Last night at FetLife, Mster_J asked a question in the Unfiltered BDSM group he owns and runs (he’s also the master of ceremonies for Mischief in May, CIPEX Board member, and a host of other marvelous things I don’t have the space to tell you about) that caught my eye. I got a little carried away this morning, and managed to turn what might have been a simple answer to an interesting question into a manifesto of sorts, full of my own relationship advice.
Upon reading the response aloud to my sweet slave/wife Serafina, she promptly suggested that I cross post my answer here, as a bit of relationship advice for those who are tired of being by themselves.
Tired Of Being Alone by Mster_J
There are many so called Doms sitting in their mothers basement looking for the perfect submissive. She should be 5’2 40DD-24-36 blonde hair blue eyes. She should be a squirter and she should never say no. It doesn’t matter that you are a virgin and have never touched a real girl. So called Doms deserve a woman like this. ( in their masturbation fantasies)
I am very happy and content with those that serve me in my real life. I am, however, confused when I have guys or girls tell me that there is no one out there for them. There are very few parties that I don’t struggle because I want to do the pursuit and capture of some fair maiden. I see some fantastic submissives out there males and also females. I also see a lot of Dominants that would be fantastic to serve.
I’m not sure if it’s because I’m not looking that I see all these great people, or is it that they are expecting these potential partners to have all the bells and whistles already?
What advice do you have?
In vanilla terms, I’m a “relationship” guy. While I’ve played casually, it always felt pretty empty to me.
Yes, there are a great number of attractive and available submissive women available, and I do understand the temptation to play with as many of them as a dominant guy can manage. Variety is the spice of life they say. But, without a very real and significant connection to each other, what some would call love, it just doesn’t do much for me.
So, I’ve always worked on forming real relationships first and then let the kink roll out from there. My Serafina was not poly or kinky when we met each other in 2002. Now she’s the alpha slave in a 24/7 poly M/s triad relationship. The transition took a decade, but it was also interrupted by a long period where we were caregivers for my dying mother.
I’m not saying it’s an especially good idea to try to turn a vanilla love interest into slave in a 24/7 poly M/s relationship. Serafina had no real life experience, but she came to me interested in Tantra and bondage, we had a basis from which to grow.
We are just getting started together with Sinnja, who did come to me kinky and experienced, but the story is similar. She’s a beautiful masochist and has tremendous potential yet to be developed as a submissive, but it was the energy between us that attracted me. It was her great friendship with Serafina that empowered me to explore that energy. My style of poly is all about exploring mutually fulfilling relationships for everyone, not just me getting some extra on the side while Serafina does likewise.
In BDSM terms I’m an ownership & possession kind of guy. I don’t want to just play with my partner. And, simply developing affection between us isn’t enough either. I want love, commitment, surrender, transparency, and devotion along with my rope, restraint, floggers, clamps, etc.
I can’t have all that together without truly deep and meaningful relationships.
I don’t want a woman in my life simply because she needs a dominant, or because she needs someone to fill specific dominant aspects in her life she’s been longing for. Even with attraction and some connection between us, that sort of play is exciting but not enthralling.
I want enthralling and breathtaking BDSM. And for me, that means owning and possessing enthralling and breathtaking women. Nothing less will do!
My dream, it seems, has come true. I’ve found a wonderful pair of ladies who not only love me, but also love each other. They are both truly enthralling and yes they are breathtaking too. Anyone who knows them both knows this to be true, I’m not exaggerating. There’s still work to do to make Sinnja truly mine, but I’m a patient man, and it all seems rather inevitable at this point. It’s not a question anymore of “if”, simply attending to details to make “when” happen.
I kissed some frogs along the way, everyone does. My point is that I refused to “settle” for less than my dream. For me, enthralling and breathtaking aren’t going to result form casual play. I had to put myself out there again and again, but eventually then, my dream found me.
Get out and meet people, expose your hopes and dreams. Be real and sincere in all that you do. Some will laugh at your dreams, some will shriek and run away. All rejections will hurt, but some more than others. In the end though, it’s only though putting your heart out there, again and again, through risking yourself and the inevitable pain, that you can find the ultimate happiness – that how I found the truly enthralling and breathtaking.
There are no guarantees in life, but if it worked for me, I’d think it could work for you too!