex wives, one of whom get’s mentioned at least infrequently . . .
BlissfulTorment / Bliss / Blissy– My partner for close to 20 years, my submissive for a decade, we were married from 1993 until 2009. A physically beautiful creature who was a lifeguard, personal trainer, and nude model, Blissy was also a narcissist. Ultimately I found she could not be trusted, and in the end, without trust there is no real love.
Charley – My first wife, we were married for 3 years in the early 1980’s. I shared my first BDSM wedding night with Charlie, three days after my 18th birthday. A good woman, we were just married too young. I see her out at a restaurant once a year it seems, and we always exchange friendly smiles and kind words.
Finally, there are a number of more casual friends, folks we don’t see as often as we’d like, but are still an important part of our lives.
_his_Owner / Mr_Ellen – a great person, wonderful presenter, very serious about the lifestyle, she’s the reason I have a suspension frame that was originally designed as a swing stand, we gave her our kitchen table in return.
Sir_Eric – outstanding dominant and great all around guy, organizer of Kinkstock, dominant of Aly.
Aly – great lady, submissive to Eric, fun, witty, and just a little bit bratty (sometimes more than a little!).
Lady_E – another great lady, a local Pro-Domme who has hosted a couple of private parties we attended, I borrowed her airsoft rifles for an interrogation scene last November.
I’m almost positive I’ve missed folks who deserve to make the list, but that’s always something I can catch up on later if necessary. Some of these folks will likely become the “victims” of a more detailed individual write up. Lucky them, right?
For now though, that’s a pretty good basic scorecard for the folks who want to keep track of the cast of characters that surrounds my life.